debt free wannabe (huge financial family mess)

late2024

Hello,
I have this MASSIVE family financial issue and I am not sure how to resolve it. Help, please!
My husband has no income as his two business are not producing any profit (and they never had since 3.5 years ago, when he started them).
My income is good, but not enough to support a high mortgage and a family of 4 (2 adults and 2 teenagers).
As much as I am trying to increase my income, I realise that it is impossible to afford this house and this lifestyle, unless my husband accepts to close his businesses and starts looking for a job.
I am also trying to sell the house and move into a smaller one, with lower bills, but he won't accept that either. DH also has a spending issue and his credit card balances are out of this world.
My mental health is now affected and I find it very hard to focus on my work...
Thank you for reading.

Philliggi

Sounds like you have plenty to deal with before even starting to look towards bringing the debt down. 

Would be interested to hear the answers to a few questions before going on. As always, no judgement. Just seeking clarity. 

Is the business ever likely to be profitable. Are they saleable or likely to be able to attract investment? If any of these answers are yes its understandable that your husband is unwilling to simply close them. 

If not its unfair to the relationship for him to not bring anything to the table financially. 

You have clearly had your light bulb moment but is he on board? Or is his head buried in the sand? Its a team effort if your situation is as critical as your title to the thread suggests. 

This is your first hurdle and id be tempted to get all your figures out infront of you at sit him down and spell it out in big bright letters.

 If he still isnt on board, fighting debt while the partner is still free spending is like trying to bale out the titanic while the captain goes in search of more icebergs. 

londoner2019

Asking kindly that the mods move this to the DFW board - where it will be a bit more visible and more can offer support.

+1 on the above questions. How is your husband servicing the credit card debt in his name? It's a team effort - so unless he is willing to rein in the spending habit, or get his business making a profit FAST, he will need to make a decision on one of those two.

No judgment here as we don't know the full story at all, but is it really down to you to increase your income, particularly when you say you earn well already? 

The first step is to have a frank and honest conversation with your husband. Pull together a household statement of affairs so you can see what's coming in and everything that's going out (including holidays, presents, Christmas, EVERYTHING). When you both have the numbers in black and white in front of you, then you can make an informed decision about your next steps.

Be wary of moving to a smaller house to pay off debt - it's the same as consolidating debt (only much more of a hassle). Unless you figure out the reason the CC debt is so high, and unless you have a workable budget moving forward, you could end up in a similar position again.

Good luck with it - there will be plenty of other more experienced folk who will chime in and offer some valuable advice.

Floss

@sourcrates @fatbelly please could you get this moved into DFW?

tacpot12

Sorry to hear you are having this problem. You are correct - it's a big one! 

Your husband is likely to be in denial about his debts and the problem with his businesses. He probably has a lot of emotions tied up in the businesses and with being a business owner.   

I think the first thing you need to do is get a handle on how the businesses are really doing. Are they pay any sort of wage to your husband or to an employee? Or do you have to put money into the business on a regular basis?

I think you also need to consider whether it is realistic for your husband to get a job, or does he work for himself because he can't work for anyone else? 

You will not get him to change anything until he accepts that there is a need to change, and it is important for you to be aware now that this might never happen. You need an action plan for this, and this should include divorce. Discussing your action plan with him might help him realise that the degree to which you have a problem with the situation even if he doesn't.

Couples Councelling might work to ensure that you are both listening to each other, and to see if you can come up with a joint plan.

You might want to saving some money into an account that you only you have access to and only you know about. Taking control of the situation will help with your mental health, but remember that there are boundaries to what you can be in control of.  

You might also involve your children, to the extent that they want to be involved. This might seem a little unfair, but they have a stake in the family too. They might have a different point of view or provide support to one or both of you. They might being able to help in ways you can't imagine. Don't exclude them just because they aren't adults. 

fatbelly

Moving to a smaller house may not be the panacea that you think. Ok, equity will be released but you will quickly be in the same situation, just with a smaller house.

As above, prepare a joint soa and post it on this thread if you want

https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

enthusiasticsaver

I agree that doing an soa is a good first step and ideally you should be doing this with him. 

LilyBouquet

I’m sorry to hear your situation and the impact on your health. Hard as it is, you also need to assess the long-term future not just your present situation, in terms of pensions savings and being set up for elder care should it be needed (hopefully not, but it needs a plan). 

I would book a debt advice appointment at a legal centre for you both to attend so he hears it from a ‘neutral’ person.

late2024

Thank you all for your responses. Really appreciated.

BuzyBee13

You might want to look up Dave Ramsey on YouTube. I've watched him respond to several people pretty much in an identical situation to you. Sadly he has so many videos, I can't find them. [Warning - nany people don't like his frankness or conservative values, but personally he stopped me making a lot of mistakes, like getting a stupidly expensive car on finance.]

He would say you have a marriage problem not a financial problem.
And that your husband has a hobby not a business.

I second the advice for couples counselling, or at least a calm and honest sit-down at home with all the finances for the last 12 months available, and a clear picture of what could happen if income doesn't increase. 

Consider talking to your GP about your stress and anxiety. For example, even if your husband isn't open to it, the GP can direct you to free phone talk-therapy that could help you sort through your own emotions. It's important to take care of your mental health as early as possible. 

Are your teenagers old enough to get a Saturday job? Baby sitting, car-washing, shop assistant, McDonald's? Making them responsible for their own pocket-money can take strain off the family's finances whilst instilling useful skills. Also, as you mention lifestyle, I am making an assumption that that includes a lot of afterschool acitivties etc? Tell the kids they need to reduce these - when I was a kid my parent's had financial problems and I was told I could keep one afterschool activity once a week and the rest had to go (I got to chose what I kept), and that they would help me find free alternatives... sure I was upset, but it was a really important lesson that money doesn't grow on trees. I promise kids will grow up just fine and without long-term ill-effects from having to cut back on activities, clothes, presents etc.

late2024

I watch Dave Ramsey’s videos a lot and find them very useful. Thank you for your suggestion.
My children have had Sat jobs for at least 2 years and they are very good kids.
I am now with a very good debt adviser (can’t say the name, but it’s a charitable organisation).
I do have Talking Therapy sessions through NHS and managed to persuade DH to have them as well.
I am in contact with the mortgage lender and the energy provider to get better deals.
I am trying to get a better mortgage, but it’s not possible as DH’s credit score is poor. I do not use credit cards and do not have any loans in my name, so my credit score is excellent, but still I can’t remortgage.
I believe strongly DH’s businesses can not be saved, nor sold.
But what I find astonishing is that DH, even if he is very worried and stressed, is not taking any action. Well, let’s hope things are going to improve…