Feels like im going under!

Grumpelstiltskin

Children are more resilient than you think, as I said explain to the older ones that there are financial problems and things are going to have to change.

It will be a shock but that's life, the sooner they understand there is only a certain amount of money coming in and you can't carry on spending what you don't have then the sooner they will reach adulthood knowing life isn't all a bed of roses.

NiteEyez1980

I have been speaking to my wife about this and she, having watched and read numerous scare stories is convinced. The heavies will be round if we default without notifying the creditor.

I must admit I don't like the idea of just not paying as the calls, red letters and threats will quite frankly drive my wife to a breakdown and me a divorce. 

Realistically if I do as you say, change banks and I then write to my creditors with a proposal of frozen interest and offer of a set % feenoer month (e.g 50%) would this be considered reasonable?

Has anyone actually done that. 

My wife has read on step change of mountains late fees being applied and debt collection agencies being enlisted! 

Grumpelstiltskin

I will repeat do not offer any money to the creditors.

The bailiffs will not be knocking on your door.

If you did offer them 50% where would you get the money from?

You must be realistic and tell your wife to stop reading unsubstantiated scare stories.

kimwp

NiteEyez1980 said:

Hi guys 

I appreciate all your advice.

Tbh, when I first posted I hadn't done a thorough stocktake which caused the inaccuracy for which I apologise. 

With regards to the TV I appreciate that however they have already had TV in their lives, to remove it would be a shock, so would need to be approached with care. Lockdown has already affected the kids MH already so stability is what they need, though I agree with your point(s) virtually entirely. 

The 54k was an original consolidation as I had an unbelivablea amount of bad luck with vehicles, storm damage, failed side business (set up as a PT just before covid which killed it) 

Straight up, denial and a wife whom hasn't wanted to compromise her lifestyle has seen us live beyond our means. 

I held off doing that proper SOA as I am/was in complete denial. When I clicked 'calculate' and saw it I genuinely nearly vomited!!! 

Not passing the blame however my wife didn't want to wait to do work on our house and compromise lifestyle during this. I 'foolishly' gave in (let's be pregamatic about spousal influence when reading that please) and it has snowballed for years.  I was getting promotions and it was 'on paper' balancing itself out however it snowballed with covid and I foolishly over stretched and its spiralled ever since. 

The cost of living increase, fuel increase, energy increase, ni increase, old job messing up and storm damage that needed essential work turned in the space of a few months what was a great new job and surplus cash into a hole that has consumed me! 

Just being honest! 

It sounds like you've turned a bit of a corner with this. You said in your previous post that you didn't understand why there was no money as you don't spend on luxuries but (while you do seem to be overspending in some areas) the fact is that you have a big family. A big family means that resources are stretched across more people and so there will be fewer luxuries. But you can only spend what you have (ideally less so you have a savings cushion!) - if you borrow to overspend, you just pay it later.

The next step is to get your SOA as accurate as you can, decide what do to (I think DMP or IVA, but I'm not an expert in this) and get your family on board with what is happening. And make sure you have loads of (free) fun with your family - make these next steps in your life joyful as well as purposeful.

foxgloves

I think that this is more of a 'Panic stations' than a lightbulb moment tbh. I can see my old self here many years ago, panicking about the state of my endebtedness but not accepting of the lifestyle changes necessary to boot up a viable plan. 
Grocery spend cant be reduced because some of your children eat nearly as much as adults? You could feed 6 adults well & healthily on £600 a month, but it requires thinking about doing things a bit differently. 
Satellite TV is not essential. It really isn't. I grew up in a house with no TV at all until I was 16. And you wouldn't have no TV, you'd have Freeview, as well as all the other non-screen activities kids generally enjoy.
Holiday - Shame that holiday has already been booked because you are carrying too much debt to be booking holidays. I think that is something to treat yourself to when you are living within your means & have got rid of this level of debt.
Budgeting was something I avoided for years - I was in debt from the age of 19 to my mid-40s. I thought budgeting was for tightwads & squares & that it would curtail the stuff I liked doing & buying. My equally endebted partner thought the same. In fact, taking responsibility for our finances by learning to.budget so that we live within our means has been an absolute revelation. A budget is an enabler..It actually facilitates us being able to do what we want to do without having to borrow to do it. 
But there were lifestyle conversations we had to have & the acceptance that unaffordable elements had to go. These included our 2nd car, two holidays per year (replaced by camping until finances stabilised & we were able to save for holidays), weekly takeaways, buying daily work lunches, cable TV package & (in my case) expensive music lessons. 
You can't keep doing everything the same in the hope things will change. They won't, but you have to..That's how it's done.
F

Grumpelstiltskin

To put your wife's mind at rest why don't you ask Stepchange a question here Struggling with debt? Ask a stepchange debt adviser a question - Page 55 — MoneySavingExpert Forum about the likely hood of excess charges being added and bailiffs coming round.

Makingabobor2

Oh my....I'm not sure what to say really. We have been there, done that and got the T shirt and I can assure you that listening to the advice given here is the best way.  If you didn't want advice, then why did you post this thread?    7 years ago when we started on our journey, having had our LBM, we had over £56000 of debt & a huge mortgage.  We had no choice but to cut spending...no holidays for 2 or 3 years ( and now we just book caravans in UK...foreign holidays are out the window for a while),  OH cut out his gym membership, we sold 1 car and OH got a scooter, but has now upgraded to a proper motorbike, we downgraded our TV package, got cheaper mobile tarrifs and started shopping a lot more savvy...Aldi for groceries and lots of batch cooking & meal plans. We don't have young kids, but we do have grandkids and we just can't spend much on them, they get what they get and are grateful for it. We don't buy Christmas presents for adults at all now and certainly don't spend much on Christmas food.  Clothes comes mainly from Ebay, Charity shops or FB selling pages. Its amazing how much free stuff you can find when you look.   Our debt is slowly coming down and we have had some good F&F offers from some of the creditors and are slowly paying some of them off when we can. 

You really need to speak to your wife and explain things properly to her and also the children. I was terrified when we started our journey. I hated not replying to the letters, but now all of our debts are defaulted and managed by other companies and everything is fine.  My best advice would be to listen to what others are telling you on here....they have all been through it and really do know what they are talking about. 
Best of luck

Sea_Shell

Has your wife had a lightbulb moment yet about the reduction in "lifestyle" that has to be tackled?

Have you had a very frank and honest conversation about your situation, including all the figures?

EssexHebridean

Again - I'll say. Stop, take a breath. You've come here for advice, and you're being given some extremely good, reliable and solid advice. You asked what my plan would be when I said stop paying the debts - and I'll reiterate exactly what others have said -that WAS the advice around not paying - just stop paying. If you stop paying, yes they will write to you. They'll probably call you as well - to any calls ALL you need to say it "I am not willing to discuss this with you by any other means than in writing - please put anything you have to say to me by hard copy in the post. Any further contacts by phone will be treated as harassment and reported accordingly" then put the phone down, and block the number. It's unlikely they'll send anyone to the house, but if they do, tell them to go away. They have no more business being in your front garden than someone random from the street. Keep watching your  credit reports - you're looking for accounts to be marked "defaulted" - that's a good thing when it happens - as it means the interest stops accruing, and THAT is when you can actually start making inroads on clearing debts. Better still, in 6 years from a default, that debt drops off your file, never to be seen again. 

If you call your creditors and suggest what you can pay, then they will almost certainly mark your file with an arrangement to pay - and those are a problem. They will also almost certainly want you to pay more than you offer. The most significant point though is - tell us how much your SOA (which right now remember is still missing some realistic costs)  suggests you can AFFORD to pay to your unsecured creditors each month?  

On the question of the TV I'll say again - we are NOT talking about you getting rid of the TVs - just reducing the channels available. If you went to a freeview option that is still more than 70 channels - that still seems like quite a lot, no? Then there are things like YouTube that can also be watched either via a tablet or laptop (I bet you have those in the house) on a smart TV, or even for a small initial spend via a device like a chromecast. Your family will be put in a FAR better place by you being willing to work to get the household finances on an even keel than they will be having more TV channels than you can dream of - most of which probably never even get watched!  If you think the children - particularly the older ones - aren't aware of your worries at the moment - you're kidding yourself - it's amazing how much children pick up and that sort of stress can in itself have a longer term impact on them too. There are masses of people here who can give you great hints and tips on how to broach the subject of tight finances with children without scaring them further. 

As for your wife - I'd personally say that you convincing yourself that "really it's mostly her fault because she made you spend the money" is probably not doing you any favours. Ultimately I presume you consider your finances to be joint, so you need to accept joint responsibility - unless of course you're saying that she went out and spent money willy nilly without any consultation with you? (and no - I don't think you are saying that).  So just as you ran up the debts together, you need to work together now to deal with the situation.  As a starting point I'd run past her the figures I gave you earlier - the approximation of were you will be at in 12 months and 2 years, if you do nothing now...

We can't MAKE you do anything - you have to want to. All we can do is to give you as many facts as possible to hopefully put you on the right path - but again, in the end you're the only one who can start to walk the path. 

Ps - read @Makingabobor2's post above - particularly that final paragraph. Now THAT is talking from experience. 

Makingabobor2

More common sense advice from @EssexHebridean.  Just to add, we did exactly the same as @EssexHebridean when the letters and phone calls started arriving. Once we had written to each creditor with a standard letter telling them we would not answer their phone calls and explaining the situation, everything was fine. It just takes a while,  but it REALLY will get easier.