Any way I can convince my principled wife to stop giving away £500 a month?

Pollycat

silvercar said:

Is the religion aware? Most genuine religions would assist families in difficulty. Maybe they don’t know your circumstances. Could you speak to them directly?

Isn't the family in difficulty because of the OP's wife is giving away £6,000 every year?
From what I've read above (exodi's post), it sounds unlikely that the church would give any help, specifically financial.

silvercar

Pollycat said:

silvercar said:

Is the religion aware? Most genuine religions would assist families in difficulty. Maybe they don’t know your circumstances. Could you speak to them directly?

Isn't the family in difficulty because of the OP's wife is giving away £6,000 every year?
From what I've read above (exodi's post), it sounds unlikely that the church would give any help, specifically financial.

That is where I would draw the line between a religion and a cult. A religion would understand money issues and look to support its' members. It would gently suggest to the wife that they can't take money at the moment as it is needed within the home and she should support this and stop giving until her family financial situation has improved. One of the functions of a religious organisation is to support its members. It may well be that the religion is not aware of the family finances because the wife is hiding it. A cult, on the other hand, just wants their money come what may.

Bea63

Think this POST Is more suited to Mumsnet or Gransnet where both male and female post relationship problems..or, maybe this has already been done and didn't like/receive the responses as they can be very HARSH but to the point..Good Luck!

pickledonionspaceraider

Bea63 said:

Think this POST Is more suited to Mumsnet or Gransnet where both male and female post relationship problems..or, maybe this has already been done and didn't like/receive the responses as they can be very HARSH but to the point..Good Luck!

Mumsnet is full of trolls, so this IMO is not a good shout

pickledonionspaceraider

OP it seems like your wife is more interested in looking good in front of other people, than what her own immediate family think of her

I have a parent like this - they are a narcissist 

Pollycat

silvercar said:

Pollycat said:

silvercar said:

Is the religion aware? Most genuine religions would assist families in difficulty. Maybe they don’t know your circumstances. Could you speak to them directly?

Isn't the family in difficulty because of the OP's wife is giving away £6,000 every year?
From what I've read above (exodi's post), it sounds unlikely that the church would give any help, specifically financial.

That is where I would draw the line between a religion and a cult. A religion would understand money issues and look to support its' members. It would gently suggest to the wife that they can't take money at the moment as it is needed within the home and she should support this and stop giving until her family financial situation has improved. One of the functions of a religious organisation is to support its members. It may well be that the religion is not aware of the family finances because the wife is hiding it. A cult, on the other hand, just wants their money come what may.

The OP says in his first post on this thread:

My wife doesn't contribute as she gives the vast majority of her money away. First is to a church (I would say more a cult) in America where over £300 a month is given. 

And in the earlier thread it came out that this religion/cult stipulates:

 she can't do any work on a Saturday, or anything that requires people to work or spend money. This means the only recreation outside of the house is going for a walk or to the park. We can't invite people over or go out to visit.

And

I see friends and family on the weekend, but don't clean up or etc. as that goes against her code directly in front of her.

And

she said we can't do anything on those days. My elderly neighbour knocked me during lockdown asking for me to go out and get some food (something I would usually do, including taking him to appointments etc.). She told me that I had to say no and I did it. Another rule is you can't use the stove. I forgot one time and fried some eggs and we didn't speak for a week. I sat her down and explained that I can't follow these rules anymore and since then, she's been reasonable about me not breaking them in the home (I don't use the stove for example but go out with friends).

The religion is Abrahamic.
I don't know enough about it to say whether the church the OP's wife is giving to just wants money from its followers.
But the fact remains that any financial difficulty is caused by the OP's wife giving away at least £6,000 per year.

SadieO

Wow. So much wrong with all this. Just for starters, regardless of what she does with "her" money (in whatever way you as a couple decide on what is mine/yours), then house and child related expenses should come out of the joint pot. 

As for the religion, you describe her as "principled" but those aren't principles I'd want anything to do with. I feel that any decent religion would prioritise helping people, regardless of something arbitrary like a date or time. Imagine if you had a hungry child and all you had in was eggs - you should let the child starve rather than making them an omelette or going to the shops to get them some food, just because the calendar had clicked on to Saturday? Or your elderly neighbour has an emergency and needs some help, you're just supposed to ignore them? What if you needed to go to A&E - should you not go, as that would make work for the staff there? Baffling.

Abbafan1972

I agree there is nothing “principled” about what the wife is doing at all. 

The OP needs to really grow a pair and stand up to her. 

The part where he fried some eggs by mistake and they didn’t speak for a week. That would suit me fine. 

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

lisyloo

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

Emmia

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

But I don't think the OP has sought legal advice on their options. It is possible that he would be awarded custody, rather than the mother...  and/or depending on the age of the children they may choose not to live with her.

The restrictions placed by her religion on activity, cooking, seeing family/friends etc. affect them too.