Watty's Awakening

Watty1

this morning I boxed up the photographs the VNM bought home from his mother's nursing home and put them in the loft. I was tired of them on the dining room floor. I know he is still struggling with grief but I do not want the photos of a lady who was very unkind to me around my house.   It was hard to explain without being unkind that I had done this.  He countered with the large number of framed pictures I have leaning on the bedroom wall and I really wanted to point out it is "MY" house and I can do WHAT I LIKE  but I did not.  I simply said some where to be sold and some where to be hung and said the pictures where safe in the loft and as I do not store things in my loft, he knows where they are and can access them when he is ready.       

Now I just need the box of multiple address books to go too.

He makes a good point though. I will decide where to hang the pictures that are on the floor and see about selling a couple of the bits of artwork.     

Alchemilla

Does he still have his own place Watty?

Watty1

Alchemilla said:

Does he still have his own place Watty?

His house is rented out.  He does live at this mothers, so he could just take everything back there but I am mindful of grief and "being nice".     He mostly lives at mine now and is talking about selling his mothers place when the estate is settled.    (Odd family, they all seem to have houses and cars that another owns and uses but I suppose it works out in the end).

daisy_1571

Oh god watty that sounds like my pals husbands family - all worked out well for them "keeping it in the family" and keeping outsiders out (including partners!), unwritten loans between them etc.  Happy days until the sister got dementia and her partner shafted pals husband.  There wasn't a thing he could do.  Very satisfying to watch as if he had just trusted his wife (like a normal person would) she would have steered him right and he'd have been fine.  Instead he trusted family and kept her out, poo poohing her when she asked if he'd got a written agreement or occasionally questioned if something they were sneaking around doing was in his interests or actually more in his sisters interests.  He just never saw it, trusted sister and father to the hilt and couldn't see any wrong they did yet distrusted his wife in spite of her never giving a single moments cause.

Watty1

@daisy_1571  that does sound a nightmare.    

VNM is so open, showing me things, asking my advice and interestingly actually taking it too.  Although I would be happier if his daughter's car actually left my garden   He has said he will take it to the local garage and get another mechanic's view on the car and maybe scrap it and I have mentally set a target for this although I have not yet told him it is to be gone by Easter

Watty1

A day in London yesterday to attend the AGM of a charity I am a fellow of.  The finances were awful but they have a plan, the networking was good  and the lunch lovely.  I wish I had gone longer and stayed later from a business networking point of view but I did as much as my mental health could cope with.

Home later than usual and that led to an expensive salad and fish evening meal from the local m and s. The VNM was here so also had a bottle of wine.  As a consequence I am exhausted this morning.

Cherryfudge

That's a full day yesterday - can you give yourself time today to do something that builds up your mental health?

And perhaps you could 'helpfully' offer to take the broken car to the garage to save him a job?

LadyWithAPlan

Well done for clearing stuff out your living space that is not positive and uplifting 

Yeah to a book in the sun in your garden 

I love my family but seen a couple crazy behaviours around money - I understand the trauma but not when it leads to selfish or downright wrong dishonest behaviour - I do trust my mum but the rest honestly I just love them but I keep all finances separate and would never live on their land etc 

my ex last year - his mum and he had had a company to channel his consultancy work through / all legal and above board - but when she died the other siblings wanted this to be her money not his - even though he was the sole earner on the company and only one who added any money in or earnt anything . So the executor (an angry brother) did what he could to convince everyone that my ex had had more inheritance than others early etc it got messy 

It got so bad that he now does not talk to the rest of his family and his kids have lost contact with their cousins which is v sad 
he had a legal case but decided not to pursue.
 

I know Dave Ramsey can be v annoying  & wrong when it comes to his investing, no credit ever and far too evangelical and pro Tr&&p for me plus he doesn’t understand Uk tax law so his advice doesn’t work there on paying house down vs pensions in UK but his advice on helping family and money apart is correct as is don’t give family loans just gift instead etc 

Watty1

Not exactly a restful day as the VNM asked me to help make a start clearing his mothers stuff, so, perhaps the point of the pictures on my floor was well taken.  We have filled two bins and have a pile of stuff "to go" when there is opportunity.  There is also a pile of old photographs for his daughter to look through and then be thrown away unless she wants any and a couple of albums to be offered to an uncle.  

A house clearance firm will be called it to clear her part of the house. I did think we could do what needed to be done, but it will take a lot of time and there is so much that needs to be thrown away is felt so sad.   It seemed to brutal to say lets just get a skip, but, I did think it.  The brutal honesty of the "gentle art of Swedish death cleaning" felt so real today.

This is just a chaotic jumble of discarded memories no one wanted to throw away so no one did.    I'm not even sure she really wanted it all.

badmemory

I really understand the difficulties.  When my mother went into a care home & with rapidly increased dementia, we had to clear her house.  My sister wanted to just bin everything regardless & I just couldn't bring myself to.  So I landed up with quite a bit of stuff plus what I already had from a move from a 5 bed to a small 3 bed ONLY 30 years ago.  Can you see a trend.   I have got rid of a lot but I still have a loft almost full of stuff that went in there when DS & I moved in.

I do not want to leave DS with this nightmare to solve, especially as he does not do open staircases/loft ladders, so it is down to me.  Never let anyone tell you that these clear outs are easy, they are quite definitely not.