Any way I can convince my principled wife to stop giving away £500 a month?

[Deleted User]

I live with her, know her more than anyone so don't think there is a way but need a place to vent.

Context

We pay a mortgage and live with our two children. Despite having good salaries and living somewhat below our means, money can get a little tight if we're not careful. Nursery fees and other cost for our ADHD and possibly autistic son are the main expenses outside of the mortgage. 

The bills are split so both of us have the exact same disposable income each month. We put all our bills together (including some individual bills that differ like mobile phone and travel cost), deduct that from our combined income and split it 50/50. 

In theory, this means we can pretty much do what we want with that money. I can spend it going out etc. as the bills are covered. 

The problems 

I spend pretty much all of my allowance on improving the house. My son has a lung condition and the rotten wooden windows were causing mould, so I spent both of my bonus payments on replacing the windows. His speech therapy, ADHD treatment, reading books etc. all come from my allowance. My wife doesn't contribute as she gives the vast majority of her money away. First is to a church (I would say more a cult) in America where over £300 a month is given. She then gives a further £200 to her mum. Sounds nice, but her mum lives in a council flat with 3 of her other adult children who all work. 

A couple months ago, I couldn't afford the £80 for the private speech therapy. Asked my wife to delay giving her mum and church the money and I'll pay her back, but she refused and went in to her typically long rant about her church and not straying from it. 

I've been patient as the money she has at the end is hers to do what she wants and if I want her to contribute to speech therapy etc., I should factor it better in the bills. However, the amount she gives to charity and her mum are fixed amounts that don't change. Mum is the standard £200 and the church is always 10%.

So each month she has like £150 to spend and quickly burns through that. She then goes into the savings which doesn't get topped back up. I've recently discovered that the £100 a month she was supposed to be transferring into a savings account had stopped for like a year. She runs out of money and simply goes into savings. Now she stopped adding to the savings without telling me. 

She also spends recklessly on food. Buys the most expensive choice, buying things we already have and she doesn't bother check before going shopping. We having a separate account for our shopping budget which we should be able to stick to, but she burns through it and resorts back to taking from the savings (children's saving now as the other is gone). 

It's just getting frustrating as the house feels like it's falling apart with a leaky roof, a bathroom that needs ripping out etc. This is on top of a son who needs urgent intervention to have any chance of a normal life. I'm trying my best, but I can only do one thing at a time. 

lisyloo

I would want the house upkeep to be a shared budget item.
with the speech therapy - assume you’ve exhausted NHS options?
if so then I’d expect the private health costs to be a shared budget item.

Id want a serious conversation about priorities.
your home and child’s health should be priorities, but also recognise your wife has priorities.
id want to sit down and thrash out the shared priorities.
id Also want to understand why she feels the need to help her mother financially.

Sounds easy on paper I know but you need to talk and listen to each other.
if you can’t afford it all then there needs to be some compromise.
e,g. Do you want to move to a smaller house, push for NHS treatment, reduce payments to church, reduce/stop payments to mum

It’s fairly fundamental to a relationship that you can talk, listen and compromise on these issues……………..if you can’t then it’s an unhappy marriage if you stay together.

sorry to be so blunt but seems fairly fundamental to me.

moedeeb

Your situation seems untenable.I suggest you sit down and talk this through step by step. You don’t give much detail on the “church” but it sounds very dodgy and you should really question what the money donated is actually doing? None of this seems a rational approach to the issues you have so first step is to try and understand the why and then deal with the what next.

elsien

Previous discussion to show what has already been suggested.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6361000/is-my-wife-being-unreasonable/p1

lisyloo

OMG just read the other thread.
sorry to be so blunt (actually I’m not sorry just being polite).
you’re being taken for a mug,
man up (not apologising for that).

demand that she contributes to the household and family bills (argue about what they should be and the amount if you like).
I simply do a budget for the calendar year and adjust when necessary.
should the income be split 50/50 if what it’s being spent on isn’t up for discussion?
answer: No.
keep your own incomes but contribute to the joint household costs - including house maintenance and kids.
we have a joint account that we each contribute £x per month into for all joint costs.

start putting your foot down - you have some control over your own income
 (I’m female if it matters).

if you want to stay in the house and with the kids then it’s going to be an unhappy relationship but you need to put your foot down.
if you don’t think that’s manageable and will affect the kids too much then split up.

Pollycat

elsien said:

Previous discussion to show what has already been suggested.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6361000/is-my-wife-being-unreasonable/p1

I'm surprised the state of the house and the £500 pm giveaway wasn't mentioned anywhere in that thread (unless it's happened in the last 5 months).
It seems it's all been said.
She won't change.

I've listened to (read) your rant and sympathise.
But I don't think anyone on here can help.

marycanary

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. I think you don't have a money problem, you have a relationship problem. I strongly suggest you and your wife attend couple counselling in the hope that you can come to an agreement which you can both live with and stick to. 

If your wife will not do that I think you have a very difficult decision; either put up with her behaviour or separate in a way which puts the children's needs at the front of all other considerations.

Good luck

Marvel1

Based on this, taking money from the joint saving, stealing from the chldren's savings and not contributing the family/house, plus the other thread, better off without her.

Emmia

Marvel1 said:

Based on this, taking money from the joint saving, stealing from the chldren's savings and not contributing the family/house, plus the other thread, better off without her.

I completely agree, sorry OP I think you need to seriously consider separation or divorce.

Pollycat

Marvel1 said:

Based on this, taking money from the joint saving, stealing from the chldren's savings and not contributing the family/house, plus the other thread, better off without her.

My opinion too.

Just to remind the OP of what he said 5 months ago:

Deleted_User said:

Day to day, we're not at each others throats, we joke and share the odd laugh. But it's clear now that we're just co-parenting. 

It sounds like things have not got any better, in fact probably worse.

74jax

elsien said:

Previous discussion to show what has already been suggested.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6361000/is-my-wife-being-unreasonable/p1

'its clear we are just co-parenting'.... With you paying for speech therapy and her paying to a church in America, what does that show your children.... Who comes first to your wife?