Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my daughter she needn't have me over next Christmas?

keithyno.1

As many people have said on here, this lady could offer to chuck in something towards the expense of the whole thing.

But to me, as far as the daughter is concerned, to expect your own mother to have to PAY to come over to stay for Christmas is morally reprehensible. Maybe the mother should send her an invoice to cover the cost of all the Christmases she had to fork out for when the daughter lived at home. 

Namelesselder

Perhaps your other daughter should share in this - host you for Xmas sometimes. And bringing contributions is a very good idea. Your daughter may not be hinting to you, but you could certainly contribute something towards the cost.  Also consider that spending Xmas by yourself once in a while can be quite good fun and you can find things to do in your area. 

WalthamBoy

You could remind her how expensive it was bringing them up as children.

[Deleted User]

There is something very odd here.  When you suspected that the kind daughter who welcomes you every Christmas may be struggling financially, you didn't immediately offer to help, your thought was for yourself, how it may affect you, not concern for your daughter's possible situation.  As a mother I find that strange, why would you not speak to her about it, to check that she is all right?  Not only that, you leave, and then write to strangers on a forum rather than discuss it with her, and suggest, although without giving any reason, that you aren't wanted.  Concern for her, and an offer of help, should have been your immediate reaction, if you hadn't offered before.  Most guests don't arrive empty-handed.  You should especially appreciate hospitality if being home alone worries you.  You could have helped, you could at least have offered to give what it would have cost you to remain at home, for food and electricity, for heating, lighting, hot water, for cooking, for the television, whatever, without being out of pocket.  Your daughter, the one whose hospitality you have enjoyed, has my sympathy.  I hope she isn't struggling, that her remarks were meaningless, and that she doesn't read your potentially hurtful comment.  

gloriouslyhappy

Torry_Quine said:

Since my husband died I've spent every Christmas alone. No children and no invites. It's no fun at all and very lonely so I would definitely encourage communication with your daughter to come to a solution 

I'm so sorry to hear this! Could you join in local activities, attend a meal either as a volunteer or as a guest? There are many organisations offering Christmas meals for people on their own, and it's not to make you feel like a charity case, it's just to share the day and spread a little cheer. 

Please look into it, you've plenty of time, perhaps try out a few groups in the coming months? Does your area have warm hubs where you can drop in for tea & biscuits and a chat? That would be a good place to start. Sending you good wishes..

C_Cat

I am in a similar position but offered to (and did) host Christmas Dinner myself in 2023.  Is that an option for you?  

Maybe your daughter was SAYING it was expensive but MEANING it’s blooming hard work.  Or maybe, even though she loves you, she’d like to have a Christmas just for her own little family one year.  

Could you ask your other daughter if she would mind you coming to her for next Christmas and subsequent alternate years, and maybe offer to make/take dessert?  And take a bottle of something with you too.  

gloriouslyhappy

The key to this dilemma is communication. Start by asking your daughter what her ideal Christmas looks like, do you fancy a change, maybe going away or seeing his folk for a change? Is money getting tight as is the case for so many people, so what can I bring, champagne, or a pud, whatever, tell me how I can fit in with your menu. Reassure her you are perfectly happy to make other arrangements.

Try not to sound martyred, you've enjoyed many Christmases with her but you want her happiness and it might be time for a change next year. What about your other daughter, do you ever think of seeing her for the holidays? If not, why not? Is there a discussion to be had?

Could you host? Maybe not the whole meal if you've not got the space, but what about Christmas brunch, they come to you for Bucks Fizz and smoked salmon blinis, open  presents to / from you. Spend an hour or so then they pop off home and you go to your local sharing Christmas meal. Or stay home by yourself and finish off the Buck's Fizz and open a tub of Quality Street!

Take her out for tea and a scone, and talk to her..

Bonnypitlad

My suggestion is that you discuss it with your daughter. Not a multitude of sarcastic strangers 

OptimisticAbby

Maybe your daughter is just venting. You’re her mum, someone she trusts and feels she can talk to and share her worries with. Maybe she’d be devastated if she realised that you thought her money worries had this effect on you. Perhaps she’s not looking for an answer, just letting out her feelings with someone she loves and knows loves her unconditionally.  Continue to foster a relationship where she can talk to you about how she feels. As others have said another person at the table doesn’t increase costs very much extra, it’s the whole caboodle that costs such a lot. This Christmas you could contribute some money or turkey or whatever your daughter needs as well as the love and affection that you already give. 

an1179

I guess that it is not the meal on Christmas day that the expense lies,  it is presents etc for the children.  As others have said clarification is required.  Your daughter may not realise that her words made you feel that you need to stay away