Money Moral Dilemma: Would I be stealing my brother's inheritance by caring for our mum?

oliver1951

I think there may potentially be quite a complicated inheritance tax issue. I would take professional advice. Aside from that hopefully, if you are on good terms, you will have discussed this with your brother. 

OptimisticAbby

No one has any right to expect an inheritance, your mother’s money is hers to use to have a good quality of life while she is alive. While she has the capacity to make decisions for herself, she can do anything she wants with her money, even unwise things. 

However, pooling money to buy a big house has big implications and you should get specialist individual advice before considering it. As previous commenters have said, there may be issues if your mum needs local authority funded care or inheritance tax needs to be paid. There are solicitors who specialise in advising on these type of things - I think it may money well spent to get proper advice before making any decisions. Giving up your job to care for your mum is very kind and it would be awful if you were left with a legal or financial headache from doing something with the best of intentions. 

Your brother and your mum should be involved in decision making as that in itself might avoid future upset. 

Good luck, your mum and your brother are lucky to have such a selfless and thoughtful daughter and sister. 

[Deleted User]

I think you know you would be cheating your brother.   (how mean, you want the house and half of anything else!)  From what you plan I can't believe that you would accept it if your brother took the value of your mother's house, almost certainly her greatest asset, and then expected to receive half of anything else she left.  If your mother can't afford to give your brother a similar amount to that which she is giving to you, then she shouldn't give it to you.  The plan is not suitable.  If, as you say, you want your mother to move in with you, then do that.  Why not?

Erica51

When a parent needs care either the child/ren sacrifice time and money to provide the care themselves to preserve their inheritance or money is spent for the parent to move to a more convenient home and to pay for someone to provide the care. Their should be a family discussion but ultimately it’s you Mum’s money and her decision.  Make sure she has appointed someone to have power of attorney and made an uncontestable will. You need to involve a solicitor.

Katecooks

No, you are absolutely not stealing your brother's inheritance. You would be doing an incredible thing in looking after your Mum and your brother should be delighted with your offer! I would though point out that selling two houses and buying another may take much longer than you anticipate and you do need to make sure it's all done legally. I sold my house and moved into my Dad's to look after him for nearly 3 years (he was 93 when I moved in). Yes, it's extremely difficult especially when he reached 'end of life' but I don't regret it at all. He was able to die in his own home as he wished. It shocks me the number of people here who suggest a care home or private carers; no-one will love and care for your Mum like you can (although you should definitely put extra help in place before you need it. I wish I had discussed my plans further with my sister (I made the assumption that she would occasionally provide me with a few days respite care during those three years - she visited for a just a few hours once a month). When my Dad died, I did all the arrangements (funeral, clearing and selling the house, probate etc and then according to the wishes of the will had to give my sister her 50% - unsurprisingly we no longer talk as I feel she treated me and my Dad really unfairly). TALK TO YOUR BROTHER (or you may end up falling out) and come up with an arrangement that your are both happy with. Of course, it's entirely up to your Mum regards to inheritance but if she originally wanted to leave you and your brother half each, you could work out the percentage of money you and your mother put into the house, then have it re-valued when inheritance is due and give half of your mother's  percentage part to your brother. You could then agreed with your brother to arrange to have a carers 'salary' paid to you on a weekly basis out of the estate - it will be a fraction of the cost of private carers or a care home, so you will all benefit.

pennyforthem

I have a highly dysfunctional family and have been manipulated my whole life, one of the things I have been told for decades is if I stay at home I will be left the whole house if I leave I will only get half. I have one sibling who owns many houses, whereas I have been in declining health for decades with no help from anyone. Another thing I get repeatedly told is when my father dies, I can go and live wherever I want! Contradictory right! This person also lies all the time, they even lied to the NHS when I was in hospital and as a result I was refused treatment. (The NHS provided treatment in the end, but the point is it never should have happened!)

People have different agendas, morals etc you should all sit down and talk it through caring for someone is a lot of work, responsibility and depending on your mindset, interests and loss of life you should be compensated.

It would be an antisocial/ spiteful person that would rather see the inheritance spent on carers or a care home rather than enabling your mother to be for cared by you, but it should be discussed so the gamble of if it should only be a short amount of time might be a lot for even a loving sibling but if they have an equal opportunity to make this sacrifice then they have less reason to feel disgruntled.

Yarat

As far as financial assets are concerned, in my opinion, they must be split absolutely equally between all the children of the person with the asset. That is the only way to avoid arguments, jealousy, unfairness and feuds. It’s irrelevant who does the majority of the looking after, who is the favoured child, which child has accumulated more through their own means, etc. This is all just noise. Without a will assets would be split equally, so in the cold light of day, the lawful and moral thing is for each child to inherit the same. 

Looking after an ageing parent is an honourable, loving and time consuming thing to do, but it is your choice, and therefore should not fast track you to gaining more inheritance than a sibling. If you intend to pool resources to buy a house together, you either need to accumulate a big enough pot to buy your brother out of his half of your mum’s share in your house, or your mum sells her home and splits the amount- half to you to put towards the new home and half to your brother now or in a bank account for him at a later date, or you need to be at ease with this being a short term plan and you will sell to release your brother’s share when your mum dies. Otherwise, effectively, your mum is paying you tens of thousands of pounds to care for her, which really seems a little exploitative, which I’m sure is not what you are doing at all as you are caring for her because you love her and want to do the right thing for her. 

elsien

pennyforthem said:

I have a highly dysfunctional family and have been manipulated my whole life, one of the things I have been told for decades is if I stay at home I will be left the whole house if I leave I will only get half. I have one sibling who owns many houses, whereas I have been in declining health for decades with no help from anyone. Another thing I get repeatedly told is when my father dies, I can go and live wherever I want! Contradictory right! This person also lies all the time, they even lied to the NHS when I was in hospital and as a result I was refused treatment. (The NHS provided treatment in the end, but the point is it never should have happened!)

People have different agendas, morals etc you should all sit down and talk it through caring for someone is a lot of work, responsibility and depending on your mindset, interests and loss of life you should be compensated.

It would be an antisocial/ spiteful person that would rather see the inheritance spent on carers or a care home rather than enabling your mother to be for cared by you, but it should be discussed so the gamble of if it should only be a short amount of time might be a lot for even a loving sibling but if they have an equal opportunity to make this sacrifice then they have less reason to feel disgruntled.

What an odd statement to make. 

Not everyone is cut out to be a carer. Not everyone wants to be cared for by their children. This is nothing to do with being antisocial or spiteful, It’s to do with what works best for all those involved, not just the person being cared for but also those who may not be in a position to make the sacrifices necessary to be a carer for any length of time. 

And I will reiterate, there is no inheritance while someone is still alive. So it’s not about how any future inheritance is spent on care it’s about how their savings are spent on care to give them quality of life. Which is not the same thing.. 

arryzz

Yes you would be stealing his inheritance as his half would now be giving you a bigger house .
simply look at it as though the boot was on the other foot , how would you feel ? 

thedr

You need to discuss the options for your mother with both your mother and brother at the same time. Taking a decision like this and excluding your brother from the decision making will lead to resentment and possibly an irreconcilable break down in the relationship with your brother. Too many parents, mine included, have made unilateral decisions which financially advantage one sibling over another, and it is not a pleasant world to live in, I can assure you.