Watty's Awakening

Watty1

It is beautifully sunny here although really cold. The outside taps are all frozen. I've upped Most Handsome's painkillers slightly and he looks much more comfortable this morning and the heat has gone from the foot indicating the inflammation is back under control.  I think I was just too eager to seem him fully recovered.  I should know better. (sigh).

The VNM work van broke down yesterday afternoon and a hire van needs to be supplied so the switch will happen on the drive here as it is so big, the entire front garden was converted to a shale covered parking space a very long time ago so there is a lot of space.   This means he has enough room to move all the tools and so on and has given him a bonus day off as the recovery did not happen until very late yesterday.  We are going to visit the village for a coffee as I need to go to the library and we will have coffee and cake at either the church or one of the cafe's. 

Then home to the office for me. I need to make some progress on the course.  I have set my self the challenge of getting 3 modules completely done by the end of the weekend.  They are written I just need the slides to go with them and the order sorted.    Employing someone to do them did not work out so I shall need to do it myself.  With the sun streaming in I feel more cheerful than I have in days - in part I think due to the "talking to" supplied by you lovely lot about the ex.

LadyWithAPlan

badmemory said:

LadyWithAPlan said:

Its spring - men get needy like London pigeons - no matter how busted they are they still chase  everything with a tail 
.

Oh this!!!   I have a 77 yr old (same age) in my life wants me to live with him.  Not a chance he has serious history.  Lovely man & at least he is nice when he cheats unlike my ex.  His family realise I know but I don't think he does.  They do tend to think they a little clever.

Ha! Genius . Especially the line ‘at least he is nice when he cheats!!!’ 

I remember when watching a Joan Rivers documentary and she said she had her heart broken at 72 - as her boyfriend was paying lots of ‘attention’ to another 
she also said how the heart is the same at 16 and 72 - love feels the same , heartbreak hurts just as much 

Watty you go ! You are fabulous and please do the space clearing ceremony this weekend and reposition how you want your life to be in your house now 
do you know how to do one? Can write on here - get that old energy out the house 

No offer to pay for vet bills? I would ask next time he calls - that might put him off calling again 
I love you have VNM in your life 

I was on my 4th date this time around last night and he asked about my last ex so I said about being dumped by text and I  finding I am a bit wary - cos the trust issue - he said he was aware and how I was different before - we went on a few walk dates a few years ago - so I am also tackling something I need to heal  that is lingering on for too long - I wil do a space clearing myself especially for my bedroom

Slinky

45 years ago my mother cheated on my dad, messed him around for a long time and eventually left.  I've had nothing to do with her voluntarily (or at all for 30 years) since. One day she turned up on his doorstep asking if I wanted the kitten she had adopted but wasn't settling in her home. Dad turned her away (I was no longer living at home anyway). It was just an excuse that if I accepted the kitten, she would attempt to worm her way in.

Ex is using interest in Wattydog as a means of keeping contact. Maybe things aren't going to well with the new woman, or perhaps it's just devilment.

I don't see that you've said that you've deleted his numbers. Of course it's entirely up to you if you do or don't. But perhaps you need to be honest with yourself as to why you can't do this? Is there something in the back of your mind that still can't quite let go? I'm speaking as somebody who took 10 years to get over a past relationship.

Watty1

Well I've been thinking over why I don't block his number and I think there is a disconnect in my brain.  

The relationship with the ex was familiar, comforting and a known thing.  Entering into the unknown was scary. My brain longed (maybe at some level still does) to go back to the comfort of the known and yet at the same time I am very aware that i left because we were not working towards a joint future and he was, simply put, nasty to me.

He is only in contact now because he "wants information I have" (I'm not going into the details) and he knows I'm likely just to explain rather than hang up.

So why do I not ignore the messages and the calls?    And after a lot of thinking it over I have concluded it is because at some level I dont really want to believe the last 3 to 5 years happened.    i suppose there was no real "closure" because although I got the injunction he was still around and the injunction was on grounds of financial and psychological abuse and those are the things that no-one sees.

We accomplished a lot together so my brain tells me and being alone is so very different.   And at some level  I am scared of that even though I have a very different life now.

I've been awake a lot of the night listening to the wind and thinking and one of the things I am now more than certain about is that this year I do need to sort out how to get that barn converted.  Being here, in the house we once shared is not so ideal  Starting on that barn will begin to make my new space and my financial freedom.

daisy_1571

That sounds like you've really thought it all out.  Its definitely true the brain likes familiar even if that familiar is doing us no favours.  In time, your new life will be the familiar.   Theres a time for everything and when you are ready, you'll do what you want re contact.   It might be that you continue to allow the contact, that way you are keeping tabs on what he wants and giving whatever information you deem appropriate.   It also keeps the contact over the phone and at arms length.   It might be you block him and let him go away and 'boil his heed' as we say in Scotland (often we add some colourful extra words in there too).  Who knows, you'll decide as you go along. 

Closure is hard.  You'll never get it from him.  People don't just say or do the things you need for your closure unless its a film and you get to write both sides of the dialogue.   You can always do a ceremony of some sort for your own peace of mind?  The flush out thing lady with a plan said?  Watch the friends episode where the 3 girls do a ceremony.   Write it all down then burn it.  Scream at the night sky.  Pain a picture of all the pain and burn it.  Make a shape and imbue it with all the negative stuff then burn it.  Sorry  I seem to only think about clearing it by fire.  I'm sure you can do similar with wind or running water.  Whatever makes sense to you.

Its good that you have the potential plan for the barn.  Fingers crossed you can get moving on that.

badmemory

There is always the South Pacific - I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair.

Bargainhunter30

https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5hY2FzdC5jb20vcHVibGljL3Nob3dzL2JlZWU4OGY2LTIzMDktNDAzNC1hZWQxLTk0OWRjNTdmOTc3OQ/episode/NjVkNGFlOWFkNTAwMGIwMDE3MDNkYTU3?ep=14

A useful podcast I listened to about Narcissistic behaviour and surviving it x

Watty1

Bit of a tough listen in part that podcast.   The ex was more covert than obvious.  Still gone now.

I've thought more about deleting the number and decided against it on the basis if he rings I can decide to answer or not, but, if he never gets through he will undoubtedly come round which i do not want to happen.  

Watty1

Having a bit of a down day early AM. Up, meditation as usual then work and honestly it has got out of control.

I made a cup of tea and had a think and decided the way forward was simply to sell up.  This will release the cash from the property, I could then put the horses on livery and buy something smaller.  I found a very tiny 2 bedroom detached house in the next village for £285,000  It has no parking and very little of the furniture will fit but it seemed a plan in the early hours.  With the released cash I can give up work, or at the very least, work part-time.  

Settled with my plan I decided I would think on it for a few days.  That turned into an hour.  A friend called and asked if a friend of mine who runs possibly the most expensive yard in the South East had any spaces for someone on her yard who had been asked to leave.    Turned out yard has turned very nasty and bitchy and this poor lady has effectively been bullied out.   I quickly rang pal with the very expensive yard who hates bullying and had actually asked 3 people to leave last year when she found they were being nasty to someone on the yard.  She does not really have space but said the person should call her as she might figure something out.

We chatted about how quickly nice livery yards can turn into hot beds of bitchiness and toxicity and how hard she works to make sure hers never does.  That made me decide I simply need a better plan, I would actually hate to have the boys on a livery yard where people have little to do other than be mean to each other.

Selling up and moving like that is clearly not going to be the answer.

Watty1

Friend has been on phone again.  In all the drama at her yard, not only has one person been asked to leave but now another.  There was a lot of yelling and friend's horse got spooked by the yelling and knocked her over.  Friend has broken ribs now she thinks.

I am so glad I keep my horses at home.        And how interesting all this happened on the very day I was so down I was thinking of selling up and moving them to a livery yard.  It just feels like the universe said "no way Watty - look how awful livery yards can be"  and so a very serendipitous day