Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my daughter she needn't have me over next Christmas?

beadjoux

You don't have to be lonely and alone, there are plenty of charities that would be delighted to have your help. However my first reaction would be to offer to host them next time, or at very least contribute financially or with food and drink. 

tenuissent

We go to my daughter's family every Christmas, and I take many contributions towards the meal, which is for about 10 people: sausages in bacon, bread sauce, cranberry sauce, stuffing balls, chestnuts to go with the sprouts, cauliflower cheese, braised red cabbage, a thick gravy base to add turkey juices to, and anything else she asks for. She says all these extras take up more time and effort than roasting the turkey/potatoes/parsnips etc, and heating the pudding. She is happy to do the roasting, and very grateful for my extras. I have no fear of being unwelcome. (Not to mention presents for the whole family).

sindyjames

I would offer to help out, either financially, or by taking, for example, the turkey, veg, etc. You could ask your daughter what she would like you to get. If she says 'nothing', I would insist. I get that Christmas food is very expensive now. The price of turkeys is crazy, but you're only one person. 

Daycart1

If you're contributing to their Christmas arrangements and buying presents for everyone it must be very expensive for you never mind them.  You could always book Christmas at a smart hotel instead with an age appropriate group and have a nice day out without feeling that your family think you are freeloading and pricing everything you eat and drink.  Failing that stay at home and invite a couple of special friends round.

74jax

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

Since my husband died, I've spent Christmases with one of my daughters and her family. This year, she said several times how expensive hosting is now, and I felt she'd rather just have been with her husband and kids. Should I volunteer to stay at home on my own next year to spare her the expense, even though I'd probably feel lonely?

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What was your reply?  I'm guessing you didn't ignore her?  

If I was to say to my Dad in years gone by 'it's expensive hosting' he'd have said here you go pet.  Or if I was to say to DD 'it's expensive hosting', she'd say 'can I do anything/do you want anything' and I'd just say no.

You say she said it more than once, so each time she asked, what did you say in response and how did the discussion go?

lesbro

Our grandson invited my husband and I for Christmas dinner but we only agreed if we paid towards it. I wouldn't dream of letting them cover the cost. Our son took us out for Boxing day dinner as a Christmas present.

Honeylife

Give your daughter an envelope with some money to contribute to the cost of Hosting. 


I found this year's Christmas to be very expensive.  Food was doubled what I usually budget for and I was not the only person in Sainsbury looking quite aghast at the price of small turkey crowns!  One lady got to the till and put her turkey back saying she couldn't justify paying that amount for a turkey.

This is how I and my family have done Christmas now some of my children have their own family units.

Christmas day itself I am alone and quite like it.  I speak to everyone on the phone. However, I use that day to prepare for the next day Boxing Day when half the family come over to mine - that's about 8 people.  One brings the baked Ham another brings some alcohol, someone else rolls in with the non-alcoholic beverages and basically, everyone brings something for the table even if it's the Christmas crackers.  They usually let me know what they are bringing and I prepare the meal based on that. I am usually just cooking the turkey, spuds, parsnips and carrots. 

The person who brings the pigs in blankets has clearly purchased double, cooked half at their home on Christmas Day, and then brought the rest over to mine on Boxing Day. Likewise, with the drinks, they have grabbed what was unused in their own homes and brought them to share at mine.

Those who bring food items are busy finding space in the oven or microwave to warm the foods and someone else is dressing the table or tossing a salad so that within an hour of arrival we can sit to eat.

This took a while to evolve and was made at the suggestion of my older sister who also celebrates on Boxing Day. This way those adult children who have their own nuclear families can have their Christmas together in their little units and then come together for an extended Family Gathering on Boxing Day. [One child works on Christmas Day].  They eat, hang out, exchange pressies, fall asleep, clear, clean, and Leave!

Everyone contributes.  Everyone spends alone time in their own units and I actually get some peace and quiet on Christmas Day.

sheramber

When we went to my son and DIL  for Chrostmas I paid for the  Turkey or took a butcher's steak pie- my butcher made them themselves, depnding on what was preferred.

Last year I had moved nearer them after my husband died, and I paid for the Christmas meal.

This year  they hosted  the whole family on Christmas Day and I  hosted them on Boxing Day.

I always prefer to pay towards costs as they have a family and Chrostmas is expensive.

JessieH_2

Is it possible that your daughter is not wanting to ask you for financial help or food contributions, but that is really what she's hinting/hoping for, rather than you not going at all? My late mother always used to bring the cake, the pudding, plus mince pies as well as her gifts. She would also often give me a cheque for maybe £100 a week or so earlier "to help out". It was hugely helpful as I had four children and a low income. Alternatively, how about the other daughter? Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to sit at home alone, as it could lead to you feeling resentful and possibly damaging your relationship with your daughter. It sounds as if both of you need to be more open and honest with each other about what you both need and how you both really feel...

sillyvixen

I lost my mum over 8 years Ago, we always had Christmas at mum & dad's, I couldn't imagine Christmas without my dad untill he is no longer with us. There are 4 of us for Christmas - Dad, Brother, hubby and myself, I would buy a small turkey crown for hubby anyway (I'm veggie) and he would never get through it before it went bad. Once the turkey crown(which hubby would get anyway) Christmas veg offers are usually cheap, so catering for extras for  the main meal is peanuts. We don't do starters! Dad will provide wine, his favourite  cheese and mince pies, my brother will bring pudding and beer for everyone. Usually nobody wants tea but if they do we have enough for a buffet with salad, cheeseboard, biscuits, cold meat, quiche, pork pies & potato salad etc and will have the same boxing day before dad goes home. Leftovers will be packed lunch foods. Veg is served in dishes to help youselves at the dinner table, (a) because I can't remember who likes what! (B) because I don't want anyone to feel they need to limit their veg intake so everyone gets their share. Leftover veg in the slow cooker with lentils for freezer work lunches on boxing Day.

Early Christmas hosting we would spend a fortune and have more food than we could get through .. Now we have got it right,and every gets eaten and we spend less!