Husband deals with all the finances

RebekahR

uss_tish said:

@RebekahR I would suggest you write down a set of questions you want to ask him. Some other suggestions of things you need to discuss with him are:

Ask him to set up separate pension provision for you assuming you don't have or have had a pension yourself. 

What does his workplace/private pension provide for you and the children if he passes away? 

Does he have a will and who are the beneficiaries? 

Is your home in joint names?

You should also check your own State pension prediction based on your national insurance contributions.
https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

good luck and well done for making your hubby sit down and discuss it with you. It's not too late to make sure you and the children will be financially secure should you divorce or become widowed.

I don't have a private pension but i've checked and on track to get the basic pesion.

I don't know about his work place pension tbh but I suspect it would come to me.

No will

The house is in his name and I signed something when we moved in (unmarried) that I would move out if we couldn't pay or something. Tbh I can't remember what it was and I didn't understand it. We are married now so I suspect this has changed but again not something I understand!

We don't sit and discuss it as he just says you'll be alright. He has something through work that will apparently pay for the mortgage if he dies. So he sees nothing wrong and just keeps saying you'll be alright. He won't even discuss it all.

RebekahR

jackieblack said:

I don’t think it is necessarily financial abuse, there’s not enough information to determine that and the OP has not said that they’re being kept short of money, just that they receive a certain amount regularly and top ups if needed.  It could be that OP’s husband is old fashioned and thinks that it’s the job of the husband to take care of family finances, especially if they’re the sole earner - this was how my parents' generation were and this arrangement was ‘the norm’.  Could it also be a cultural thing? (A culture where the husband is expected to be ‘the head of the family’ and take responsibility for household finances.)

My ex-husband was utterly uninterested in financial matters and left everything to me - he thought he was doing me a favour as I was ‘better with money’ - I transferred him an amount every month, according to whatever we could afford as there wasn’t much ‘spare’ in the early years of our marriage.  If I ever tried to discuss finances with him, his response was to just do whatever I thought was best as ‘you know about these things, I don’t’ (🤦🏻‍♀️).  It did put alot of pressure on me and, eventually, this attitude (lack of support) did contribute to our growing apart and ultimately divorcing after over 25 years together.

The OP’s husband’s reluctance to discuss the matter is a red flag, however, and I agree that the OP should persist in trying to get him to open up and share more information. At least to get an answer to his reluctance - we’ve had many threads on this forum over the years about one partner hiding debt, for example… 

Bang on the money. It's an old fashioned style relationship! I think his main reason for not discussing it is just down to pure laziness tbh. It's a hassle and he cba! Definitely not a debt problem. He has a lot in his bank account (Seen from statements left lying around) and he has a savings. He is from a well off family so has no clue what it's like to ever have to worry about money. I am from a poor family so know all too well what it is like! I think he does think that as his mother has loads and that he has loads i'll be fine. Which in the end is true BUT it's living on nothing before I get to access it that's the problem. It can take up to 18 months for probate. So somehow I need to survive that amount of time on nothing...

RebekahR

RAS said:

RebekahR said:

msb1234 said:

Your husband is financially abusing you. Set a time when you will have mo distractions - send the kids to grandmas or a friend, sit down with the TV off and have a laptop / ipad at the ready then tell him to log on to your bank accounts and show you. As a bare minimum n you should have a joint account for all the household spending and you should have full access to this account. 

I have been campaigning for a joint account for years but he won't have any of it. He does leave his bank statements lying around but that would be really bad of me to look at those to see what outgoings are.

Read them. Even better, take a quick picture, so you can peruse at your leisure. That'll give you a clue who your suppliers are, any related accounts and roughly how much income and expenditure is going through the accounts each month.

How are things like remortgaging dealt with? Are you a joint owners or tenants in common?

Mortgage no idea. And the house is in his name only.

RebekahR

Emmia said:

In the event that he pops it, is there life insurance in place that would pay off the mortgage/give you money to live on for a bit?

Has he insured your life? With a payout intended to cover childcare costs? 

If I were you, I'd find a job (to give yourself a bit of financial independence) and send your wages straight into a savings account. 

Are you worried that he's not paying the bills at all? Or that he's in financial difficulties?

He has life insurance through work he told me ages ago. Not sure how I go about taking it out though. No insurance on me but we don't use childcare as both are in school. Haven't used childcare since nursery and even then he payed for it not me.

I have no worries over the overall financial situation. I've seen his statements - as I said above

RebekahR

Pollycat said:

RebekahR said:

msb1234 said:

Your husband is financially abusing you. Set a time when you will have mo distractions - send the kids to grandmas or a friend, sit down with the TV off and have a laptop / ipad at the ready then tell him to log on to your bank accounts and show you. As a bare minimum you should have a joint account for all the household spending and you should have full access to this account. 

I have been campaigning for a joint account for years but he won't have any of it. He does leave his bank statements lying around but that would be really bad of me to look at those to see what outgoings are.

Why do you feel it would be bad of you to look at bank statements?
Isn't knowledge of income & outgoings what you want?

Well it's his private affairs. His statements not mine. But yes I will look now and start making a list!

RebekahR

Pennylane said:

My gut feeling is he has hidden debts.  

Every couple deal with their financial affairs differently. In my case, I am a lot older than you but my husband has always dealt with the money side of things because he is better at it than me.  Others do it together, it’s whatever works for you. We had a joint account but I always had my own account too.  

Alongside trying to find out what’s going on, I wonder if you could find some work yourself and start building up a “running away account”.  I never knew such a thing existed but very recently I met up with two old girlfriends and they both said they have always had these secret accounts.  

Yes a running away account makes a lot of sense I will continue this!!

RebekahR

thegreenone said:

We have The Book of Knowledge.  It was called The Book of Doom!  It's a folder that states every company we have an account with, every bank/account no, insurances, cars, NI numbers, pensions, Wills, solicitor etc etc.

I do all our house finances and my husband does his co.  He wouldn't have much of a clue if I popped off so this is to help him and also our sons, when we both go.

Perhaps you could suggest to your husband that he puts something like this together.  Gauge his reaction and add "no passwords required, just basic facts".  If he's very anti I would say there's debt there but he needs to sort that out.

I totally agree about you having a pension.  I didn't realise when I first stopped working (to help my elderly Mum) that I could pay into a pension without earning, which had been the case.   Create an account with Government Gateway and check your State Pension situation.  You can add missed years if necessary.

Let's hope he's just 'old fashioned' and nothing to hide.

Edited:  we have a paper copy in the desk and a spreadsheet in a cloud.

The book of doom lol - Brilliant! I shall ask and we'll see his reaction ...

RebekahR

Emmia said:

RebekahR said:

SandyShores said:

I second Spendless that you should consider earning some of your own money so that you can have some independence - you can keep your skills uptodate too.  Most online banking is very similar but you could try an account switch and become familiar with another one - maybe one of the ones your DH uses.  My first step would be to sign up to Credit Karma, which will show you your own financial commitments and any joint ones e.g. mortgage.    

We have nothing that is joint at all. He wants to keep all his money separate. It's alwys been this way in over 20 years. Would my account being with the same bank as his have positives should he die and I need access to his account? Would it be quicker/easier?

If he dies, all his accounts would be frozen by the bank, you won't be able to access them automatically.

And that's what terrifies me. I would have nothing and for god knows how long ...

TBagpuss

RebekahR said:

uss_tish said:

@RebekahR I would suggest you write down a set of questions you want to ask him. Some other suggestions of things you need to discuss with him are:

Ask him to set up separate pension provision for you assuming you don't have or have had a pension yourself. 

What does his workplace/private pension provide for you and the children if he passes away? 

Does he have a will and who are the beneficiaries? 

Is your home in joint names?

You should also check your own State pension prediction based on your national insurance contributions.
https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

good luck and well done for making your hubby sit down and discuss it with you. It's not too late to make sure you and the children will be financially secure should you divorce or become widowed.

I don't have a private pension but i've checked and on track to get the basic pesion.

I don't know about his work place pension tbh but I suspect it would come to me.

No will

The house is in his name and I signed something when we moved in (unmarried) that I would move out if we couldn't pay or something. Tbh I can't remember what it was and I didn't understand it. We are married now so I suspect this has changed but again not something I understand!

This was *probably* for the lener, basically to say that if they repossessed the house becaue he failed to pay, that you accept that you would have to leave as well. It wouldn't affect your rights to the property if you divorced or if he died

We don't sit and discuss it as he just says you'll be alright. He has something through work that will apparently pay for the mortgage if he dies. So he sees nothing wrong and just keeps saying you'll be alright. He won't even discuss it all.

See above.

I think that you do need to try to sit down with him and be very clear =- maybe "This isn't about whether or not I would be alright if you died, it's about the fact that we are a couple but you are not prepared to share basic information about our shared finances and family home with me.

Moving forward, it's important to me that you agree to be more open, I would like us to have a joint account which all of our regular bills are paid from, for the house  to be put into our joint names, and for us to agree that we are both more open about our personal finances. I don't object to us having separate accounts as well as a joint one, but I would like us to start having our incomes paid into the joint account, and for us to work out a budget together, to include things likes payments into joint savings for holidays, into pensions for us both, and money for each of us for personal spending so we each have some independent means to buy stuff for ourselves. 

You refusing to be open makes me feel that you don't trust me or that you don't see me as your equal, as someone who is able to understand and have a say in things that affect both of us. And if anything did happen to you, I don't want to have to suddenly learn all of this, I need to know now, so if anything happened to either of us the other could carry on.".

I agree that if he isn't willing even to discuss it, there is a big red flag. It's possible that he has debts which he is hiding, or that there is something else he doesn't want you to know - whether that is that he is earning more than he's said and has much more disposable income that the 'pocket money' he gives you, or that even if he is not in debt, he is spending money in ways he knows or thinks you would not be happy with, whether that's gambling, another woman, p0rn it's also possible that he is doing this as a form of control, which can be a type of domestic abuse. I think a lot depends on how he responds when you make clear that this is not something that you re willing to ignore any more.

If he genuinely things it is 'his job' or that he is 'looking after' you then you may need to focus on the fact that you appreciate him wanting to do that but causing you to be under constant stress because you don't know what is going on is not helpful or supportive. 

This is as much about communication as anything else. IF he isn't hiding something and isn't trying to control you, then he shouldn't have any issue with showing you bank statements, bills etc. If he won't, then that's a problem. 

You could suggest that the two of you go to RELATE to try to talk about this and to improve your communication and enable both of you to get a better understanding about why you feel as you do. Again, if he won't talk to you and won't agree to discuss things with anyone else then those are red flags about the relationship 

millie

Age UK have a book you can get for free called a life book, It will be the same idea as the book of doom. On the cover it says An easy to use and safe method of recording the practical details of your life. Hopefully this link will work.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/end-of-life-planning/lifebook/