Any way I can convince my principled wife to stop giving away £500 a month?

Abbafan1972

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

No need to lecture me - I’m not the OP. 

I realise the implications. 

ETA:- the above poster is now on ignore 

Ath_Wat

Abbafan1972 said:

The part where he fried some eggs by mistake and they didn’t speak for a week. That would suit me fine. 

The last time I fried eggs they never spoke again; glad to know these ones recovered.

lisyloo

Emmia said:

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

But I don't think the OP has sought legal advice on their options. It is possible that he would be awarded custody, rather than the mother...  and/or depending on the age of the children they may choose not to live with her.

The restrictions placed by her religion on activity, cooking, seeing family/friends etc. affect them too.

Yes, they could get legal advice.
I may have missed a few bits from what I'd seen the situation had improved.
If it has got to an impasse then yes that's a good idea.

lisyloo

Abbafan1972 said:

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

No need to lecture me - I’m not the OP. 

I realise the implications. 

ETA:- the above poster is now on ignore 

Not a great idea not to listen to contrary opinions (that what I come for but then I consider myself open minded to alternate views).

But great for someone to admit they aren't listening to others.
I had actually agreed with Abbafan1972 that the system was unfair but it had to be considered.

Abbafan1972

nothing from the OP yet? 

[Deleted User]

Sea_Shell said:

Deleted_User said:

pollypenny said:

Sorry, it just sounds far-fetched to me. Why would anyone give £300 to a church and £200 to a parent then have to take money from savings. 

The church bit is called a tithe. With the money to the parent, last year the siblings all banded together to buy the mum a fancy Audi SUV on a finance deal. My wife ran the idea by me which I shut down straight away (I would be surprised if the mum did 500 miles a year in that thing). I think the extra she gives her is a way to cover that.

I mean, I would love to give my mum money each month, but understand I am not in a financial position to do so. 

I've spoken to the wife and we're putting the money back into the children's account and expanded the budget for shopping and petrol so I don't go into my own pocket to fund these when the budget goes low. Will see how things are in a few weeks and whether she dips into savings if she can't fund the £150c she has after giving the other money away. 

Is your wife trying to "keep up with the Jones'" as far as her siblings are concerned?

Why does she feel she needs to contribute?

I just think she feel she needs to give her mum money out of principle. I said no to the car thing and this is just a way round it I feel. Typically, she doesn't follow the trends of her family at all. It's a nice gesture, but only if you can afford it. 

[Deleted User]

silvercar said:

Is the religion aware? Most genuine religions would assist families in difficulty. Maybe they don’t know your circumstances. Could you speak to them directly?

Absolutely not. The !!!!!! storm that would bring.... With this tithe, it's something she'll do regardless. Whether it's to the church of a random person on the street. 

[Deleted User]

Emmia said:

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

But I don't think the OP has sought legal advice on their options. It is possible that he would be awarded custody, rather than the mother...  and/or depending on the age of the children they may choose not to live with her.

The restrictions placed by her religion on activity, cooking, seeing family/friends etc. affect them too.

We were close to divorce not too long ago, but even then would have seen us live together for the sake of the kids. I've worked hard for this house and no way I'm giving it up or half of it away. 

Abbafan1972

Deleted_User said:

silvercar said:

Is the religion aware? Most genuine religions would assist families in difficulty. Maybe they don’t know your circumstances. Could you speak to them directly?

Absolutely not. The !!!!!! storm that would bring.... With this tithe, it's something she'll do regardless. Whether it's to the church of a random person on the street. 

Judging by those videos on utube that have already been posted, the response that the church would give, is that the answer would be to give more money. 

Pollycat

Deleted_User said:

Emmia said:

lisyloo said:

Abbafan1972 said:

I can’t believe the OP is still with this person. 

Then you still haven't taken fully on board what we agreed earlier.

The consequences that the OP has to consider is that he may get reduced access to the children.
Worst than that the mother may feed them a bunch of lies so he never sees them again (I have a colleague in this situation who doesn't see some of his children or grandchildren and may never see them).
Best case he needs to deal with all the childcare and bills himself which would be difficult.

Childless couple then I'd agree 100%, if you can't resolve fundamental issues then split up, unfortunately it's not so easy when there are children and a "toxic" mother.

But I don't think the OP has sought legal advice on their options. It is possible that he would be awarded custody, rather than the mother...  and/or depending on the age of the children they may choose not to live with her.

The restrictions placed by her religion on activity, cooking, seeing family/friends etc. affect them too.

We were close to divorce not too long ago, but even then would have seen us live together for the sake of the kids. I've worked hard for this house and no way I'm giving it up or half of it away. 

Then you have no choice but to put up with the financial situation she has placed/is placing you in.