debt free wannabe (huge financial family mess)

RAS

late2024 said:

I watch Dave Ramsey’s videos a lot and find them very useful. Thank you for your suggestion.
My children have had Sat jobs for at least 2 years and they are very good kids.
I am now with a very good debt adviser (can’t say the name, but it’s a charitable organisation).
I do have Talking Therapy sessions through NHS and managed to persuade DH to have them as well.
I am in contact with the mortgage lender and the energy provider to get better deals.
I am trying to get a better mortgage, but it’s not possible as DH’s credit score is poor. I do not use credit cards and do not have any loans in my name, so my credit score is excellent, but still I can’t remortgage.
I believe strongly DH’s businesses can not be saved, nor sold.
But what I find astonishing is that DH, even if he is very worried and stressed, is not taking any action. Well, let’s hope things are going to improve…

Thanks for the further information.

Is DH contributing anything financially to the family budget? And if not what is he using to acquire credit?

Apart from the mortgage do you have any shared accounts, including bank accounts and savings?

And how long before your younger child becomes an adult/leaves secondary eduction?

Andyjflet

Another vote for Dave Ramsey here, I dont follow his advice to the letter but used the basis of his baby step principles to get myself out of £60k worth of debt to being in credit to the sum of £60k. 

I find its better to accept the facts, get them written down and then start getting to work, when you have a plan, no matter how dire the situation you are empowered to dealing with what lays in front of you. Budget every week initially and then a proper bare bones budget every payday, once you take control and tell your husband how the month looks, I assume you are giving him money, then he might just change his tune and start getting on board. 

late2024

Do we know of any 'Dave Ramsey' equivalent for the UK? Martin Lewis?
I do follow ML.

kimwp

From your description, you are running round baling water out of the boat, while your husband is poking holes in it. You need him to stop poking holes for there to be any point in your efforts. I echo the advice of others above to lay out your finances in an SOA and review them with your husband. He also needs to have his business plan reviewed and told whether or not it is a viable business or a hobby. (3.5 years of no profits would suggest not)

Moving house is not a solution - you'll need to keep selling up and moving until all the money is gone unless you stop the overspend. It's difficult when partners are not pulling in the same direction regarding their finances, but this needs to happen otherwise (to return to the boat analogy), he's going to sink you.

late2024

Thank you everyone, all good advice.

My idea is to sell the house in order to repay the mortgage, not for other reasons. We are in a good position here and will be able to downsize and repay the mortgage in full. (only if DH will agree with the sell... hm...)
I did do an SOA with my DH and the situation is disastrous, but... somehow... he doesn't seem to care much... which is the scary part for me...
He used to be a responsible husband and father... but now... I do not recognise this person...
He did go through a very hard time when he lost his job during the pandemic... and this might be the explanation...
I am very aware that this is a marriage issue and I am hoping I'll convince him soon to accept counselling for that.

fatbelly

Is it also a mental health issue? The pandemic hit a lot of us hard. Will he accept any help at all?

late2024

It is indeed and I'm very happy to say that he has now accepted to receive help and he is starting in a few days' time...

RAS

This could be a "straight forward" mental health issue but you might keep an open mind on other issues.

A childhood friend ran a family business successfully for years. Then decided to take a step back. By the time his wife realised the extent of the problems caused by his inability to make decisions, the business was insolvent, their savings gone and there were continuing liabilities. It turned out that aged 50 ish he had early onset dementia. He seemed coherent if somewhat lackadaisical but executive skills were shot.

And I know of someone slightly older with teens who walks and talks sense at first meeting but will never work again after strokes and brain injury that took ages to be diagnosed.

late2024

wow...!!! thank you.

Floss

OP, have you tried to swap to a new deal online with your existing lender? That is generally a remortgage option without involving a credit check.