Feels like im going under!

Bored

It sounds like you are still in denial in all honesty. You can't make any changes to your lifestyle because your wife will divorce you and your children will be traumatized if you take away Sky TV... This is not a sustainable situation and there is no easy way out of it that protects your families' current standard of living. The entire household will need to make sacrifices.

NiteEyez1980

Hi guys 

It's really interesting. 

Not sure if some of this is tough love, harsh truth, vindictiveness, none or a combo.

Anyone who thinks it's !!!!!! easy to get a new job, suddenly easy to change kids environments or unaware of marital pressures/differing perspectives is to me either harsh or nieve??

If it was as easy as saying:

"kids  forget the sky" and "Mrs. X get a new job, stop fretting and get a grip"

Then none of us would be in debt, or have marital issues/stress.

Can we humanise it abit here everyone.

I'm not doubting the advice and I appreciate it, however if it was that easy would any of us have been in debt or like me be asking for help? 

TheAble

Could you update the SOA to show the respective interest rates on each of your debts? It would be interesting for context.

enthusiasticsaver

None of this is easy and yes it will be difficult initially to start making the adjustments you need to in order to get out of this hole but you literally have no spare money to offer any of the creditors so I cannot see any way forward but to default.  You are so far away from bailiffs though (it involves court action and very few unsecured lenders take that route) as long as you pay the secured creditors with the mortgage and secured loan being a priority. There is nothing to stop you writing to them telling them you cannot afford to pay but do not offer anything at this stage.  At some point your debts may be sold on but you really need to default initially.  That then starts the clock on your credit record being trashed which is unavoidable. 

Take a deep breath though and think about priorities. A roof over your head, food and essential bills.  I agree with others that eventually a change in lifestyle is needed or a higher income whether through a second job, your wife getting a higher paid one or reducing travel costs. None of us are saying it is easy but we are saying it is essential to you sorting your finances out.  I hope you manage to at least make a few changes initially to improve your situation. 

elsien

No one is being vindictive, they’re really not.
And of course it’s not easy to get another job or “side hustle” as someone said. I’d be the world’s worst at being self-employed. 

But. And there is a but.

Regardless of the family tensions, you and your wife have to work out how you can address this together. Which needs both of you fully on board. No it’s not that simple but it’s something you have to aim for. 

Getting another job isn’t easy, but it’s probably a little easier now she’s employed and got some work history behind her again. People are saying to keep looking, and making suggest for where to look. It might take a few months. It might take longer. It’s just a step along the way, like everything else is. No magic wands. But planning steps along the way.

If your wife can look at the pages which explain the difference between debt collectors and bailiffs that will help. Debt collectors lie through their teeth and threaten all sorts but they have very little power if you don’t give it to them.

kimwp

NiteEyez1980 said:

Hi guys 

It's really interesting. 

Not sure if some of this is tough love, harsh truth, vindictiveness, none or a combo.

Anyone who thinks it's !!!!!! easy to get a new job, suddenly easy to change kids environments or unaware of marital pressures/differing perspectives is to me either harsh or nieve??

If it was as easy as saying:

"kids  forget the sky" and "Mrs. X get a new job, stop fretting and get a grip"

Then none of us would be in debt, or have marital issues/stress.

Can we humanise it abit here everyone.

I'm not doubting the advice and I appreciate it, however if it was that easy would any of us have been in debt or like me be asking for help? 

NiteEyez1980 said:

Hi guys 

I appreciate all your advice.

Tbh, when I first posted I hadn't done a thorough stocktake which caused the inaccuracy for which I apologise. 

With regards to the TV I appreciate that however they have already had TV in their lives, to remove it would be a shock, so would need to be approached with care. Lockdown has already affected the kids MH already so stability is what they need, though I agree with your point(s) virtually entirely. 

The 54k was an original consolidation as I had an unbelivablea amount of bad luck with vehicles, storm damage, failed side business (set up as a PT just before covid which killed it) 

Straight up, denial and a wife whom hasn't wanted to compromise her lifestyle has seen us live beyond our means. 

I held off doing that proper SOA as I am/was in complete denial. When I clicked 'calculate' and saw it I genuinely nearly vomited!!! 

Not passing the blame however my wife didn't want to wait to do work on our house and compromise lifestyle during this. I 'foolishly' gave in (let's be pregamatic about spousal influence when reading that please) and it has snowballed for years.  I was getting promotions and it was 'on paper' balancing itself out however it snowballed with covid and I foolishly over stretched and its spiralled ever since. 

The cost of living increase, fuel increase, energy increase, ni increase, old job messing up and storm damage that needed essential work turned in the space of a few months what was a great new job and surplus cash into a hole that has consumed me! 

Just being honest! 

None of it is vindictive, but there's probably a bit of feeling that you may be one of the ones (from how you responded early on) that may decide that it's all too difficult and end up spiralling into debt further so everyone's trying in their own way to help you out of the hole - lots of people shouting helpful things can come across as a load of yelling.

No-one is saying these things are easy, they are just saying that's what needs to happen for you to get out of this situation. There wouldn't be any point telling you to do easy stuff that wouldn't help. 

Sea_Shell

kimwp said:

NiteEyez1980 said:

Hi guys 

It's really interesting. 

Not sure if some of this is tough love, harsh truth, vindictiveness, none or a combo.

Anyone who thinks it's !!!!!! easy to get a new job, suddenly easy to change kids environments or unaware of marital pressures/differing perspectives is to me either harsh or nieve??

If it was as easy as saying:

"kids  forget the sky" and "Mrs. X get a new job, stop fretting and get a grip"

Then none of us would be in debt, or have marital issues/stress.

Can we humanise it abit here everyone.

I'm not doubting the advice and I appreciate it, however if it was that easy would any of us have been in debt or like me be asking for help? 

NiteEyez1980 said:

Hi guys 

I appreciate all your advice.

Tbh, when I first posted I hadn't done a thorough stocktake which caused the inaccuracy for which I apologise. 

With regards to the TV I appreciate that however they have already had TV in their lives, to remove it would be a shock, so would need to be approached with care. Lockdown has already affected the kids MH already so stability is what they need, though I agree with your point(s) virtually entirely. 

The 54k was an original consolidation as I had an unbelivablea amount of bad luck with vehicles, storm damage, failed side business (set up as a PT just before covid which killed it) 

Straight up, denial and a wife whom hasn't wanted to compromise her lifestyle has seen us live beyond our means. 

I held off doing that proper SOA as I am/was in complete denial. When I clicked 'calculate' and saw it I genuinely nearly vomited!!! 

Not passing the blame however my wife didn't want to wait to do work on our house and compromise lifestyle during this. I 'foolishly' gave in (let's be pregamatic about spousal influence when reading that please) and it has snowballed for years.  I was getting promotions and it was 'on paper' balancing itself out however it snowballed with covid and I foolishly over stretched and its spiralled ever since. 

The cost of living increase, fuel increase, energy increase, ni increase, old job messing up and storm damage that needed essential work turned in the space of a few months what was a great new job and surplus cash into a hole that has consumed me! 

Just being honest! 

None of it is vindictive, but there's probably a bit of feeling that you may be one of the ones (from how you responded early on) that may decide that it's all too difficult and end up spiralling into debt further so everyone's trying in their own way to help you out of the hole - lots of people shouting helpful things can come across as a load of yelling.

No-one is saying these things are easy, they are just saying that's what needs to happen for you to get out of this situation. There wouldn't be any point telling you to do easy stuff that wouldn't help. 

OP, hard choices DO have to be made.   What's the alternative?    How do you see the situation improving otherwise?

If you don't BOTH (or all inc the older kids) tackle this issue head on, where do you think you'll be in 6 months or a years' time?

Unfortunately, the wider economic picture isn't looking too rosy for anyone, and we are all facing higher costs for almost everything, and we're all likely to be feeling a bit poorer this time next year.

This makes your task even harder, as it's not just about tackling the debt, but being able to afford "normal" stuff going forwards.

Please keep posting.     


On the spending front, as an incentive, post a list of the things you have made a conscious decision NOT to buy or spend on since starting this thread.   Stuff that you otherwise would have done without thinking about it.

What's your first sacrifice, however small?    

EssexHebridean

Elsien & Kimwp have nailed it really. If you feel people are being vindictive in some way, ask yourself why exactly those same people would have spent lots of their own time going through your SOA line by line, doing sums off the back of that, reading your further posts and picking out the further salient points from those, challenging (from experience - either person or simply as a result on having seen it all on these boards over the years!) the various excuses for not taking immediate action - again, excuses that we’ve seen time and time and time again - funny behaviour for people you seem to think of as essentially trolls? No - it’s because over the years these forums have helped a LOT of people in your precise situation - we’ve seen it, in any cases experienced it, we know what works and my goodness yes we know it’s difficult. It’s not as difficult as the results of doing nothing though. 

I said previously in the thread that I do think your light bulb is really fully “on” yet - you’ve not absorbed that you’re at a tipping point. I stand by that - if you’d had that LBM then by now you’d have made steps to cancel DD’s to card payments, sat down with your wife and explained why things needed to change, started a spending diary to track real-world spending, begun to find alternative entertainment for the kids - but above all, you’d actually be feeling LESS stressed and worried than you are right now. That feeling that everything is spiralling out of control would have receded or even disappeared as you WOULD be in control again. 

I’ll make one more suggestion. You set a diary reminder for one months time - and until then you just carry on doing everything as you have been. Then in that month - you see where you stand on the debt situation with a new calculation of the total amount owed - my money is on the fact that you will see at least a £1500 increase in the level - and in fact probably more. If at that stage you feel as though you now want to take control of things and start dealing with them, then this thread - and the people who’ve already tried to help - will be here and waiting for you. 

TL:DR People rarely spend several hours of their own time trying to offer help, support and advice to a complete stranger just to be vindictive. 😉 I wish you luck and hope you find a way forwards that works for you. 

Andyjflet

I would start with the SKY, I dont have any live TV now thats just my personal choice and we dont have any kids that are young anymore, so we watch Netflix or other things we choose, maybe couple of times a week, other than that we cook, chat, work (unfortunately) my other half does her accounts once a week. We go out of course, last week we budgeted £100 for a luxury meal at a local pub. We havent touched credit cards for 5 years and last weekend booked a holiday to Florida for xmas and paid cash. (non credit)

All these things change your life and can be reached once you've started the journey.

Try listening to Dave Ramsey on Podcast or You tube as well as the Meaningful Money podcast. 

NiteEyez1980

Hi guys

To the question on what i/we have cut back on:

Shop at Aldi/lidl
I use soap for washing, and safety razor etc for shaving (no fancy brand stuff)
Do not go to pub
I do IF (for health reasons) so save on breakfast.
No longer those 'costas' each morning at work - use Aldi coffee
I'm also a qualified PT, however my workout are done exclusively at home now, no commercial gym (or any gym) 
Social excursions (stag nights, work do's, trips away with friends have been curtailed/declined)