Any way I can convince my principled wife to stop giving away £500 a month?

[Deleted User]

To answer some of the questions. 

Divorce isn't an option for now. As crap as our relationship is at the moment, it just doesn't make sense and there is a slim chance of it recovering.

She attends virtual services and I have no idea what the money goes towards. 

I've taken control of our savings now. I always managed the stocks and shares ISA but will now handle the cash savings. Children's accounts will remain with her but I'll keep an eye on it.

Next year our nursery fees will go down by more than the amount she gives away. I've told her that the extra money we have will be going towards the house and child. 

Rhapsody22

Deleted_User said:

I live with her, know her more than anyone so don't think there is a way but need a place to vent.

Context

We pay a mortgage and live with our two children. Despite having good salaries and living somewhat below our means, money can get a little tight if we're not careful. Nursery fees and other cost for our ADHD and possibly autistic son are the main expenses outside of the mortgage. 

The bills are split so both of us have the exact same disposable income each month. We put all our bills together (including some individual bills that differ like mobile phone and travel cost), deduct that from our combined income and split it 50/50. 

In theory, this means we can pretty much do what we want with that money. I can spend it going out etc. as the bills are covered. 

The problems 

I spend pretty much all of my allowance on improving the house. My son has a lung condition and the rotten wooden windows were causing mould, so I spent both of my bonus payments on replacing the windows. His speech therapy, ADHD treatment, reading books etc. all come from my allowance. My wife doesn't contribute as she gives the vast majority of her money away. First is to a church (I would say more a cult) in America where over £300 a month is given. She then gives a further £200 to her mum. Sounds nice, but her mum lives in a council flat with 3 of her other adult children who all work. 

A couple months ago, I couldn't afford the £80 for the private speech therapy. Asked my wife to delay giving her mum and church the money and I'll pay her back, but she refused and went in to her typically long rant about her church and not straying from it. 

I've been patient as the money she has at the end is hers to do what she wants and if I want her to contribute to speech therapy etc., I should factor it better in the bills. However, the amount she gives to charity and her mum are fixed amounts that don't change. Mum is the standard £200 and the church is always 10%.

So each month she has like £150 to spend and quickly burns through that. She then goes into the savings which doesn't get topped back up. I've recently discovered that the £100 a month she was supposed to be transferring into a savings account had stopped for like a year. She runs out of money and simply goes into savings. Now she stopped adding to the savings without telling me. 

She also spends recklessly on food. Buys the most expensive choice, buying things we already have and she doesn't bother check before going shopping. We having a separate account for our shopping budget which we should be able to stick to, but she burns through it and resorts back to taking from the savings (children's saving now as the other is gone). 

It's just getting frustrating as the house feels like it's falling apart with a leaky roof, a bathroom that needs ripping out etc. This is on top of a son who needs urgent intervention to have any chance of a normal life. I'm trying my best, but I can only do one thing at a time. 

Sorry is she giving the church £300 or £100? I'm confused as to why she is paying tithe to a church in American if you live in the UK.
In the other thread it says she spends all of Sunday cooking.  Is she ok? is she coping? I wonder who will do this if she doesnt?  Is she getting the help that she needs to manage meals and the home if you are both working?  Does she have depression of some sort or maybe has ADHD too?  it can be really difficult for people with ADHD to plan and to manage money.

£150 is not a lot to spend monthly.  No wonder she is burning through it and she may not have told you that she is no longer paying into savings because of what your reaction might be...you don't seem to have much good to say about her.  I wonder what her perspective is in all this...

HampshireH

Rhapsody22 said:

Deleted_User said:

I live with her, know her more than anyone so don't think there is a way but need a place to vent

£150 is not a lot to spend monthly.  No wonder she is burning through it and she may not have told you that she is no longer paying into savings because of what your reaction might be...you don't seem to have much good to say about her.  I wonder what her perspective is in all this...

That's £150 after she has given away £500 (£300 to church and £200 to her mum)

I would suggest £650 a month is more than reasonable disposal income. It's her choice to reduce this to £150

Emmia

Deleted_User said:

To answer some of the questions. 

Divorce isn't an option for now. As crap as our relationship is at the moment, it just doesn't make sense and there is a slim chance of it recovering.

She attends virtual services and I have no idea what the money goes towards. 

I've taken control of our savings now. I always managed the stocks and shares ISA but will now handle the cash savings. Children's accounts will remain with her but I'll keep an eye on it.

Next year our nursery fees will go down by more than the amount she gives away. I've told her that the extra money we have will be going towards the house and child. 

Honestly, i think you're somewhat kidding yourself,  this indicates your marriage is probably over bar the shouting.

Your wife is very unlikely to change. All you can do is either accept the way she is, including the tithing (and stop being resentful of it), or take yourself out of the situation. 

Pollycat

Deleted_User said:
To answer some of the questions. 

Divorce isn't an option for now. As crap as our relationship is at the moment, it just doesn't make sense and there is a slim chance of it recovering.

She attends virtual services and I have no idea what the money goes towards. 

I've taken control of our savings now. I always managed the stocks and shares ISA but will now handle the cash savings. Children's accounts will remain with her but I'll keep an eye on it.

Next year our nursery fees will go down by more than the amount she gives away. I've told her that the extra money we have will be going towards the house and child. 

Re the bit in bold...
A month ago, you said:

Deleted_User said:

My relationship with my wife has improved quite significantly over the past few months. Still the same issues, and feelings of resentment, when I can't visit family because she refuses to go with me on certain days. However, we are a lot better. Co-parenting with a smile is how I would put it. 

Has the relationship deteriorated again or have you just reassessed based on the replies you've had?

[Deleted User]

Pollycat said:

Deleted_User said:
To answer some of the questions. 

Divorce isn't an option for now. As crap as our relationship is at the moment, it just doesn't make sense and there is a slim chance of it recovering.

She attends virtual services and I have no idea what the money goes towards. 

I've taken control of our savings now. I always managed the stocks and shares ISA but will now handle the cash savings. Children's accounts will remain with her but I'll keep an eye on it.

Next year our nursery fees will go down by more than the amount she gives away. I've told her that the extra money we have will be going towards the house and child. 

Re the bit in bold...
A month ago, you said:

Deleted_User said:

My relationship with my wife has improved quite significantly over the past few months. Still the same issues, and feelings of resentment, when I can't visit family because she refuses to go with me on certain days. However, we are a lot better. Co-parenting with a smile is how I would put it. 

Has the relationship deteriorated again or have you just reassessed based on the replies you've had?

Down again! This time my Teams chat popped up with a message from another woman. Nothing incriminating, not even a heart emoji, but when I JOKINGLY said "don't worry babe, I'm not sleeping around" as she scrolled through the messages, that was enough to set her off and now we're not speaking again. Mature couple we are. 

london21

Deleted_User said:

Pollycat said:

Deleted_User said:
To answer some of the questions. 

Divorce isn't an option for now. As crap as our relationship is at the moment, it just doesn't make sense and there is a slim chance of it recovering.

She attends virtual services and I have no idea what the money goes towards. 

I've taken control of our savings now. I always managed the stocks and shares ISA but will now handle the cash savings. Children's accounts will remain with her but I'll keep an eye on it.

Next year our nursery fees will go down by more than the amount she gives away. I've told her that the extra money we have will be going towards the house and child. 

Re the bit in bold...
A month ago, you said:

Deleted_User said:

My relationship with my wife has improved quite significantly over the past few months. Still the same issues, and feelings of resentment, when I can't visit family because she refuses to go with me on certain days. However, we are a lot better. Co-parenting with a smile is how I would put it. 

Has the relationship deteriorated again or have you just reassessed based on the replies you've had?

Down again! This time my Teams chat popped up with a message from another woman. Nothing incriminating, not even a heart emoji, but when I JOKINGLY said "don't worry babe, I'm not sleeping around" as she scrolled through the messages, that was enough to set her off and now we're not speaking again. Mature couple we are. 

Does not seem like the relationship is stable.

Trust and communication essential for a successful relationship or marriage. 

Gycraig

what do you get from this relationship ?. She is taking the absolute !!!!!! out of you, imagine me telling my wife I wanted to finance a 500 pound a month car but save for 10 months for a bed for our kid. 

Guarantee if you left her them principles would disappear instantly.

Pollycat

london21 said:

Deleted_User said:

Pollycat said:

Deleted_User said:
To answer some of the questions. 

Divorce isn't an option for now. As crap as our relationship is at the moment, it just doesn't make sense and there is a slim chance of it recovering.

She attends virtual services and I have no idea what the money goes towards. 

I've taken control of our savings now. I always managed the stocks and shares ISA but will now handle the cash savings. Children's accounts will remain with her but I'll keep an eye on it.

Next year our nursery fees will go down by more than the amount she gives away. I've told her that the extra money we have will be going towards the house and child. 

Re the bit in bold...
A month ago, you said:

Deleted_User said:

My relationship with my wife has improved quite significantly over the past few months. Still the same issues, and feelings of resentment, when I can't visit family because she refuses to go with me on certain days. However, we are a lot better. Co-parenting with a smile is how I would put it. 

Has the relationship deteriorated again or have you just reassessed based on the replies you've had?

Down again! This time my Teams chat popped up with a message from another woman. Nothing incriminating, not even a heart emoji, but when I JOKINGLY said "don't worry babe, I'm not sleeping around" as she scrolled through the messages, that was enough to set her off and now we're not speaking again. Mature couple we are. 

Does not seem like the relationship is stable.

Trust and communication essential for a successful relationship or marriage. 

And unfortunately with a child in the middle.

OP
What makes you think there's a slim chance that the relationship may work?

london21

Pollycat said:

london21 said:

Deleted_User said:

Pollycat said:

Deleted_User said:
To answer some of the questions. 

Divorce isn't an option for now. As crap as our relationship is at the moment, it just doesn't make sense and there is a slim chance of it recovering.

She attends virtual services and I have no idea what the money goes towards. 

I've taken control of our savings now. I always managed the stocks and shares ISA but will now handle the cash savings. Children's accounts will remain with her but I'll keep an eye on it.

Next year our nursery fees will go down by more than the amount she gives away. I've told her that the extra money we have will be going towards the house and child. 

Re the bit in bold...
A month ago, you said:

Deleted_User said:

My relationship with my wife has improved quite significantly over the past few months. Still the same issues, and feelings of resentment, when I can't visit family because she refuses to go with me on certain days. However, we are a lot better. Co-parenting with a smile is how I would put it. 

Has the relationship deteriorated again or have you just reassessed based on the replies you've had?

Down again! This time my Teams chat popped up with a message from another woman. Nothing incriminating, not even a heart emoji, but when I JOKINGLY said "don't worry babe, I'm not sleeping around" as she scrolled through the messages, that was enough to set her off and now we're not speaking again. Mature couple we are. 

Does not seem like the relationship is stable.

Trust and communication essential for a successful relationship or marriage. 

And unfortunately with a child in the middle.

OP
What makes you think there's a slim chance that the relationship may work?

The OP seems to think things are getting better. 

Not sure OP loves himself or his so called partner knows how to love. 

We don't really know what is going on, can only go by what OP has posted. Only OP can make the decision on the best way forward for himself and children.