Husband deals with all the finances

Username03725

RebekahR said:

I just dont feel like it should be my money. I've not earned it. And he clearly views it also as not my money to keep it separate. I will think more seriously about a POA though as that is a damn good point. Is that all I need in the event of accident/capacity loss or is there any thing else?

Oh my word.

You married this guy, you’ve bought a house and had his children and are selling bits n bobs on eBay to scrape by because he deems that the less than sixty quid a week he gives you (not even a tenner a day!!!) is enough, and you don’t think you’re entitled to a share of his money? You’re married to him. If you weren’t, you’d hopefully be working and enjoying your own income.

He's a bully as far as I can see, casually dismissing your questions and refusing to involve you. Please see that you’re worth more than this sort of treatment. 

Go through his statements, and insist that if nothing else he gives you a reason for his refusal to engage, but mainly stand up for yourself. You’ve given up a lot be married to him and to produce his children. You have an absolute right to fair treatment. 

Running Away Fund? Every woman in my family - grandmothers, mother, sisters and their daughters too now - have a running away fund. It’s absolutely normal. My wife has one. I stick a bit in for her occasionally but she still hasn’t gone yet*.

* best joke ever, saw it on Twitter the other week. 🙃

Spendless

RebekahR said:

NlghtOwl said:

RebekahR said:

RAS said:

Does he have a will? For that matter, do you? Who are the executors?

This matters as some banks will release quite large sums to the executor or next of kin, although it should not then be used for family living costs.

Trying to understand the extent of the problem, here.

If he was hurt in a car crash and unconscious, would you know who to contact re the car insurance, any health/mortgage protection insurance? And it anything then happened in the house, do you know who to contact re house insurance, repairs etc? 

Neither of us have a will. I have nothing to leave. No money and no real possessions. So your saying if there is a will the bank will give the next of kin some of the funds? Why on earth can't you use it for living on. Bit daft. Or i'm just dumb ...!

No idea on car insurance, no health insurance. Mortgage protection i've never heard of. Again no idea who the house insurance is with. Repairs I guess is a local builder/plumber etc etc.

“You’ve no possessions or money” That’s the point I’m afraid you’re missing, you are married so half of his money is yours. If he has money then so do you. You need access to the money generally and in the event of him dying or having an accident and losing capacity.  Without this info it would be an admin and emotional nightmare and could prevent you looking after him if something were to happen.

I don’t want this to come across as having a go at you but to point out these important issues to anyone else reading these threads. Good luck 

I just dont feel like it should be my money. I've not earned it. And he clearly views it also as not my money to keep it separate. I will think more seriously about a POA though as that is a damn good point. Is that all I need in the event of accident/capacity loss or is there any thing else?

RebekahR said:

NlghtOwl said:

RebekahR said:

RAS said:

Does he have a will? For that matter, do you? Who are the executors?

This matters as some banks will release quite large sums to the executor or next of kin, although it should not then be used for family living costs.

Trying to understand the extent of the problem, here.

If he was hurt in a car crash and unconscious, would you know who to contact re the car insurance, any health/mortgage protection insurance? And it anything then happened in the house, do you know who to contact re house insurance, repairs etc? 

Neither of us have a will. I have nothing to leave. No money and no real possessions. So your saying if there is a will the bank will give the next of kin some of the funds? Why on earth can't you use it for living on. Bit daft. Or i'm just dumb ...!

No idea on car insurance, no health insurance. Mortgage protection i've never heard of. Again no idea who the house insurance is with. Repairs I guess is a local builder/plumber etc etc.

“You’ve no possessions or money” That’s the point I’m afraid you’re missing, you are married so half of his money is yours. If he has money then so do you. You need access to the money generally and in the event of him dying or having an accident and losing capacity.  Without this info it would be an admin and emotional nightmare and could prevent you looking after him if something were to happen.

I don’t want this to come across as having a go at you but to point out these important issues to anyone else reading these threads. Good luck 

I just dont feel like it should be my money. I've not earned it. And he clearly views it also as not my money to keep it separate. I will think more seriously about a POA though as that is a damn good point. Is that all I need in the event of accident/capacity loss or is there any thing else?

For a start you're married. That means money/property/pensions etc is a matrimonial asset. In the even if a split, the starting point for all this would be 50/50 it doesn't matter who has paid for it or whose name it is in, which fetches me to the next point.

A contribution is not always financial. You have children together. You have been and still are the main care provider. Without you, your husband would have to find childcare from somewhere, possibly having to pay for it.

HampshireH

MikeJXE said:

A very sad state of affairs 

You couldn't make it up, or could you 

If what you are saying is true it's almost unbelievable but I guess possible

Your not a wife, a partner or anything to do with a loving relationship 

I guess your a slave

If you have tried talking to him and that don't work  I would change my tactics if I was you. get some paracetamol but don't take them unless you need them. Leave them lying about and complain of severe headaches caused by the stress of not knowing how to deal with anything if he came to harm. 

Severe headaches and a change of bedroom exercise might change his mind 

Comments like this are really unhelpful, and out of line.

OP I don't understand how you get £250 a month and save £250 a month but still get the shopping, clothes etc. This doesn't make any sense to me.

You haven't mentioned him checking up on what you buy etc. And he doesn't seem to be interested if you can save it and him not notice/have an issue.

If you need more he gives if you asked for £500 a month do you think he would just adjust it?

I think you should probably get a job. For your own emotional well-being. It will get you out, meeting people and give you more confidence/empower you with new found independence. There is a lot to be said for working and it's not just about the money.

What business are you starting up? What's your forecast for this in terms of returns and timescales to be earning a profit. This costs money, is he funding your start up? 

Your mindset of you haven't earnt anything needs to shift. You are married and that gives you rights. Your husband knows this.

Your contribution has been raising kids, keeping house and ENABLING him to work and create the career path he has. If you didn't do those things he would have had to do it or at least some of it.

Pollycat

RebekahR said:

NlghtOwl said:

RebekahR said:

RAS said:

Does he have a will? For that matter, do you? Who are the executors?

This matters as some banks will release quite large sums to the executor or next of kin, although it should not then be used for family living costs.

Trying to understand the extent of the problem, here.

If he was hurt in a car crash and unconscious, would you know who to contact re the car insurance, any health/mortgage protection insurance? And it anything then happened in the house, do you know who to contact re house insurance, repairs etc? 

Neither of us have a will. I have nothing to leave. No money and no real possessions. So your saying if there is a will the bank will give the next of kin some of the funds? Why on earth can't you use it for living on. Bit daft. Or i'm just dumb ...!

No idea on car insurance, no health insurance. Mortgage protection i've never heard of. Again no idea who the house insurance is with. Repairs I guess is a local builder/plumber etc etc.

“You’ve no possessions or money” That’s the point I’m afraid you’re missing, you are married so half of his money is yours. If he has money then so do you. You need access to the money generally and in the event of him dying or having an accident and losing capacity.  Without this info it would be an admin and emotional nightmare and could prevent you looking after him if something were to happen.

I don’t want this to come across as having a go at you but to point out these important issues to anyone else reading these threads. Good luck 

I just dont feel like it should be my money. I've not earned it. And he clearly views it also as not my money to keep it separate. I will think more seriously about a POA though as that is a damn good point. Is that all I need in the event of accident/capacity loss or is there any thing else?

Is this your viewpoint or something he's drilled into you over time?

Emmia

Username03725 said:

RebekahR said:

I just dont feel like it should be my money. I've not earned it. And he clearly views it also as not my money to keep it separate. I will think more seriously about a POA though as that is a damn good point. Is that all I need in the event of accident/capacity loss or is there any thing else?

Oh my word.

You married this guy, you’ve bought a house and had his children and are selling bits n bobs on eBay to scrape by because he deems that the less than sixty quid a week he gives you (not even a tenner a day!!!) is enough, and you don’t think you’re entitled to a share of his money? You’re married to him. If you weren’t, you’d hopefully be working and enjoying your own income.

He's a bully as far as I can see, casually dismissing your questions and refusing to involve you. Please see that you’re worth more than this sort of treatment. 

Go through his statements, and insist that if nothing else he gives you a reason for his refusal to engage, but mainly stand up for yourself. You’ve given up a lot be married to him and to produce his children. You have an absolute right to fair treatment. 

Running Away Fund? Every woman in my family - grandmothers, mother, sisters and their daughters too now - have a running away fund. It’s absolutely normal. My wife has one. I stick a bit in for her occasionally but she still hasn’t gone yet*.

* best joke ever, saw it on Twitter the other week. 🙃

I would be a bit careful about "standing up to him". Whilst legally the home etc is a matrimonial asset, it is not in the OPs name - if hubby threw her out (which would be wrong) does the OP have money to pay for a hotel for several nights, or somewhere (friends /family) she could go? She can also only (as it stands) access the money in the event of a divorce - so for that reason I'd be working out what he has.

This is why she needs a good amount in the running away fund and/or a job.

nom_de_plume

There's a hell of a lot of reading between the lines and speculating going on here, some of which is quite possibly / probably way off the mark. 
My take is that Rebekah is actually quite happy generally with her current situation but has some real worries about future events that (hopefully) may not happen.
Rebekah, has something happened that is prompting your concerns over your husband's future health and wellbeing?

Mojisola

As your home is only in his name, to preserve your rights you can register a matrimonial interest -

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

This means he won't be able to sell or remortgage without solicitors/mortgage companies being aware that you have rights to the property.

thegreenone

You've been bombarded with information/thoughts.  Just one more from me: 

If your husband is saying his Mum will help you out with money perhaps you could counter with:

"how can she do that when you do all her finances and she does nothing online?". 

"if your Mum does give me money, surely this will be as Gifts and could affect IHT?". 

"if Mum needs care, giving me money could be seen as deprivation of assets and also whoever is helping her then may not allow it".  

"My sister may not be in a position to give me money".

RebekahR

HampshireH said:

MikeJXE said:

A very sad state of affairs 

You couldn't make it up, or could you 

If what you are saying is true it's almost unbelievable but I guess possible

Your not a wife, a partner or anything to do with a loving relationship 

I guess your a slave

If you have tried talking to him and that don't work  I would change my tactics if I was you. get some paracetamol but don't take them unless you need them. Leave them lying about and complain of severe headaches caused by the stress of not knowing how to deal with anything if he came to harm. 

Severe headaches and a change of bedroom exercise might change his mind 

Comments like this are really unhelpful, and out of line.

OP I don't understand how you get £250 a month and save £250 a month but still get the shopping, clothes etc. This doesn't make any sense to me.

You haven't mentioned him checking up on what you buy etc. And he doesn't seem to be interested if you can save it and him not notice/have an issue.

If you need more he gives if you asked for £500 a month do you think he would just adjust it?

I think you should probably get a job. For your own emotional well-being. It will get you out, meeting people and give you more confidence/empower you with new found independence. There is a lot to be said for working and it's not just about the money.

What business are you starting up? What's your forecast for this in terms of returns and timescales to be earning a profit. This costs money, is he funding your start up? 

Your mindset of you haven't earnt anything needs to shift. You are married and that gives you rights. Your husband knows this.

Your contribution has been raising kids, keeping house and ENABLING him to work and create the career path he has. If you didn't do those things he would have had to do it or at least some of it.

I get £250 a month consistently and a top up when ever I run out of money. So around £1k every 2-3 months. Out of that 1k comes the food clothes additional stuff. He doesn't mind what I spend it on and doesn't check up on me. He sometimes complains if it goes too quickly but this is usually around Christmas/Birthday's. He doesn't know I am saving or notice and probably wouldn't care either tbh! So yes if I need more money he will provide it.

I agree on the job front And I have funded the business out of my own money from ebay etc sales.

I come from an abusive background so I still have the mindset of not being worth it tbh. It's ok to say it needs to shift but much easier said than done. Thanks for the reminders though! :-)

RebekahR

Pollycat said:

RebekahR said:

NlghtOwl said:

RebekahR said:

RAS said:

Does he have a will? For that matter, do you? Who are the executors?

This matters as some banks will release quite large sums to the executor or next of kin, although it should not then be used for family living costs.

Trying to understand the extent of the problem, here.

If he was hurt in a car crash and unconscious, would you know who to contact re the car insurance, any health/mortgage protection insurance? And it anything then happened in the house, do you know who to contact re house insurance, repairs etc? 

Neither of us have a will. I have nothing to leave. No money and no real possessions. So your saying if there is a will the bank will give the next of kin some of the funds? Why on earth can't you use it for living on. Bit daft. Or i'm just dumb ...!

No idea on car insurance, no health insurance. Mortgage protection i've never heard of. Again no idea who the house insurance is with. Repairs I guess is a local builder/plumber etc etc.

“You’ve no possessions or money” That’s the point I’m afraid you’re missing, you are married so half of his money is yours. If he has money then so do you. You need access to the money generally and in the event of him dying or having an accident and losing capacity.  Without this info it would be an admin and emotional nightmare and could prevent you looking after him if something were to happen.

I don’t want this to come across as having a go at you but to point out these important issues to anyone else reading these threads. Good luck 

I just dont feel like it should be my money. I've not earned it. And he clearly views it also as not my money to keep it separate. I will think more seriously about a POA though as that is a damn good point. Is that all I need in the event of accident/capacity loss or is there any thing else?

Is this your viewpoint or something he's drilled into you over time?

Mine. I don't feel worthy due to my past abuse. It's my issues. I just feel like a no one and have since a kid.