Husband deals with all the finances

RebekahR

Don't know where to put this one but going on the back of todays programme I'm popping it here.

I am 41 so have plenty of time ahead of me. I have been thinking about this so much over the past few years. If hubby pops it I have to deal with bills, mortgage, and bringing up the children. I have no income except for what my husband gives to me as "pocket money". This is a set allowance of £250 a month and a top up when needed.

If he dies I have no idea who all the bills are with, where to go for the paperwork, no log in's - Nothing. I would have no money except what's in my bank account (very litte) as we don't hold a account together for bills or food. 

Now I have tried to get him to tell me about bills and stuff before and he just says later. He always puts it off. As this section came on the TV show tonight he convienently got up and walked out the room. He just avoids it. So with him completely unwilling to do anything at all what can I do myself to prepare? Do I go snopping in his paperwork piles? I've already started moving £250 every month (As of this year) into a savings account to try and save up money in case it all hits the fan. I will need money to pay bills and feed and clothe the kids after all. It worries me so much and yet when he is unwilling to face it there is literally nothing I can do. When i've mentioned it before all he has said is oh my mum will help you out - well she is as thick as 2 planks and can't even use anything online or know what to do herself. He does everything for her so that isn't going to happen. And another time he said oh your sister will give you money. Why is he passing the buck? So lazy. He should be caring for his family.

msb1234

Your husband is financially abusing you. Set a time when you will have mo distractions - send the kids to grandmas or a friend, sit down with the TV off and have a laptop / ipad at the ready then tell him to log on to your bank accounts and show you. As a bare minimum you should have a joint account for all the household spending and you should have full access to this account. 

JLMartin

Does he do everything online or does he have paperwork?  If he has paper files then there should be details of companies phone numbers.If he won’t go through with you then you will have to snoop.  You need to look after yourself.  At worst you’d get red reminders and you would find out who you owe.  Not sure about log-ins though.  

RebekahR

JLMartin said:

Does he do everything online or does he have paperwork?  If he has paper files then there should be details of companies phone numbers.If he won’t go through with you then you will have to snoop.  You need to look after yourself.  At worst you’d get red reminders and you would find out who you owe.  Not sure about log-ins though.  

I honestly have no clue! He is very tech savvy so I would say he does most online tbh. Guess I'll just have to wait for the reds and deal with it then.

RebekahR

msb1234 said:

Your husband is financially abusing you. Set a time when you will have mo distractions - send the kids to grandmas or a friend, sit down with the TV off and have a laptop / ipad at the ready then tell him to log on to your bank accounts and show you. As a bare minimum you should have a joint account for all the household spending and you should have full access to this account. 

I have been campaigning for a joint account for years but he won't have any of it. He does leave his bank statements lying around but that would be really bad of me to look at those to see what outgoings are.

NlghtOwl

RebekahR said:

JLMartin said:

Does he do everything online or does he have paperwork?  If he has paper files then there should be details of companies phone numbers.If he won’t go through with you then you will have to snoop.  You need to look after yourself.  At worst you’d get red reminders and you would find out who you owe.  Not sure about log-ins though.  

I honestly have no clue! He is very tech savvy so I would say he does most online tbh. Guess I'll just have to wait for the reds and deal with it then.

Sorry but no, this is financial abuse but hard to recognise. You need these details from your husband, it’s a partnership not pocket money. Start teaching yourself with YouTube or podcasts - meaningful money and money to the masses are good ones. Don’t think you don’t have a clue, get your head around these things and If you show you understand then he should be willing to open up. If not then make plans to escape. Show him you’re serious. Good luck xx

Spendless

I agree this is financial abuse. Are you in a position to work eg are the kids school age, that would at least give you some money of your own over and above what your husband gives you. 

SandyShores

I second Spendless that you should consider earning some of your own money so that you can have some independence - you can keep your skills uptodate too.  Most online banking is very similar but you could try an account switch and become familiar with another one - maybe one of the ones your DH uses.  My first step would be to sign up to Credit Karma, which will show you your own financial commitments and any joint ones e.g. mortgage.    

uss_tish

@RebekahR I would suggest you write down a set of questions you want to ask him. Some other suggestions of things you need to discuss with him are:

Ask him to set up separate pension provision for you assuming you don't have or have had a pension yourself. 

What does his workplace/private pension provide for you and the children if he passes away? 

Does he have a will and who are the beneficiaries? 

Is your home in joint names?

You should also check your own State pension prediction based on your national insurance contributions.
https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

good luck and well done for making your hubby sit down and discuss it with you. It's not too late to make sure you and the children will be financially secure should you divorce or become widowed.

jackieblack

I don’t think it is necessarily financial abuse, there’s not enough information to determine that and the OP has not said that they’re being kept short of money, just that they receive a certain amount regularly and top ups if needed.  It could be that OP’s husband is old fashioned and thinks that it’s the job of the husband to take care of family finances, especially if they’re the sole earner - this was how my parents' generation were and this arrangement was ‘the norm’.  Could it also be a cultural thing? (A culture where the husband is expected to be ‘the head of the family’ and take responsibility for household finances.)

My ex-husband was utterly uninterested in financial matters and left everything to me - he thought he was doing me a favour as I was ‘better with money’ - I transferred him an amount every month, according to whatever we could afford as there wasn’t much ‘spare’ in the early years of our marriage.  If I ever tried to discuss finances with him, his response was to just do whatever I thought was best as ‘you know about these things, I don’t’ (🤦🏻‍♀️).  It did put alot of pressure on me and, eventually, this attitude (lack of support) did contribute to our growing apart and ultimately divorcing after over 25 years together.

The OP’s husband’s reluctance to discuss the matter is a red flag, however, and I agree that the OP should persist in trying to get him to open up and share more information. At least to get an answer to his reluctance - we’ve had many threads on this forum over the years about one partner hiding debt, for example… 

Flugelhorn

 jackieblack said:

The OP’s husband’s reluctance to discuss the matter is a red flag, however, and I agree that the OP should persist in trying to get him to open up and share more information. At least to get an answer to his reluctance - we’ve had many threads on this forum over the years about one partner hiding debt, for example… 

I too would be concerned about hidden debt