Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my daughter she needn't have me over next Christmas?

Shortlands_Shopper

I would offer this year to contribute and gift a gift card for the supermarket she shops at if your finances allow it, just an idea you could maybe just put by 50-75p a week and let the pot build up. I’m  sure she doesn’t begrudge you being there. If you don’t feel comfortable, maybe you can do an anonymous giftcard. I did this last year for my sister ( a single parent) she was too proud to take gifts knowing it was my money. I arranged for Aldi customer services to send a £100 voucher with a compliment slip saying To Sue, we thought this may help. God bless . She gratefully received and accepted it as she had no way to return it.

Hosting can be very expensive especially these days but often the food portions being bought are not what they used to be, what packaging says serve 3-4 is 1-2 at best. Try to avoid spending it alone, Christmas is not about all the gifts, it’s about family and friends coming together and spending time with each other. 😍

TanyaK1

My Mum’s husband died last year and we weren’t able to host so she invited us to her apartment and asked us to cook. She paid for the turkey and bought cranberry sauce and we provided the rest and collected her brother en route. We all stayed over and then left early on Boxing Day. My Uncle loved it 🥰 I do realise this may not be practical or welcome for you but it’s an option. I was a bit worried about her coping with us taking over her kitchen and perhaps more importantly being at home without her husband but it worked well. I feel you should only be alone if you’re comfortable with that. I’m pretty sure your daughter wouldn’t want that for you. She loves you and you’re always welcome at her home. 

Martinchivers

I find it incredibly sad that this poor lady is feeling like she’s not welcome. It’s correct that an extra mouth to feed at any meal costs less than a £1.00 especially at Xmas when the Veg in all the shops is 15p

santelmo

I know it's only a hint. I can't see how providing an extra meal is expensive, furthermore I would remind her of all the meals you provided for her in the past. 

Barjayne

This year tell your daughter you have organised something else and go help out at 'Crisis', 'Salvation Army' or somewhere else that provides meals for homeless people. That way you won't be lonely and probably have a fun, happy day.
Alternatively, why don't you organise and host Christmas day for all your family.

Pollycat

Martinchivers said:

I find it incredibly sad that this poor lady is feeling like she’s not welcome. It’s correct that an extra mouth to feed at any meal costs less than a £1.00 especially at Xmas when the Veg in all the shops is 15p

Maybe she's a vegetarian. Or a vegan. Or is coeliac.
Buying and cooking special dishes will cost more than £1.00.

shaz-deco

Be brave, talk about it, don't guess!

It was only me, my husband & kids for the first time this year, not because of cost but we didn't want the pressures of entertaining or any drama. Plus doing the same pattern every year, we just wanted a change of activities. I did however, have conversations over how expensive the dinner with all the trimmings had become with many family members - it was a bit of a theme! In fact, we concluded to go for a split cost family meal instead of presents next year which will be a huge saving and stress minimiser for all involved!

There could be a number of reasons for the comment, we don't get the emotional aspects or body language through written word so would be wrong to assume. As you felt the inference was more they would rather have Christmas alone I would table "we have done the same Christmas pattern a few years now, did you want to mix it up this year?". If they were hoping for a quieter affair, you will soon get your answer (and possibly some relief for her). Alternative options could be tabled, like going to yours, involving other family members, eating out, going away. If it is purely the cost of it, having a different type of dinner which is less costly, cutting some stuff out, or sharing the cost in whatever way works. The good thing on the discussion is if there are bigger financial worries here, it gives opportunity for it to come out and source some help.

Presstotest

I would say to her that you love going there but she doesn’t need to invite you every time,but if she did invite you ,you would  be willing to help out. You don’t mention if you travel there yourself, or if you stop over or if you are in a position to help out. I don’t think feeding one extra mouth is very costly and that there might be more going on than you describe.

Emmia

Martinchivers said:

I find it incredibly sad that this poor lady is feeling like she’s not welcome. It’s correct that an extra mouth to feed at any meal costs less than a £1.00 especially at Xmas when the Veg in all the shops is 15p

Fundamentally this is one of the moral dilemmas which may or may not be made up. 

We actually don't know anything about this person, her finances or her relationship with her daughters - there are people (including mother's and daughters) who aren't actually very nice to their family.

In terms of those who said " I'm sure your daughter didn't mean it like that..." It's entirely possible she did mean it exactly like that, and she'd like her mum to go to her sister's instead, or to not attend Christmas 2024 as she'd like to spend it with just her husband and kids...

Money/cost can be a proxy for this, as the alternative is essentially telling Mum to b***er off or she's not welcome at Christmas more directly.

NannyJaffaCakes

I would suggest that you, your daughter and family have a change next year....perhaps go out for Christmas lunch?  Perhaps make it your treat? It may be that your daughter finds it all a bit overwhelming having to do all the extra shopping/cooking...even just one extra person staying for a few days makes a lot of extra work when you take into account bed-changing, laundry, cooking etc.  Failing that, why not offer to pay for the main meal and suggest your daughter provides the wine/pudding.  At the same time why not suggest putting a spending limit on gifts as well?  Or you could provide a shopping bag filled with favourite food and drink that isn't necessarily all Christmas food but includes a few treats such as special biscuits or chocolates to eat with after-dinner coffee.  As for feeling lonely if you are on your own,  many places offer a meal for people who are alone, enquire at your local church or perhaps volunteer to help out. That way you will be with other people, make new friends, have some fun and not feel lonely. Nor will you feel that you are being a burden to your daughter.  Talk to your other daughter and see if she has any thoughts or suggestions. Does she also join you for Christmas? Do they 'get on' together? Or does your Christmas day often end in tears or 'words' and thus bad feelings?  There's a lot to consider but first of all speak to your daughter and make sure you know just what she meant by her comments....but don't turn it into an argument...that will solve nothing.  Good luck and I am sure you can come to some mutually satisfactory arrangement for next Christmas