Watty's Awakening

LadyWithAPlan

Glad your focus is on getting PPH extraneous rubbish out 

that house clearing sounds like an advert for the Swedish Death Cleaning - glad she travelled a lot at least and had a big life. 

Reminds me to keep buying less 

daisy_1571

Can you try to find the joy in clearing out dust and letting in the air?  Joy in another drawer emptied?   Maybe focus on the changes you are making rather than the sadness of the life.  Although... thats only your interpretation.  Inside she maybe was very happy with memories,  didn't need pics of what you think was her life highlights, happy to have pics of extended ancestors.  Even if you don't believe that, reframing it to that will help you with tasks that simply need to be done? 

Cos no matter if she was happy, put upon to store things for older family members, mentally unable to distinguish between genuine rubbish and genuine treasures, aware she was a pain but happy to be that way, or miserable that she got old and was no longer capable of the life she previously had etc etc she's dead, you're not (vnm is hopefully moving into acceptance stage that it is natural order of things but she wasn't your person so you can be practical in your head even if outwardly still having to tread gently) there is a task to be done which will only get clearer rather than added to which is A Good Thing.  Hope it goes well

Dxxx

Chrystal

Thinking of you and hoping you can take onboard some of @daisy_1571 s way of looking at things.  It would make a very difficult job easier to cope with. 

Glad you've got your head around getting rid of the things PPH left behind.  As you said if he could have profited from them he would have taken them.  I'm sending thoughts into the Universe that Karma gives him what he deserves.  ((((hugs)))) XXX

badmemory

Did bf's mother have dementia?  I am only wondering because as you said it is odd to keep receipts for items you have sold.  I am wondering if at some point she has decided she is really very short of money so needs to sell them & thinks that she is going to need to prove where they are.  Almost as if she needs to prove that they haven't been stolen (from her, by her).  A touch of paranoia sometimes comes as part of the dementia.  I am sure this won't help but may explain why some "stuff" is there.

Watty1

Very wise @daisy_1571 Very wise words. thank you for sharing.

Home and popped into my office.  I have concluded, and heartless though this is, actually it was laziness and a simple belief that someone else would sort it all out in the end, as indeed we are doing.    I've sorted and emptied a mountain of paperwork and the VNM recalls many a time she said there would be a lot to sort out when she was gone because she couldn't be bothered.  And that is about the truth of it all.   I don't think she wanted the papers, she just stuffed them in drawers and forgot them.   This wasn't dementia but a kind of laziness.  The receipts for items sold are the same, someone can deal with it all later.   Some I could understand keeping but most of, I could not.  Each year, the previous stuff could have been thrown.

The place looks better now, one can breathe and see what there is.   The VNM's daughter has still to make a date to come and look through the photos and treasures before they go, the VNM admitted he would be happy for them to be thrown away but his daughter has asked so the house cannot be cleared by professionals until she has been for a final trip. I know she is putting it off, but will wait a while before saying so.  She is not yet ready to move on to acceptance.   The house needs one more trip, then it will be ready to be emptied and sold.  

daisy_1571

Yes, thats another reason 😆. 

Not heartless at all, just realistic.  And from her point if view, why not?  As everyone says no point worrying about your funeral as you'll be gone by then.  At least she was honest enough to say thats what she was doing.  A certain amount could maybe have been done by vnm being firmer with her as she went along but either way, it is what it is and your doing great helping the family.   

I hope you are able to clear one space and put all the stuff for his daughter to look through then you know it can all be dumped once she has done.  I'm assuming he doesn't want to take it to her and let her work through it for herself at her own pace... maybe you could stuff it all in her car on your drive 😆 

Dxxx

Watty1

That did make me laugh @daisy_1571  I think her entire family could have been firmer with her rather than "putting up with" and then cutting contact when they couldn't cope any longer with her tantrums but it is what it is/we are where we are.   I have collected all the dressing table trinkets and jewellery I can find and put it all on the dressing table.  All the photos and memory stuff of old houses they lived in, and family history stuff is in a mountainous pile on the floor.   (I have previously sent 2 suitcases to hers which apparently she was a bit daunted by but she asked!).   I have suggested a fish and chip supper evening is spent looking through the stuff and then it can go.   At the same time she can take anything she wants and then that will be it.  I know it will be a sad evening but I decided to make a positive suggestion, fix it so it would be easy enough by grouping stuff and then leave it there.

The bit that made me laugh was putting it in her car.    The car has gone!  I rode CC and came back, dismounted and he swerved as I was dismounting, so, I hit my leg on her blooming car.  I limped in and said that I wanted the car gone from my garden immediately  I admit I was in a "right strop" as my grandmother would have said.

Within a couple of days the car was fixed enough to drive down the road to the front of the house where it was parked on the huge parking space I have outside the front.  I was less bothered about it there as it made no difference to me there, but, scrap yards where called and it has been scrapped.   I think I may be the wicked witch of the north, but, the car has gone.

Cherryfudge

It's your house and you've been letting the car stay rent free, so I think it's only fair the car went. She can't have wanted it that much if she's not needed it for months.

daisy_1571

yaaay, cheerio little car 👋 

Dxxx

Watty1

For completeness I should add daddy bought her a new car, not new new but new to her.   The nice thing is that is their issue and not mine.  I  am working on my own financial plans, the VNM is a part of my life but not a "financial part".    With the ex PPH we were supposedly working on a joint future (ahem) so I felt I could comment and drive issues forwards but with the VNM I am clear, this is my house, my financial life, my future planning, my company and I work for myself.    I've done the "joint" thing, got badly burnt and will not do that again and the VNM gets it, after all he watched the fall out and totally understands why I will not do mixing of financials again.

The flip side means I can think what I want privately, can make the odd gentle suggestion but I do not comment. After all, I don't want to share my finances.  It is very freeing after PPH I must say.