Moving on with things

alt80

@daisy_1571 ha very funny! Ikwyacf tbf. I just want to give her the best and can’t. The fact that I can’t 100% trips me off. She has had enough of not being able to buy anything off her list, pent up demand ha. In absolute terms we are both responsible for the mortgage but we both see it as my debt because it is my responsibility to get it paid off and see her well when I’m gone. 

We hold no separate personal bank accounts. Never have from since we got engaged. Not something I want going forwards either, seems to be a massive source of arguments amongst my staff splitting finances with their partners.

RelievedSheff

We don't have separate bank accounts. All of our money goes into one pot and everything gets paid for out of that. What is leftover is "fun" spends.

I do think though that for your wife it might well be a good idea to let her have her own account with her "fun" money in it. Top it up every month with her share and it's then hers to do what she wants with it. Gives her some form of responsibility for her own spending. I would make sure there is no overdraft facility on it as well so she can only spend what is there to be spent. 

Lonelygambler

Regarding the EV situation: Telsa have a fantastic PCP offer on a model Y. 

daisy_1571

Aw thanks for taking it in the spirit intended alt.  


For what its worth:
We have main money in joint, it pays for all bills etc however we have always each had a 'pocket money' account which is funded by a standing order each month.   Yes, when you are an adult most of your money goes on all the boring stuff that keeps us fed, clothed and housed but I feel everyone deserves their own mad money for a magazine or stuff you want but don't really need.  Sometimes that's only been a fiver a month back when mortgages were 15% so thats all we could afford, but its nice to be able to buy your partner a birthday or xmas present without them seeing the bill come through the account before the day and spoil the surprise. 

I hear what you are saying that some folk argue about split accounting, that just means their current arrangement isn't working for them as a couple,  not that the arrangement itself definitely won't work for anyone at all.  Equally though, it doesn't sound like your current arrangement is completely friction free either.  Maybe its time to try something new.  As per releivedsheff an account with no overdraft sounds sensible.   No point setting someone up to fail

There's no one right system throughout all of life, things change and it can be good to at least try other things at different stages of life.

Dxx

ladyholly

Your wife has done well over the time you have been paying off debts and I think you said she has had counselling. Is she still having it because from what you are saying she is starting to think that she should have everything she wants. I think you do to but that is not a sustainable way to live. I know you think you keep having to pay for your past but the past has gone and you cannot spend the rest of your life paying for it. You are a couple and should be thinking of working together and looking forward not backwards constantly.

Sorry its a bit preachy but I am seeing worrying signs in her demands.

Sarahwithlove

It worries me that you are both still in the mindset that it's your responsibility to provide for her and that because she only gets some of what she wants not all of it and has to wait like any other grown up you are some how not good enough. Most people would kill to not have to work and have 1k spare money a month to spend on what they want. Also what does this say to your son? We're not in the 1950s anymore. 

crunchy_time

daisy_1571 said:

Must be lovely for her to live mortgage free in her half of the house with Lovely Things that the Present Pixie brings her.  I'm always glad the Present Pixie is just like Santa and there's no charge for the Lovely Things.  

Such a shame you have a big mortgage on your half, Alt.  Maybe listen to her more?  She has Lovely Things, doesn't pay for them and hasn't a mortgage,  she must have a few ideas what we are all doing wrong with our money each month.

Sorry, just felt a bit sarky there!  Your relationship, you love her, not my place to comment (even though I did!).  Keep doing what you are doing alt with the monthly funds but send £1000 over to her bank account each month.  Do what you want with your £1000, save it, invest it, overpay it, leave it in business.  Thats for you to decide.  She doesn't get to comment.  Shes a grown-up so flipping well treat her as such.  Ask her to please act her age -  if she wants to spend hers, save it, help overpay the mortgage, whatever, its hers but its £1000, no more, and it can only be spent once. And of course, you don't get to comment on what she does with it.  She's not some daft wee lassie who somehow thinks £2grand can do all the things she's trying to make out you should manage to do

Daisy xx

I 100% agree with this. Your wife is delusional. 

A £14k necklace and expecting you to pay off the mortgage? It’s just mind blowing.

Me and my husband earn a similar amount per month to you (£8k) but with two kids and no school fees or expensive cars or massive mortgage. 

I have been following you for many years and and I know from what you have said she has done a lot of work on herself but I’m sorry, this does not represent change in mindset for her. 

She wants it all and the cost is your mental health trying to provide it for her.  I’m sorry if that’s harsh but it’s what it looks like from the outside. 

Agree with Daisy - give her the £1k for her to do whatever with and you do whatever with yours.

i really struggle listening to you talk about how you just want to make sure she is alright when you are not here anymore when this attitude of hers goes against this beautiful gesture.

its so entitled I can’t bear it. a £14k necklace but your husband has to sacrifice your financial future for it?

You sound absolutely amazing now compared to where you were a few years ago. Everyone is proud. Stay strong.

sorry if that all sounds harsh but it all sounds a bit weird to little old me.

Crunchy xx

alt80

Not a lot to update here, fighting the same battles ha.

@RelievedSheff / @daisy_1571 Iswyacf and understand your suggestions / reasoning but it doesn't seem right to me tbf I'm possibly just trying to avoid really thinking too much about it. I'm not in a great place mental health wise rn, one day to the next is enough.

@Lonelygambler thanks mate, the cars are bought/ leased through my business rather than PCP. They do periodically have some fantastic deals on Teslas; have to say I really dislike them though, so not sure any deal could be good enough ha.

@ladyholly she had just over six months of therapy and felt that was enough. She's done really well and I'm proud of her. She does still want the nice things for herself, I'm pleased she hasn't developed a similar mindset to me and can still have things to look forward to.

@Sarahwithlove I accept the responsibility and ultimately I cannot get to a mindset of feeling worthy of her. It is what it is. Of course I don't want !!!!!! all self worth to feature in my son's life. I doubt he's in danger of a 1950s marriage, he sees his mum as much more a role model than he does me.

@crunchy_time No need to answer but I am curious what you spend your money on or is it all invested? 

Thank you, I am determined to not fall off the path but my wife is not the problem, I am. She loves jewellery, clothes and having a lifestyle. These past couple of years she's been really patient and stood by me through some really !!!!!! dark times, still does. I owe her the world, I know that.

crunchy_time

More than happy to answer as I have my own diary on here:

This is roughly made up of £6400 from husband and £1600 from me - both full-time.  My role is only just a little bit higher than minimum wage.  We only got to this in July this year so before husbands payrise we were on about £7k combined.

£1464 - Mortgage on a 3 bed detached in rural Suffolk.
£1060 - Bills/ all family sports and subs/phone/contact lenses/insurances etc
£400 S&S ISAs
£50 children ISAS
£487 - children costs - pocket money/childcare/music lessons/clothes etc
£600 - Our spending money (£300 each and we have the same regardless of the differences in salary) clothes etc.
£200 - Joint family entertainment - when we go out as a family - not much eating out but parking and cinema etc
£50 - 0% card that we could pay off with our savings but its easier to just have this.
£700 food - shop at Aldi mainly
£300 fuel
Then sinking funds of:
£150 - household repairs
£150 - Car services 
£700 - Holidays - we love holidays
£75 - Christmas and birthdays

So at the moment roughly £1400 spare.  This money is new to us so we are currently adjusting to it.  We have a few more things to do in the garden that will involve money so when we have done those we will tweak our budget.  Probably up the ISAs to another £100 each (combined at the moment they are £10k) Up the household and car services pot by £50 a month each and then shove the rest into an emergency fund that isn't quite the £15k I want it to be to relax.  

No car payments and drive a 9 and 10 year old car.  9 year old we have had since new.  10 year old will need replacing next year so planning on buying a 2-3 year old with a budget of no more than £400 a month for an SUV.

My dream is to up my holiday budget to £1000 a month and take lots of trips throughout the year.  I set this as my goal a few years ago and I have made it happen by keeping the other things low (and my husband is blooming good at his job).

Husband gets a bonus every year with work.  Last year it was about £4k.  Whatever he gets this year will be whacked into a savings fund to go towards upgrading our garden office, when we have the money.

We do want to pay down the mortgage but not at the expense of our other dreams so that will prob be a slower pace but than by 53 but definitely before 60!!

Our salaries before tax are £143,000 combined and like I said, around £8k a month.  

Sorry for all the detail about me in your own diary but I think it is useful for you to see that there are people earning similarly to you (ok albeit without our own business to take money out from) that aren't living the same lifestyle as you.  We don't want all the luxury things - not interested - but it is time together, sports and holidays that are our Rich Life as Ramit Sethi says in his book - I will teach you to be rich - which I think you would like.  

I also feel very grateful to have this money and don't want to waste it on anything stupid.  I feel like I have to be resourceful with it as it is a gift and a privilege and I have wanted to be here for a long time.

Keep on, keeping on!

Crunch xx

alt80

@crunchy_time thank you for taking the time to respond. I have not read the Ramit Sethi book but I did listen to him talk on a podcast a while back; he has a lot of ideas I disagree with iirc he is the guy who places little value on home/ property ownership and is, like you, very travel / holiday orientated. 

It is interesting how others perceive purchases whether things or experiences. I find your “don’t want to waste it on anything stupid” comment one which could instigate debate as to what type of purchases are stupid or otherwise - we’d all have a very different take on this, I’m sure. There are things I would not spend so heavily on if I were you and I’m sure you have similar thoughts about my SOA / budget which I posted on here. You are doing what is right for you and that is all that matters.

Fwiw, I don’t want to deny my wife the things she would like to buy and in the case of the limited run Cartier, she would be likely to be able to wear it for life and see the money back likely with a decent return should she wish. I would give her the world if I could, nothing I want more for her to have everything she wants in life. I used to want it for myself, only reason I don’t anymore is I don’t see a future in which I will want to live personally, so why bother. That isn’t me saying I’m going to leave my family without me, they don’t want that so I am trying to see my family right instead and provide the best I can for them. That is a lifetime job 100%. I am frustrated with myself rather than my little family.