Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my daughter she needn't have me over next Christmas?

artglassgirl

That’s such a sad comment. To feel alone after such a major bereavement and not welcomed by family. My heart goes out to you.
My dad died a long time ago and since then my mum spent each Christmas with different children. She always kindly brought some food & helped with the cooking. 

I’d have a chat with the daughter, explain how much it would hurt not to share Christmas but agree that the cost of living is going up, so what could you bring to help out. Do this way in advance so everyone knows what’s expected. 

lb364

Depends how many years you’ve been going and what you did for Christmas before being widowed. Maybe she’s just feeling a bit bitter that she’s hosting every year at a cost and her siblings aren’t. Sadly a lot of people assume you become rich when widowed so she may be under the false impression you’re sitting on a newly acquired fortune if you’re not open about your finances.

I would just have an honest conversation, offer to contribute or not go and see what happens. There’s no point cutting yourself off if it isn’t necessary.

Dingbat

Agree with Marcon - have a conversation and express your concern about the cost and the workload (as you'll know from many Christmases you will have organised) - and ask how you can help. 

Good Housekeeping estimated the cost of 11 items for a 2023 Christmas dinner for 8 people was just over £33.08 - but that depends where you shop (a free range turkey from a farm would cost more than that alone) - but it's not just the dinner, it's planning and all the other Christmas paraphernalia, e.g. seasonal food like mince pies. Depending on whether you join them for the day or for longer, there may be other meals. A couple of years ago, a friend of mine who's a project manager did a proper costing as she used to host a big traditional family Christmas meal and including all the food, drinks and her time, the per capita cost was over £30. She documented this and, as she was retiring (so on a much reduced income) asked her (adult) children to contribute.

A contribution may be financial, food (by agreement and depending on what can be carried), practical help or a combination of any of these. My partner and I spent a few days over Christmas with my sister, so I did all three of these and aimed to share as much of the work as I could. We planned ahead what I and my other sister would bring, it was a team effort - and all the more enjoyable for that.

So space to say how she feels and a good listenting to, followed by "what would you like to have happen another time?" - and maybe have the same conversation with your other daughter - would let you know what's best to do.

NannyJaffaCakes

Christmas is always an expensive time, but I don't think your daughter was being hurtful. Perhaps you could talk to her and make sure you know exactly what she meant.  Don't 'volunteer' to stay away ....that sounds as if you are making a sacrifice for her.  Better to book yourself into a hotel for a few days and spend Christmas with other people who could become friends. Tell your daughter you fancy a change and get yourself booked in somewhere...it doesn't have to be far from your home and you would enjoy being with other people who are not family and who have no expectations of you nor you of them. No commitment from anyone.  Being a widow doesn't mean you have to be lonely. I've been a widow for 25 years and I spend a lot of time alone, especially with Lockdown etc., but I am never lonely. I have a family and friends and I go to the cinema and theatre (alone but meet friends when I get there). I also go on holiday or take a short break, but I don't go abroad now as I am old and the journey is usually exhausting :-)  I would suggest a coach trip if it's your first time alone, there's always someone else in the same situation and you are never left alone unless you choose to be.  Perhaps you could go to your other daughter for a change?  Or does she also spend Christmas with you and her sister?  If you belong to a church ask if they have a lunch club or similar, and see if they do Christmas lunch for people who are alone.  You do have choices and in the end it will be up to you what you do for Christmas. First of all talk to your daughter and find out what she really meant but don't make a hasty decision....there's plenty of time to decide before next Christmas :-)  Take care and I hope you get clarification with your daughter which will help you to make a decision. Good luck :-) 

Missy15

Why on earth do you need other peoples advice on this? You can help subsidise the cost,  by taking food/ giving money and / or have them visit you on alternative years for Christmas.
 I live alone in a small house but have 4 members of my family  visit from abroad,  not always  at Christmas, and yes it is very expensive and hard work preparing for them at anytime.
They in turn host me, and take me out and about , or they buy me nice presents and  help me with jobs at mine. So it evens itself out.
However  I do prefer Christmas alone, it is so overrated! as a previous person said, I do exactly what I want, cook what I like and enjoy the peace.

Ed264

Does your daughter host dinner parties for friends? If so, it could be that you've misinterpreted her comments and taken them out of context - she really could have meant that hosting for her friends is expensive. I can't imagine any respectable daughter complaining about the additional cost of her mum staying with them at Christmastime. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart chat with her about how you feel, and I think you'll find that you've taken what she said the wrong way. I hope that's what all this is about really. 

cathiep459

When we have Christmas gatherings, everyone chips in by paying for part of the meal or helping to prepare it.  One family will buy some of the drinks, one gets the turkey, another the veg, another the pud/cream/custard etc, one buys the crackers (decent ones, not 99p for 20 type!!) or small gifts (such as a three pack of Ferrero Roche or an alcohol miniature or a mini puzzle book/game for the kids) and napkins another gets the Christmas cake and mince pies. Everyone either helps peel the veg or lay the table/keep the kids occupied. It really helps everyone as nobody is struggling to cover all the costs and everyone is having a great time If you are the only extra person, maybe you could offer to buy part of the meal? 

amysquie

Christmas is an expensive and overwhelming time as it is, before you even think about hosting and all the 'magic' mothers are expected to make for the kids. My most likely bet is that she'd love for you or one of the sisters to host next Christmas so she can actually enjoy it. Or maybe she does just want a quiet Christmas so you could go to another daughter's, or a friend's, or volunteer somewhere. Make these suggestions and see what she says.

queline

Having lost my mum a week ago and she had to spend Christmas on her own in hospital, I'd give anything to have been able to spend her last Christmas with her.  It doesn't really cost any more to have one more person to feed.  But, like others have said, I think it's time to talk to your daughter, and offer to make a contribution, whether money or actual food.  

gloriouslyhappy

Bonnypitlad said:

My suggestion is that you discuss it with your daughter. Not a multitude of sarcastic strangers 

Who are you calling sarcastic? Most responses have been measured and reasonable, apart from yours!