Husband deals with all the finances

RebekahR

Emmia said:

Username03725 said:

RebekahR said:

I just dont feel like it should be my money. I've not earned it. And he clearly views it also as not my money to keep it separate. I will think more seriously about a POA though as that is a damn good point. Is that all I need in the event of accident/capacity loss or is there any thing else?

Oh my word.

You married this guy, you’ve bought a house and had his children and are selling bits n bobs on eBay to scrape by because he deems that the less than sixty quid a week he gives you (not even a tenner a day!!!) is enough, and you don’t think you’re entitled to a share of his money? You’re married to him. If you weren’t, you’d hopefully be working and enjoying your own income.

He's a bully as far as I can see, casually dismissing your questions and refusing to involve you. Please see that you’re worth more than this sort of treatment. 

Go through his statements, and insist that if nothing else he gives you a reason for his refusal to engage, but mainly stand up for yourself. You’ve given up a lot be married to him and to produce his children. You have an absolute right to fair treatment. 

Running Away Fund? Every woman in my family - grandmothers, mother, sisters and their daughters too now - have a running away fund. It’s absolutely normal. My wife has one. I stick a bit in for her occasionally but she still hasn’t gone yet*.

* best joke ever, saw it on Twitter the other week. 🙃

I would be a bit careful about "standing up to him". Whilst legally the home etc is a matrimonial asset, it is not in the OPs name - if hubby threw her out (which would be wrong) does the OP have money to pay for a hotel for several nights, or somewhere (friends /family) she could go? She can also only (as it stands) access the money in the event of a divorce - so for that reason I'd be working out what he has.

This is why she needs a good amount in the running away fund and/or a job.

Very good points! I would not have enough money to stay in a hotel or pay for food/look after the kids. I currently have £500 in my savings account. That wouldn't go far. No space at family (and they aren't the type of people I want to be around) and I have no real life friends. There would need to be 3 of us to house.

So yes it's all down to me getting a job and saving that in the running away fund as it's called. I feel comforted that a lot of people do that and I feel stupid I haven't added money to it before!

RebekahR

nom_de_plume said:

There's a hell of a lot of reading between the lines and speculating going on here, some of which is quite possibly / probably way off the mark. 
My take is that Rebekah is actually quite happy generally with her current situation but has some real worries about future events that (hopefully) may not happen.
Rebekah, has something happened that is prompting your concerns over your husband's future health and wellbeing?

Bang on the money all is fine over all. He's just sooo damn lazy! And is about everything. He has recently gone away with work and does for up to 3 weeks at a time. This is when I worry that if anything happened to him and got killed on the plane or something i'm in the poo. As I have to feed those 2 kids out of whatever I have in my account during those weeks. I then catastrophize and think of worse case scenarios. I'm now worrying about the one with him alive but not able to do anything! I somehow need to pursuade him to do a POA!

RebekahR

Mojisola said:

As your home is only in his name, to preserve your rights you can register a matrimonial interest -

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

This means he won't be able to sell or remortgage without solicitors/mortgage companies being aware that you have rights to the property.

Brilliant! I never knew this existed! Geeze i'm so dumb! Does he need to sign anything or know that i've filled this out?

RebekahR

thegreenone said:

You've been bombarded with information/thoughts.  Just one more from me: 

If your husband is saying his Mum will help you out with money perhaps you could counter with:

"how can she do that when you do all her finances and she does nothing online?". 

"if your Mum does give me money, surely this will be as Gifts and could affect IHT?". 

"if Mum needs care, giving me money could be seen as deprivation of assets and also whoever is helping her then may not allow it".  

"My sister may not be in a position to give me money".

Good points. Thank you

Pollycat

RebekahR said:

Pollycat said:

RebekahR said:

NlghtOwl said:

RebekahR said:

RAS said:

Does he have a will? For that matter, do you? Who are the executors?

This matters as some banks will release quite large sums to the executor or next of kin, although it should not then be used for family living costs.

Trying to understand the extent of the problem, here.

If he was hurt in a car crash and unconscious, would you know who to contact re the car insurance, any health/mortgage protection insurance? And it anything then happened in the house, do you know who to contact re house insurance, repairs etc? 

Neither of us have a will. I have nothing to leave. No money and no real possessions. So your saying if there is a will the bank will give the next of kin some of the funds? Why on earth can't you use it for living on. Bit daft. Or i'm just dumb ...!

No idea on car insurance, no health insurance. Mortgage protection i've never heard of. Again no idea who the house insurance is with. Repairs I guess is a local builder/plumber etc etc.

“You’ve no possessions or money” That’s the point I’m afraid you’re missing, you are married so half of his money is yours. If he has money then so do you. You need access to the money generally and in the event of him dying or having an accident and losing capacity.  Without this info it would be an admin and emotional nightmare and could prevent you looking after him if something were to happen.

I don’t want this to come across as having a go at you but to point out these important issues to anyone else reading these threads. Good luck 

I just dont feel like it should be my money. I've not earned it. And he clearly views it also as not my money to keep it separate. I will think more seriously about a POA though as that is a damn good point. Is that all I need in the event of accident/capacity loss or is there any thing else?

Is this your viewpoint or something he's drilled into you over time?

Mine. I don't feel worthy due to my past abuse. It's my issues. I just feel like a no one and have since a kid.

Really sorry to hear that.
I wonder if that was what drew him to you initially.

I don't know if you've said how old your kids are but do you see any of the other Mums?
If they are grown up, what sort of relationship do they have with their Dad?

When you go out to shop for top-ups, could you try to start a conversation with someone, maybe the person behind you in the queue?
I know it's not as easy as it is for some. I am very much an extrovert and can chat happily to anyone. My husband id much more reserved.

You mention one friend who says you should have a joint account. What support does she give you? Are you honest with her?
No other friends?

It's obvious you are lacking in confidence and have low self esteem.
Have you thought about trying to do something that will make you feel that you should be valued for who you are and for what you do (and have done e.g. raise a family, run a household)

This might be useful:
Raising low self-esteem - NHS (www.nhs.uk)
 

MalMonroe

Hello, there are a lot of issues here I know but if I can just focus on the reason you posted in the first place - did you see Martin Lewis's programme last night? I would try to have a look at it, if you can because part of it focused on the fact that a lot of people don't have a clue about their joint household finances. You are not alone in that just one person in your relationship deals with the money.  Martin advised that you get to know what's going on in your household. Just a suggestion but it really was a very interesting programme.

When I was married, I did allow my husband - in fact, it was a habit we fell into - to take control of finances because he was so very good at it. There was no jiggery pokery and he wasn't in any debt or gambling or trying to hide anything but he was very capable. Probably still is - and is now also in his fourth marriage. When he left I floundered - especially as I was left in charge of caring for our young daughter and I didn't know which way to turn at all. Financially I was baffled. And I did end up in great debt because I didn't have a clue. I had a pretty good job (had to go out to work full time and pay for child care too) but mismanaged my money terribly.

Getting into great debt was very scary and I ended up with a DRO (debt relief order) and struggled for years but now I'm debt free.

What I'm trying to say is that if you can manage to learn about what is going on with your joint finances - you are entitled to know - then if anything does happen - you never know - you will be prepared and not get yourself into a similar mess to mine. 

Your self-confidence is at all time low and it isn't difficult to see why but you definitely ARE a worthy person and you deserve respect from your husband too. Respect enough for him to see you as an equal and not someone who isn't quite on the same level. Giving you 'spending money' or as it used to be called 'housekeeping' isn't treating you as an equal at all. And you definitely do earn money by keeping a home, looking after children and generally keeping the home running for your family. You really do need some organisational skills for all that, don't underestimate yourself.

I think a job would be a great idea and would get you out of the home and hopefully help you to make some nice new friends. I met most of the friends I have now through work over the years. 

Anyway, sorry, I digress. I just wanted to say if you can, do have a look at Martin's show. He always gives good advice! And he's on telly again tonight. 

Obviously this is all my own opinion and thought. I wish you all the best. 

nom_de_plume

RebekahR said:

nom_de_plume said:

There's a hell of a lot of reading between the lines and speculating going on here, some of which is quite possibly / probably way off the mark. 
My take is that Rebekah is actually quite happy generally with her current situation but has some real worries about future events that (hopefully) may not happen.
Rebekah, has something happened that is prompting your concerns over your husband's future health and wellbeing?

Bang on the money all is fine over all. He's just sooo damn lazy! And is about everything. He has recently gone away with work and does for up to 3 weeks at a time. This is when I worry that if anything happened to him and got killed on the plane or something i'm in the poo. As I have to feed those 2 kids out of whatever I have in my account during those weeks. I then catastrophize and think of worse case scenarios. I'm now worrying about the one with him alive but not able to do anything! I somehow need to pursuade him to do a POA!

Sounds like you are perhaps overthinking things and worrying unnecessarily. Yes the things you are worrying about can and do happen but the likelihood is incredibly small so don't let them become an obsession that takes over your life. Set out a few goals, for example a joint rainy day savings account and slowly work towards them one at a time. If you bombard him with too much at once you'll likely set alarm bells ringing. Softly, softly catchee monkey!

Abbafan1972

@RebekahR are you ok? 

Are there any updates? 

RebekahR

Abbafan1972 said:

@RebekahR are you ok? 

Are there any updates? 

Hi. Sorry I don't tend to look at this board as regulary as I used to!

I spoke to him last week about getting a power of attorney sorted which apparently "is on his list".

In the meantime I've been taking the £250 pocket money he gives me and have put it into a chase saver account. So I'm now sat on £1.5k. Not much but it's a starter ... That will be my in case it all hits the fan savings to pay bills etc.

So that's about it really!