Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my ex-fiancée if I can have the engagement ring I gave her back?

Faceuptoreality

I like the way lots of replies make up their own laws rather tHan leaving that job to professionals.

My answer is

Do not live with and have children with someone until you are both sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

You don’t say how you got into money troubles but it seems to me that she had a narrow escape there.

baldypaul76

With so many of these dilemmas, there is some important context missing. 

What level is the debt, and is it preventing you from supporting your children, and would the sale of the ring resolve all of those issues?

But leaving aside the financial details, I would not ask for the ring back. You gave it as a gift, not as a refundable deposit on a relationship. Maybe you could discuss your financial situation with your ex partner, and at that point if she suggests selling the ring to help you then at least any support would be on her terms, and she would not feel like she had been put in a difficult position.

SStitanic

As its meaning is now redundant, I can’t understand why she would want to hang on to it, unless she likes the monetary value of it. If you are on good terms then discuss it with her if she says no there’s nothing you can do, but at least you’ll know you are definitely not meant for each other.

MDExpert

I actually made an account specifically to answer your question.  

1. Others who’ve answered don’t seem to be taking into account that this is not just an ex-girlfriend. She’s the mother of your children, and that does make a huge difference.
2. Please don’t listen to other suggesting that you test her by seeing if she’ll offer to give the ring back, or if she refuses, and then telling her you’re glad you ‘found out who she is’. That is not going to help with your amicable relationship and would end up hurting your kids in the long run, because it unnecessarily hurts their mother. Even if you don’t say it to her, I’d advise not even thinking of her as selfish for not wanting to returning it, because again you have an amicable relationship to protect/maintain. These posters aren’t taking that into account. A ring is not worth losing that. This is a woman you loved and still wanted to marry up until very recently. Clearly she can’t be the kind of person that you’d want to hurt over a ring. 
3. Similarly, it doesn’t matter if they view it as a gift, or even if the law does. Do you? Rather, do you want her to keep it. You’ve thought about selling it due to money troubles. Ask yourself if the money problems didn’t exist, would you still want the ring back. I know that doesn’t solve your financial issues, but from what you’ve said, selling the ring is just an option and not a necessity - but considering this question about whether you want her to keep it as a kind of gift, might help you with your grow of the co-parenting relationship.
4. Perhaps she also thinks you will get back together and that’s why she’s kept it. Or to give to your kids. It’s best to avoid thinking the worst of her intentions like those have suggested she is selfish. Exes start hating each other when they start vilifying each other and listening to random people’s opinion someone only they know personally. 

If she was that selfish, then as I said, you wouldn’t have wanted to marry her until recently. A lot of women keep their rings, that’s why it’s even a dilemma, so it’s not outrageous that she’s kept it this far. 

1. It’s also not outrageous to think about selling it if you really, really need the money from it. Decent advice was to check how much it’s actually worth, discreetly, so that she doesn’t find out about this idea before you’ve discussed it with her.
2. None of us know why she called off the engagement and it’s not our business, but the reason might contribute to whether you feel that she should keep it, maybe the night question is (or maybe not) if you feel that she deserves to keep it, with the reasoning that she gave you for calling off the engagement.
3. Best of luck, how refreshingly rare to hear of an amicable relationship between former partners and co-parents. If you still aren’t sure how to proceed, don’t ask her for it yet. That way you’re at least not risking affecting her feelings etc. If you change your mind or something changes to make you feel that you’re entitled to ask for it, like she starts a new relationship (hopefully not if you still want to be with her, I’m rooting for you!) then there’s no reason why you can’t still ask for it in the future. 

In this case, if she is saving it for your kids, women tend to do that for daughters. If you only have sons, you could even kind of negotiate that with her in this scenario, that you need the ring back and the boys can buy their own to propose one day. 

Good luck! 

Littlema333

If I had been given an engagement ring but didn't end up with that person I would give it back. However if I gave someone an engagement ring & things didn't work out I wouldn't ask for it back. It just depends on circumstances and your own personal choices

Bastiat

It's called an "engagement ring". She broke the engagement.

JayD

Well, it is normally expected when an engagement is broken off, that the ring(s) are returned to the giver(s). However, you have not said how long ago the engagement was broken. It sounds as if this was a lengthy period, and if so, I feel it is a bit late to suddenly be asking for it back now. 

Also, it would be interesting to know if she still wears the ring. If not, maybe she has already sold it herself, given it away or maybe just put it in a drawer. All these possibilities would affect your options re asking for its return.

So, as if so often the case in these dilemmas, we really don't have enough information to offer informed advice.

captainwobble

You gave her the ring on the proviso she was going to be your wife.  If she isn't then most definitely you need it back.

Heinous

In the circumstances you describe, I'd not ask for it back: you claim to be friends, she's raising shared children, and of course the law is on her side. Why risk souring the relationship?
My experience is somewhat different. My fiancée betrayed me in the classic manner, and I demanded return of the ring on the spot. I'm not particularly proud of it, it was done in anger. But I didn't want her wearing it. It never occurred to me that she'd sell it, and my intention was to chuck it in the river. Which I did. If it happened now - many years on -  I'd give it to charity
In general, a gift is a gift. I think the circumstances need to be pretty special to ignore that. Your circumstances are not, and I'm not even sure that mine were.

Heinous

mathsmaster said:

I agree to wash your car at some point in the future. You give me £20. I change my mind and decide I don't want to wash your car. You are indeed entitled to ask me for it back.

I am curious if there is a split in responses along gender lines.

1. An engagement is not a contract in law or in fact, and it certainly is not a service: it's a promise and an intention.
2. In law, it's a gift; nor given conditionally, but a gift to celebrate the event.
3. Hard to be sure about a gender split with the use of neutral usernames, but on a quick read, I'd say it's about 
25% - women suggesting she keep it.
25% - men suggesting he demand it back (often with venom).
25% - gender unclear promoting friendship over property.
25% - gender unclear more nuanced responses, mostly not suggesting return.