Moving on with things

Baileys_Babe

I can relate to your wife's feelings. My OH often isn't engaged with me and the family due to a collection of health issues. Given when it happens, how frequently it happens that hour or day, what needs engaging with, how I am feeling in myself..... My reaction can range from c'est la vie to frustration and anger. At times it can lead to me feeling very isolated. I know he doesn't do it to cause problems but that doesn't it from stop from doing so. Most of the time he doesn't consciously not engage and it is his bodies way of trying to cope with his health issues, but it still makes it difficult.

I'm not saying you need to be constantly engaged with all that is happening around you either we all need time to process and have space for our own thoughts.

daisy_1571

for a while we had enough money to just buy whatever we wanted and had a great time.  Now we don't and EVERYTHING is so expensive it would make us think twice even if we had money.  However, I too miss those days.  Only natural im sure.  (I'm not complaining as I'm totally aware I have everything I need and more so dont get me wrong I know I'm very fortunate and made good choices along the way).  But I understand that feeling alt

Part of being a grown up I think

Daisy xx

alt80

Yesterday turned out ok and had an ok night’s sleep. I didn’t expect that when I started this journey to work towards getting away from the reliance I had on credit that I would be so close to having no credit card balances and be more worried about money than I was then. It’s for different reasons; back then I didn’t really think about my family and their future when I am no longer with them. I can’t say that I much cared 4-5 years ago, tbh I don’t understand how I have been so lucky to keep my family, I still wonder when my wife will wake up and leave me. I suppose that I will always owe her financially and by relieving her of housework for her choosing to support me. 

@Cherryfudge thank you, I hadn’t seen time away from that perspective before. 

@RelievedSheff thank you, I am definitely doing better with the sleep than I was. It’s somewhat up and down but overall it is better than it was.

@ladyholly thanks, I took a decision to overhaul my life and start afresh with help professionally because I needed to rather than really wanting to at the time. I don’t know if the guilt for how I was will ever end. Something I miss about the past was I did have some good times and I didn’t think of myself as being unworthy of the love that my wife and son have given and continue to give to me.

@Baileys_Babe sorry to hear your husband struggles with his health. Something I have learned is your health both mental and physical affects everything else. My wife sees me looking after the house as not engaging when I do it to make life better for her and to escape the thoughts I have that 100% start when I am not doing anything. I grew up with my mum telling both my sister and I that the devil makes work of idle hands, especially mine. She knew even when I was a kid that I was bad news and definitely no good without a job to do. 

@daisy_1571 I agree that everything seems incredibly expensive these days. Can’t say I have ever thought I had enough to buy everything I or my family wanted, that has always been the problem for me- the more I earned the more I wanted and the more I needed to earn. Now I accept that I cannot go after chasing more money until my head is in a better space.

mark55man

for me earn/spend was highly dependent on the kids - when they were all primary we did a lot of nice Europe holidays and they were fab, and then 2007/8 GFC happened so managed to keep it all together but had to rein that right in.  Looking back I wish I had spent the holiday money when they were older so it would create more mature memories - I don't feel guilty, or even remorseful, but a little sad at lost opportunities maybe.  I think guilt is destructive, but sadness less so. As you and your family age together there will be lots of fun/fab things that money can buy alongside the ones that it can't. 

Now I find that although I am earning a good wage I find my pleasure comes from putting it away for later so I can retire early and still leave something behind to look after OH and the kids.  I think that would be good for you, once you got all the basics (life insurance and will related stuff) sorted just create an investment plan that will take 50-70% of your new surplus and get started.  Don't put 100% of CC money into that you need a little extra to spend now to improve life.  Also temperamentally good long term investing is  about getting rich slowly and safely and compounding not about getting lucky - I think that will be something you can do now, but may have been difficult earlier.  

alt80

Managed to have another long weekend away (very last minute). Tbh it hasn’t been budgeted for and it means this month I’ll only be clearing iro £500 off the balance. The last time I spent money that was not budgeted for I was still using. Going to deal with the actual figures tomorrow / Wednesday. Although we had a great time, now I’m home, I am not sure how I feel about it, dreading it opening the floodgates as it was my idea and tbh the first reckless spend I’ve made in a very long time. I don’t even regret it rn either.

@mark55man ikwyacf, re sadness / guilt; the pros have been trying to help me to deal with the guilt and tbh shame that I have. Not to any great effect, either. I wasn’t good to my family in years past, looked after my staff and tenants and tbh resented my own little family. Put those who directly or indirectly make me money over my own family - that is what I really hate myself for. I know the drugs !!!!!! supercharged how I was but I can’t entirely blame that. These days I’ve turned into my mum lol - work and clean and do !!!!!! all else. No wonder my son thinks !!!!!! that when he sees my wife enjoys having a life of her own interests and entertaining him.

As for the holidays you enjoyed with your family, any chance of maybe taking some of the kids away now? My in-laws take their children and grandchildren to centre parcs every year; it is a bit predictable but we have a nice time and so do my wife’s siblings’ families from what I know. The in-laws get a lot of joy out of it. We are also taking my parents to Croatia this year after spending a week in Greece with them. They can’t wait and won’t stop talking about it.

Idk what I will do with the surplus; it’ll either never see my bank account and be invested into the SSAS or I will give into my wife telling me we ought to start having a bit more of a lifestyle again. I would like to own our home outright without having to sell assets or dip into the future SSAS funds which are really for our future rather than to be thrown at my residential mortgage. I know I wouldn’t have been able to work on this approach before, you are 100% right about that - I had an obsession with wanting to own 100 units asap at any cost and any risk, extremely foolish especially given I’ve seen how the house of cards can fall in some cases very quickly. It was all driven by my ego, !!!!!! sad really.

Cherryfudge

I remember my mum telling me to take a spare fiver with me when I went out - this was donkeys years ago and the modern equivalent would be a lot more. She called it 'mad money' - something to spend in an emergency or just if something special came up. Perhaps your unplanned weekend is 'mad money' - something good on the spur of the moment? In fact, you could even put the cost of a few of these weekends into an annual budget for nice things to do as a family or for a family member or friend. That way you would still have control but also allow yourselves nice things.

mark55man

I fully approve of your weekend away - its the glide path to a back to normal life - my last £5k took ages for similar reasons plus replacing one banger of a car with a slightly less banger of a car, but it helps get you head straight when you do finally get to £0

RelievedSheff

You have to enjoy life at the same time as paying down your debt. 

Going away and having things to look forward too are good for your mental health.

Do not feel guilty for enjoying quality family time.

daisy_1571

agreed with all the above.  Also you are moving towards giving your child a more balanced view of adulting.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing, you are showing him it can be lots of things.

alt80

August 24

Card Balances

1 ………………….........................................……….......£5,195 (0% for 11 months)

Total Card Balance…………..........................................£5,195

Total Reduction in August..............................................£475