Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my ex-fiancée if I can have the engagement ring I gave her back?

jamesanning

By: Garry Crystal (9 Jan 20)

Becoming engaged to be married is similar to entering into a contract in as much as there is an offer and an acceptance. However, in the UK an engagement is not seen as legally binding as you cannot force someone to either stay engaged or proceed with a wedding ceremony. 

Verbal contractual terms and conditions may apply within an engagement, and in the UK the engagement ring is usually seen as a sign of “sealing the deal”.

The Offer of Engagement

Traditionally, engagement contracts begin with the man offering a proposal of marriage, and if accepted by the woman then this will sometimes be known officially as betrothal. But with a multi-cultural society existing in Britain there are many different types of engagement traditions and rules. Many of these engagement traditions will be dependant on the rules governed by different religions.

In the past, betrothal was an official agreement to marriage and was a formal contract that was blessed either by a city official or a religious figure. Today, betrothal contracts and agreements are rarely used except in some Jewish or Arab cultures. In the UK the exchange of engagement rings is traditionally seen as the agreement of betrothal but again it is not a legally binding contract.

The Engagement Ring

The acceptance of a proposal and the exchange of rings is seen as a promise to marry, and engagement rings are part and parcel of the “engagement contract”. The giving of engagement rings is thought to date back to the Roman era and the rings are regarded as a symbol of commitment between the two parties. 

In most cases the man will buy the engagement rings and present them to the woman as part of the marriage proposal. However, it is not uncommon today for the woman to buy the engagement rings.

Refusal of the Ring

The offer of marriage can be rejected by the woman if she refuses to accept the engagement ring, or simply says no to the wedding proposal. In some countries an engagement ring is seen as a conditional gift and must be returned if the engagement is broken. There have been legal cases where men have actually sued their intended marriage partners when the ring was not returned after the engagement was broken.

In Britain, if the man ends the engagement then the woman is usually entitled to keep the engagement ring. If the woman breaks the engagement then the man is legally entitled to the return of the ring. However if the ring was offered as part of a gift, for example on Christmas day or Valentines day then it will be seen as a gift and does not need to be returned. Each case is different and it will usually be left to the couple to decide who keeps the engagement ring. The engagement ring is usually seen as an unconditional gift in the UK

mikecolonoscopypilot404

I would not want it back. It was sold with a certificate saying it was worth twice what i paid for it and like most things to do with Jewellery is a Con. Hence Jewellers cannot insure their own stock on a retail value but on a cost price basis . A £1000 engagement ring  probably cost groom £500 & cost Jeweller £150  as people find out when pawning or selling  Jewellery

dirtmother

This is not the stereotypical situation because you already had two children together (and were presumably living together) If you didn't propose before the first child was born, I tend to think if you are not going to be 'traditional' in that sense, you don't get to be 'traditional' now.

I suspect emotionally this is complicated... 'she changed her mind, no-one was to blame, we grew apart, I hoped we'd get back together one day, I have debts.... and we're still in one another's lives because of the children and I no longer think we are getting back together' Sometimes the engagement comes about because of an unconscious sense that the relationship is shifting and it's an attempt at repair.

You've seen the legal position. You've seen people pointing out what I am guessing you may not have realised - that you are not getting back what you paid for it - depending on your overall financial situation and how it occurred (two households are expensive) it may make no significant difference to your current financial woes. I really like what someone said about the ring being a symbol for the children that they were created in love.

I absolutely do see that, depending on how long 'not long after' was - and how much the changing her mind was based on an assessment you recognise as mutually agreed, it would rankle a bit. You could, in my view, and especially if some of the things you've said don't mean she has someone else in her life or is dating (so no chance of it being seen as jealous behaviour), let her know that if she no longer wears or treasures the ring that you are happy to have it back, so someone else can enjoy it.. .and leave it there. That's not quite the same as asking for it back.

wigan1705

In olden times and engagement/engagement ring was a binding contract ie a promise to marry. If this promise is then broken, the ring should then be returned to the giver. 
So yes, I think she should have returned it immediately and he has every right to ask for it.

dazed&confused78

Is it worth a lot if you do sell it?  Does she still find meaning in it?
Personally, unless there is big money tied up AND you are prepared for any blow up emotionally that asking for it back may provoke, I'd leave it.

CraftyLittleLisa

I believe that legally the ring belongs to the recipient and it is up to them what they do with it.  I recently tried to sell an old engagement ring but I was offered a pittance for it.  You may find you don't get much for it as a second hand ring even if you do get it back.

wise_old_bird

An engagement ring is given on the expectation that the relationship will end in marriage. If one party changes their mind, the contract is unfulfilled, and the ring should be returned to the giver. As it was your girlfriend who changed her mind, she should return the ring. 

Squirrel21

She has given you two children.That is a huge lifelong commitment. You are indissolubly linked in the children, whether or not you both choose to move on. The least you can do is let her keep a ring you gave her.

PINEAPPLE1234

Let her keep the ring, you get on well and that's worth more than risking falling out especially when children are involved.

Missy15

Absolutely not, you have two children together, and on that basis you should have some communication together.
So my advice is to talk to her about your struggles, and that you are having trouble making ends meet. If your problems are so bad and you are having difficulty supporting your kids she may offer to help.
But unless that ring is worth an absolute mint second hand, I cannot see it as a way out of your problem, and asking for it back might make the situation worse.
Good luck.