Husband deals with all the finances

RAS

RebekahR said:

msb1234 said:

Your husband is financially abusing you. Set a time when you will have mo distractions - send the kids to grandmas or a friend, sit down with the TV off and have a laptop / ipad at the ready then tell him to log on to your bank accounts and show you. As a bare minimum n you should have a joint account for all the household spending and you should have full access to this account. 

I have been campaigning for a joint account for years but he won't have any of it. He does leave his bank statements lying around but that would be really bad of me to look at those to see what outgoings are.

Read them. Even better, take a quick picture, so you can peruse at your leisure. That'll give you a clue who your suppliers are, any related accounts and roughly how much income and expenditure is going through the accounts each month.

How are things like remortgaging dealt with? Are you a joint owners or tenants in common?

Emmia

In the event that he pops it, is there life insurance in place that would pay off the mortgage/give you money to live on for a bit?

Has he insured your life? With a payout intended to cover childcare costs? 

If I were you, I'd find a job (to give yourself a bit of financial independence) and send your wages straight into a savings account. 

Are you worried that he's not paying the bills at all? Or that he's in financial difficulties?

powerspowers

My dad did this to my mum, he was hiding £50k of debt. Now he’s remarried and retired and mums still working full time and renting in her 60s. 

You are married so everything is joint. It’s fine to delegate it to one person to sort but open and honest discussion of finances is so important. 

Pollycat

RebekahR said:

msb1234 said:

Your husband is financially abusing you. Set a time when you will have mo distractions - send the kids to grandmas or a friend, sit down with the TV off and have a laptop / ipad at the ready then tell him to log on to your bank accounts and show you. As a bare minimum you should have a joint account for all the household spending and you should have full access to this account. 

I have been campaigning for a joint account for years but he won't have any of it. He does leave his bank statements lying around but that would be really bad of me to look at those to see what outgoings are.

Why do you feel it would be bad of you to look at bank statements?
Isn't knowledge of income & outgoings what you want?

Pennylane

My gut feeling is he has hidden debts.  

Every couple deal with their financial affairs differently. In my case, I am a lot older than you but my husband has always dealt with the money side of things because he is better at it than me.  Others do it together, it’s whatever works for you. We had a joint account but I always had my own account too.  

Alongside trying to find out what’s going on, I wonder if you could find some work yourself and start building up a “running away account”.  I never knew such a thing existed but very recently I met up with two old girlfriends and they both said they have always had these secret accounts.  

thegreenone

We have The Book of Knowledge.  It was called The Book of Doom!  It's a folder that states every company we have an account with, every bank/account no, insurances, cars, NI numbers, pensions, Wills, solicitor etc etc.

I do all our house finances and my husband does his co.  He wouldn't have much of a clue if I popped off so this is to help him and also our sons, when we both go.

Perhaps you could suggest to your husband that he puts something like this together.  Gauge his reaction and add "no passwords required, just basic facts".  If he's very anti I would say there's debt there but he needs to sort that out.

I totally agree about you having a pension.  I didn't realise when I first stopped working (to help my elderly Mum) that I could pay into a pension without earning, which had been the case.   Create an account with Government Gateway and check your State Pension situation.  You can add missed years if necessary.

Let's hope he's just 'old fashioned' and nothing to hide.

Edited:  we have a paper copy in the desk and a spreadsheet in a cloud.

bunnygo

read the statements and tell him frankly that he needs to grow up and recognise that he will die. Hopefully not for many years but any of us could drop tomorrow.

as the sole earner he MUST take out life insurance. And with young kids you need it too, if you drop tomorrow he won't be able to work as he will need to do childcare.

even if there is nothing else going on (and like others I am wondering) you both need to plan for your dependants. And for what happens even when they are independent.

good luck.

RebekahR

Spendless said:

I agree this is financial abuse. Are you in a position to work eg are the kids school age, that would at least give you some money of your own over and above what your husband gives you. 

Yes they are. I am trying to start up a business and I make a small amount selling junk on ebay. Whatever I make I want to put into savings in case he pops it and I need it.

RebekahR

SandyShores said:

I second Spendless that you should consider earning some of your own money so that you can have some independence - you can keep your skills uptodate too.  Most online banking is very similar but you could try an account switch and become familiar with another one - maybe one of the ones your DH uses.  My first step would be to sign up to Credit Karma, which will show you your own financial commitments and any joint ones e.g. mortgage.    

We have nothing that is joint at all. He wants to keep all his money separate. It's alwys been this way in over 20 years. Would my account being with the same bank as his have positives should he die and I need access to his account? Would it be quicker/easier?

Emmia

RebekahR said:

SandyShores said:

I second Spendless that you should consider earning some of your own money so that you can have some independence - you can keep your skills uptodate too.  Most online banking is very similar but you could try an account switch and become familiar with another one - maybe one of the ones your DH uses.  My first step would be to sign up to Credit Karma, which will show you your own financial commitments and any joint ones e.g. mortgage.    

We have nothing that is joint at all. He wants to keep all his money separate. It's alwys been this way in over 20 years. Would my account being with the same bank as his have positives should he die and I need access to his account? Would it be quicker/easier?

If he dies, all his accounts would be frozen by the bank, you won't be able to access them automatically.