Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my daughter she needn't have me over next Christmas?

Pollycat

Maybe it's less the cost of hosting and more that the daughter doesn't want her Mum there over Christmas.

Maybe she's very demanding about how things are cooked, what is cooked (maybe she wants Turkey when the rest of the family want beef) etc.
Maybe she's the type of Mother who runs her fingers along the tops of doors and tuts if there is any dust.

Nobody has any idea about the real reason the daughter made that comment.

Why don't people talk to each other?

ChristineGower

I found it so depressing to hear that your daughter doesn’t want you for Xmas. Mine live on the other side of the world but have just been over to see me and what a lovely time and there are five of them. My mother also died this year at 100 and she was never ever left out.

petewitte

Are you sure that she is trying to exclude your visits, you should ask her ? It might be that she meant about others visiting over the xmas period otherwise she may start to think that you do not want to visit.
I hope for you it is a misunderstanding

RumoutUK

We normally have the family round on either Christmas or Boxing day. I cook a dinner for us all and my wife makes a Christmas pudding and mince pies. It is hard work. So this year, we said we were not doing dinner, but having a buffet tea instead. We are both in our 70's, so we thought this was the best option. It didn't feel right! I felt guilty for breaking with our "tradition" and seem to spend almost as much time on a magnificent buffet. Yes it was expensive, but I think we will go back to dinner next year. 

If we were invited to our kids for Christmas and I had the conversation that hosting is expensive, I would offer to bring food and drink. But our kids wouldn't do that. It is one day and how much do us old wrinklies eat? I would think the comment was just about the cost of things at the moment, not a plea for mum to stay away or bring anything. 

BHeath2Bay

As the senior generation my wife and I, now in our 80s, take it for granted that as many of our family as wish to are welcome to come to us for Christmas; this year at Christmas lunch we "hosted" (don't like that word in this context for some reason!) our daughter, her husband, their two sons plus one fiancee, plus their daughter, her husband and two toddlers - total around the table 11 bodies. Our daughter paid for the turkey, our granddaughter brought a dessert alternative to Christmas pudding for those not keen on it, my wife cooked and served with the girls' help. Our son and his family always do their own Christmas lunch and join us for the evening and a buffet tea/supper. I provide all alcohol and soft drinks with drinkers bringing their own favoured tipples if desired. Always a great family Christmas, but if, as we creep onwards into our mid-80s, we ever wanted to scale it back a bit (or completely) we would only have to say so.

It costs your daughter no more to "host" you, her mother, than to provide a good Christmas for her own family; of course it gets more expensive every year - that's a fact of life. I very much doubt she would want you to stay away, but surely if she did (or if you fancied a bit of peace and quiet on your own for a change!) one or other of you could say so without fear of causing offence? Just think back to all those Christmases past when you may have struggled to give your daughters a decent Christmas; surely you've a right to be "hosted" in your later years? Mind you, if there is another daughter, it's probably time she pitched in with her own invitation!

Pollycat

BHeath2Bay said:

As the senior generation my wife and I, now in our 80s, take it for granted that as many of our family as wish to are welcome to come to us for Christmas; this year at Christmas lunch we "hosted" (don't like that word in this context for some reason!) our daughter, her husband, their two sons plus one fiancee, plus their daughter, her husband and two toddlers - total around the table 11 bodies. Our daughter paid for the turkey, our granddaughter brought a dessert alternative to Christmas pudding for those not keen on it, my wife cooked and served with the girls' help. Our son and his family always do their own Christmas lunch and join us for the evening and a buffet tea/supper. I provide all alcohol and soft drinks with drinkers bringing their own favoured tipples if desired. Always a great family Christmas, but if, as we creep onwards into our mid-80s, we ever wanted to scale it back a bit (or completely) we would only have to say so.

It costs your daughter no more to "host" you, her mother, than to provide a good Christmas for her own family; of course it gets more expensive every year - that's a fact of life. I very much doubt she would want you to stay away, but surely if she did (or if you fancied a bit of peace and quiet on your own for a change!) one or other of you could say so without fear of causing offence? Just think back to all those Christmases past when you may have struggled to give your daughters a decent Christmas; surely you've a right to be "hosted" in your later years? Mind you, if there is another daughter, it's probably time she pitched in with her own invitation!

I don't think anyone has a right to be hosted - regardless of age.

scher

Surely you could have one Christmas at home for a change. I spent this Christmas at home alone, my choice I hasten to add. I don't see why other people should have us round every year and after all it is just another day and it doesn't hurt to have a day alone. You can please yourself what you watch on the tv, when you eat, whether or not you even get dressed! Let them have a family Christmas on their own for a change before they resent it.

la531983

ChristineGower said:

I found it so depressing to hear that your daughter doesn’t want you for Xmas. Mine live on the other side of the world but have just been over to see me and what a lovely time and there are five of them. My mother also died this year at 100 and she was never ever left out.

Who are you replying to here? 

dirtmother

If she actually complained in your (the guest's) hearing that *hosting* was expensive... that's very passive aggressive and unkind. However, you've realised that this is an opportunity to check in with her about what she'd like to change. But don't do a crappy "I'll be alright alone in the dark" type of thing back like you are suggesting - you are better than that, because you are emotionally intelligent enough to have guessed there's a possibility that this is not about money and thus can't be 'simply' be solved with a financial or other material contribution. (All those proudly boasting they would never let their parent do this could usefully a) remember that giving is good for the giver and b) check their privilege)

Perhaps it would be worth you researching some other options - talking to your other child, looking at things you might like to do, working out whether not being there on Christmas Day itself but still being there on, say, Boxing Day is practical... so you don't feel so martyred before you talk to your host family about whether they might like to do something different for Christmas 2024. 

doglle

I understand how you’re feeling. I
think your daughter would be mortified if she knew her comments had caused you to feel like this.Why not 
tell her that you understand how expensive Christmas is and ask her
if there’s anything you can contribute 
in the way of food etc. and take it from there.