Any way I can convince my principled wife to stop giving away £500 a month?

Jude57

I don't see depriving a child of the support they need to reach their fullest potential success in life or stealing from children's savings, thus depriving them of future security as parenting. I see it as selfish, blinkered and self-serving. Will this 'church' provide financial, physical and emotional support to these children? Will it spend £500 a month to ensure these children's wellbeing? Or support the wife's mother in her old age and send her £200 a month? If the answer to those questions is, as I strongly suspect, a firm 'no' then it's not something the OP should continue to enable. There's no co-parenting here, just everyone taking a back seat to one person's misguided wishes.

To the OP, it's time to up your own parenting game. By all means try to get your wife to agree, but in any event, split ALL household costs 50/50, including children's support costs but excluding tithes and donations to mother, set up a separate savings account for the children and one for yourself to which your wife has no access, and take control of the food shopping. If she then chooses to continue her donations out of what she has left, at least you and the children aren't paying for her decisions. 

Keep_pedalling

Your wife is not principled at all, she is an idiot for being suckered into giving money to a cult (all these on line American churches are cults) and puts the cult above her children. Unfortunately it is unlikely that you will be able to break this bond to the cult.

qwert_yuiop

Is she a Mormon? Apparently their bishops advise them to pay the church first and think about everything else after that. Apologies in advance to any Mormons if that’s incorrect.

london21

There is a relationship and communication problem here.

Your wife is not been principled but brain washed and selfish.

You need to include all expense in the finance before giving her portion, so if your son therapy is required and not available with NHS then that also gets deducted before she gets her portion because seems lack of priorities when it comes to finances,

Is she attending the US church, strange donating 10% tithe when she lives in the UK.

You both need to seek professional help or counselling because how long can you both continue like this for?

Things are only getting more expensive so will need to sit down and discuss this and find a way forward.

Not sure she is in the relationship, seems to be doing her own thing.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for the reply all. To answer some questions - 

My relationship with my wife has improved quite significantly over the past few months. Still the same issues, and feelings of resentment, when I can't visit family because she refuses to go with me on certain days. However, we are a lot better. Co-parenting with a smile is how I would put it. 

With the speech therapy, it's stopped through the NHS when he went to school, but what was being offered was always very basic and I literally never saw a difference so took up private sessions. Also took well over 2 years and constant chasing to get his ADHD diagnosis, so speed things up by using private when I can afford to do so. 

Today I had a pretty blunt conversation and and went through my bills spreadsheet. I'm sure she doesn't really digest or understand what I am showing her, but because it's been all over the news, she at least appreciates that gas/electric bills have gone as well as food and petrol. I told her I am adding the sessions for our son in the monthly bills, as well as needing her to cut down on are expensive food or take it out of her budget. After she gives her money to the church and mum, that should leave her with around £250. We should be getting an extra £500 or so in January when childcare fees go down. I want to save that for home improvements and paying off the credit card, but she want to use it for general spending.

BIG NO NO! Maybe some of it to ease the current burden, but we need to get our savings up and credit card debt down before our mortgages hikes in 2 years.  

pollypenny

Sorry, it just sounds far-fetched to me. Why would anyone give £300 to a church and £200 to a parent then have to take money from savings. 

lisyloo

pollypenny said:

Sorry, it just sounds far-fetched to me. Why would anyone give £300 to a church and £200 to a parent then have to take money from savings. 

Brain washing by a religion, coercive control/ emotional blackmail type behaviour from a parent seems much more likely than someone making it up to me.

its actually positive for you if you’ve never come across such toxic/manipulative people.

lisyloo

Deleted_User said:

Thanks for the reply all. To answer some questions - 

My relationship with my wife has improved quite significantly over the past few months. Still the same issues, and feelings of resentment, when I can't visit family because she refuses to go with me on certain days. However, we are a lot better. Co-parenting with a smile is how I would put it. 

With the speech therapy, it's stopped through the NHS when he went to school, but what was being offered was always very basic and I literally never saw a difference so took up private sessions. Also took well over 2 years and constant chasing to get his ADHD diagnosis, so speed things up by using private when I can afford to do so. 

Today I had a pretty blunt conversation and and went through my bills spreadsheet. I'm sure she doesn't really digest or understand what I am showing her, but because it's been all over the news, she at least appreciates that gas/electric bills have gone as well as food and petrol. I told her I am adding the sessions for our son in the monthly bills, as well as needing her to cut down on are expensive food or take it out of her budget. After she gives her money to the church and mum, that should leave her with around £250. We should be getting an extra £500 or so in January when childcare fees go down. I want to save that for home improvements and paying off the credit card, but she want to use it for general spending.

BIG NO NO! Maybe some of it to ease the current burden, but we need to get our savings up and credit card debt down before our mortgages hikes in 2 years.  

Well done for getting that far.
you should point out the (high) £ value of your DIY efforts for the home improvements and also the fact that the work is investing in your shared asset not to mention your time.
she really should appreciate that.
a lot of women would appreciate a man who invests in the house and children.

[Deleted User]

pollypenny said:

Sorry, it just sounds far-fetched to me. Why would anyone give £300 to a church and £200 to a parent then have to take money from savings. 

The church bit is called a tithe. With the money to the parent, last year the siblings all banded together to buy the mum a fancy Audi SUV on a finance deal. My wife ran the idea by me which I shut down straight away (I would be surprised if the mum did 500 miles a year in that thing). I think the extra she gives her is a way to cover that.

I mean, I would love to give my mum money each month, but understand I am not in a financial position to do so. 

I've spoken to the wife and we're putting the money back into the children's account and expanded the budget for shopping and petrol so I don't go into my own pocket to fund these when the budget goes low. Will see how things are in a few weeks and whether she dips into savings if she can't fund the £150c she has after giving the other money away. 

Pollycat

Deleted_User said:

Thanks for the reply all. To answer some questions - 

My relationship with my wife has improved quite significantly over the past few months. Still the same issues, and feelings of resentment, when I can't visit family because she refuses to go with me on certain days. However, we are a lot better. Co-parenting with a smile is how I would put it. 

With the speech therapy, it's stopped through the NHS when he went to school, but what was being offered was always very basic and I literally never saw a difference so took up private sessions. Also took well over 2 years and constant chasing to get his ADHD diagnosis, so speed things up by using private when I can afford to do so. 

Today I had a pretty blunt conversation and and went through my bills spreadsheet. I'm sure she doesn't really digest or understand what I am showing her, but because it's been all over the news, she at least appreciates that gas/electric bills have gone as well as food and petrol. I told her I am adding the sessions for our son in the monthly bills, as well as needing her to cut down on are expensive food or take it out of her budget. After she gives her money to the church and mum, that should leave her with around £250. We should be getting an extra £500 or so in January when childcare fees go down. I want to save that for home improvements and paying off the credit card, but she want to use it for general spending.

BIG NO NO! Maybe some of it to ease the current burden, but we need to get our savings up and credit card debt down before our mortgages hikes in 2 years.  

What are her plans to replace your (as a couple) savings.
More importantly, what are her plans to replace the children's savings? I find that the most shocking part of this sorry situation. Shame on her.

She should be contributing to the house renovations as well as to your son's speech therapy.

What is the reason she gives her Mother £2400 every year?

She is running rings around you and will no doubt continue to do so.