Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my daughter she needn't have me over next Christmas?

Eddy_Max

I suspect most parents have hosted their families for Christmas dinner for a least a couple of decades as we all grow. Mine have hosted Christmas dinner for the family for well over 30 years.
I would therefore never consider my parents an additional expense to have them at Christmas, and so I would sincerely hope that your daughter feels the same, and was not hinting that hosting you (her mother) is not the cause of the additional expense. If expense was her concern, then rein in the costs. This year we opted to not have any of the traditional foods, and simply had a home made a curry (much to our daughters disappointment, and maybe why my parents opted to go to my sisters this year <lol>).
Please ask her if she would rather you didn't spend Christmas with them next year. Christmas is supposed to be a wonderful time for sharing with family, but it is also a stressful occasion to host and to cook. Maybe it was simply the stress of the occasion. I'm sure she will be saddened to learn she may have contributed to you feeling this way.

QuM

If your daughter wants you there but is struggling financially, offer to pay your way. But be aware that she may be using that as an excuse to ring the changes and have Christmas just with her own family next year, so you could suggest alternating between your children rather than spending every Christmas with the same daughter each year.

836Soco

She’s seems to be hinting without being direct, either through embarrassment or worrying about upsetting you. 

Give the option of you making alternative plans for the big day, along with offering to contribute to the meal financially and/or taking the pressure off by helping with the cooking/cleaning or even hosting cooking the meal for all the family yourself for a change? Xmas can be stressful, expensive and the opposite of relaxing, maybe she needs financial help or a day off from the responsibility?

Dawn2024

I do Christmas alone and I have a daughter and a son!  They know the score and I leave it to them, if I get an invite then great.  My expectations are that I will not get an invite and I plan based on being alone,  Perhaps we women should meet up and be together next Christmas.  We could book a pub in advance.  Keep in touch.  I am in Cumbria.  

badgerblue_2

JacobY. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I had exactly this dilemma when my husband died. One daughter stopped coming to me for Christmas, although they always had before and I joined the other family for 6 years. I had the feeling that this family wanted to set up their own traditions not that they made me feel unwelcome, but the grandkids were growing up and I felt like the plus one. Which i was.  And everyone was trying to do something to please everybody else, but nobody was really happy. That’s a platitude but… So this year I just decided to go alone. I told my kids of my decision, that I’d probably volunteer somewhere, and nobody argued, so I’m sure it was the right one. The day wasn’t half as bad as I thought it might be. I’m sure they were happy, and we all met up on boxing day for a walk.  Each family is different. I love them all very much and I’m sure they love me, but after all it is only a day, and it’s nice for them to be able to make their own traditions and not feel they have to follow mine. 

JayD

Two thoughts:

How about talking to her about your concerns?

And, if she says she would still like you to come, then why not offer to make a financial contribution to the cost?

If it is possible, why not consider hosting a Christmas with you?

SWGranny

One extra person doesn't make that much difference, but if it was me I would liaise with my daughter to see what I could contribute.  Personally, I think it is rather harsh to leave an elderly person alone over Christmas.

Mother_of_Many

This is quite curious- a very odd thing for your daughter to say, rather than how expensive items are ‘at the moment’, particularly choosing to comment on ‘the expense of hosting’. 

I think it’s mad to suggest that providing one extra meal and a small gift is not doable for her own mother!

We have 5 children under 10 with a new baby due shortly…..we live in a cold old vicarage that isn’t insulated which we can’t afford to heat on my husbands low income (trainee vicars are on the benefits cap but in homes we can’t afford to warm etc)…our money isn’t easy at all, and I look for ways to save all year on groceries etc…..

YET we always welcome people who would otherwise be on their own at Christmas. 

You can bulk out a Christmas meal with extra veggies, which are often cheaper before Christmas- 15p for some bag of veg this year was a total winner! It doesn’t have to be the finest of food etc.

It’s a shame you can’t talk to your daughter about what the real problem might be, as it feels like ‘hosting’ might be an excuse.

Next year, feel very welcome to come to us! 😃 There’s always room for an extra one at our table. My children don’t have grandparents to dote on them and they would love to have that! We eat at 3pm usually! No need to bring anything!

kwinser7

Are you in a position to offer to bring the turkey or something else to help reduce her costs?  Personally if she was my daughter I would ask her if she would rather have Christmas just with her children and partner.  If she says no then I would offer to contribute in some way if you are in a financial position to do so.  If you aren't, I would tell her that you would really like to help out financially but you aren't in a position to do so.

Oldish_biddy

My daughter and her family hosts me together with her dad, his wife and her adult son.  She also drives about 2.5 hours each way to pick us all up for a few days stay. Last year I contributed towards  the cost.  This year I got a sizeable Tesco voucher as I’d got a new insurance policy out.  I gave her the lot. I’d told the other three that’s what I was doing. I hope they did something too. I’ve already told her if she wants a year out it’s fine by me. I like eating what I like and doing what I like but the neighbours do ask me to join them.