Any way I can convince my principled wife to stop giving away £500 a month?

Sea_Shell

Deleted_User said:

Emmia said:

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

But I don't think the OP has sought legal advice on their options. It is possible that he would be awarded custody, rather than the mother...  and/or depending on the age of the children they may choose not to live with her.

The restrictions placed by her religion on activity, cooking, seeing family/friends etc. affect them too.

We were close to divorce not too long ago, but even then would have seen us live together for the sake of the kids. I've worked hard for this house and no way I'm giving it up or half of it away. 

She might leave/divorce you!!  

[Deleted User]

Sea_Shell said:

Deleted_User said:

Emmia said:

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

But I don't think the OP has sought legal advice on their options. It is possible that he would be awarded custody, rather than the mother...  and/or depending on the age of the children they may choose not to live with her.

The restrictions placed by her religion on activity, cooking, seeing family/friends etc. affect them too.

We were close to divorce not too long ago, but even then would have seen us live together for the sake of the kids. I've worked hard for this house and no way I'm giving it up or half of it away. 

She might leave/divorce you!!  

Fortunately, her "principled" and religious attitude also extends to being totally against divorce! One benefit I guess. 

Emmia

Deleted_User said:

Emmia said:

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

But I don't think the OP has sought legal advice on their options. It is possible that he would be awarded custody, rather than the mother...  and/or depending on the age of the children they may choose not to live with her.

The restrictions placed by her religion on activity, cooking, seeing family/friends etc. affect them too.

We were close to divorce not too long ago, but even then would have seen us live together for the sake of the kids. I've worked hard for this house and no way I'm giving it up or half of it away. 

Then you're in a bind.

Given she's emptied her savings, and is dipping into those of the children - how long before she empties your savings and forces you to remortgage - drip feeding that money to the church/cult, until you're both bankrupt / or at the point where the house must be sold?

What will you do then?

Edit: is the house solely in your name?

sevenhills

Deleted_User said:

We were close to divorce not too long ago, but even then would have seen us live together for the sake of the kids. I've worked hard for this house and no way I'm giving it up or half of it away. 

So you are now at the stage where you are not working together, but you just look after number one?
Not an easy thing when your partner is gripped by a cult.

Elisheba

Deleted_User said:

silvercar said:

Is the religion aware? Most genuine religions would assist families in difficulty. Maybe they don’t know your circumstances. Could you speak to them directly?

Absolutely not. The !!!!!! storm that would bring.... With this tithe, it's something she'll do regardless. Whether it's to the church of a random person on the street. 

I haven't read the whole post, and really don't feel qualified to comment on some significant marriage issues.

However - two thoughts.  Tithing is 10% - at £300 a month is she sending your tithe as well?  Perhaps you could convince her to only tithe her income?

In terms of financial budgeting, which you have mentioned your wife struggles with - could you watch You Tube videos together?  Is so then Under the Median is a good budgeting You Tube channel, and I know they are practicing Christians, and although they haven't talked about it much they do tithe as one of their sons mentioned it when talking about saving for a car.  So that might fit with your wife's principles and also help the situation.

redpete

>>>
I spend pretty much all of my allowance on improving the house. My son has a lung condition and the rotten wooden windows were causing mould, so I spent both of my bonus payments on replacing the windows.
<<<
It's ridiculous that spending on necessary house improvements comes out of your 'allowance' rather than the joint funds to which you both contribute for bills.  Food spending should also come from this joint 'bills' fund.
Her tithing should come from her discretionary spend, not taking from money that would otherwise be yours or jointly held (or indeed from savings put aside for your children!).
Sounds like you need to do your joint budgeting again and reassess how much you both need to contribute to the joint funds, including a monthly estimate against house maintenance and other necessary one-off expenditure.  

[Deleted User]

redpete said:

>>>
I spend pretty much all of my allowance on improving the house. My son has a lung condition and the rotten wooden windows were causing mould, so I spent both of my bonus payments on replacing the windows.
<<<
It's ridiculous that spending on necessary house improvements comes out of your 'allowance' rather than the joint funds to which you both contribute for bills.  Food spending should also come from this joint 'bills' fund.
Her tithing should come from her discretionary spend, not taking from money that would otherwise be yours or jointly held (or indeed from savings put aside for your children!).
Sounds like you need to do your joint budgeting again and reassess how much you both need to contribute to the joint funds, including a monthly estimate against house maintenance and other necessary one-off expenditure.  

Most things are budgeted for, even our allowance. I spend my money on a PlayStation, new TV etc. However, it's the Times when unexpected things come up or we need to save for something major. For example, the roof needs looking at ASAP. 

Let's say that cost £500, she can't give even half because that will leave her with near £0 for the rest of the month. Instead, she would suggest saving £50 for the next 5 months to pay her half. This is why I end up paying for everything major. 

littlegreenparrot

You need a savings account for a rainy day fund.

You both contribute to it and it is understood that it is left untouched for such urgent household emergencies as the roof, the boiler, smashed window, broken fridge, whatever.  

It won't be an immediate fix but if you set one up and each start contributing to it every month you start to build up that buffer. 

Its a big gap if you don't have that in your budget already, Sods law applies - if it can go wrong, it will.....

Emmia

littlegreenparrot said:

You need a savings account for a rainy day fund.

You both contribute to it and it is understood that it is left untouched for such urgent household emergencies as the roof, the boiler, smashed window, broken fridge, whatever.  

It won't be an immediate fix but if you set one up and each start contributing to it every month you start to build up that buffer. 

Its a big gap if you don't have that in your budget already, Sods law applies - if it can go wrong, it will.....

The wife empties (has emptied) joint savings, this approach isn't a solution, since based on this thread and the last one, she will ignore the "understanding" and dip into these savings. 

Pollycat

Emmia said:

littlegreenparrot said:

You need a savings account for a rainy day fund.

You both contribute to it and it is understood that it is left untouched for such urgent household emergencies as the roof, the boiler, smashed window, broken fridge, whatever.  

It won't be an immediate fix but if you set one up and each start contributing to it every month you start to build up that buffer. 

Its a big gap if you don't have that in your budget already, Sods law applies - if it can go wrong, it will.....

The wife empties (has emptied) joint savings, this approach isn't a solution, since based on this thread and the last one, she will ignore the "understanding" and dip into these savings. 

Not only joint accounts but the children's too - which just goes to show how determined she is to continue with her spending and 'gifting'.