Moving on with things

alt80

I’ve been ok today. Have been thinking on and off about how I can more consistently stick with what the pros want me to do to try to improve my mental health generally. I’m getting plenty of exercise but the other things fall by the wayside. Trying to cope by working and once home working on cleaning the house, hoping it’s enough to see that my wife can have a greater amount of time for the things she enjoys. It’s not tbh. 

No money spent by either of us today which isn’t too easy at this time of year.

@RelievedSheff thanks mate, I’m off to bed after writing this and am tired idk if it’s the acupuncture or cutting the caffeine or a mix but so far so good.

She 100% does him no favours regarding work ethic mate. He likes what he sees and wants to just have fun, she’s telling him that he can idk.

alt80

I actually can’t believe this, I’ve managed to get another decent nights sleep. Tbh it completely changes my perspective on life compared to when I barely manage a couple of hours. 

daisy_1571

Sleep deprivation has been used for torture for many years. (Generally these types know what works as torture)

Glad the combination of what you are doing now is working, all helps towards a clearer mind

Daisy xx

Cherryfudge

alt80 said:

 I feel under a shedload of pressure to make sure that he is provided for, for life. My wife doesn’t understand the pressure I have always been under to provide well and now it seems like I have the !!!!!! weight of needing to provide for generations not just for my wife and I and my boy whilst he is a child. The security blanket is not something I ever had and I don’t even think it’s necessarily the most healthy thing but I feel that he might need it and I just want the best for him. Tbt I don’t want him to have to graft like I did, the stress did make my addiction worse and I !!!!!! have fallen to bits without the crutch- it’s destroyed what self respect I did have left realising I was !!!!!! weak. 

Idk who could talk to him tbh, he does see his friends in the holidays, all their parents work including the mums. I can’t even say that it isn’t feasible for him as a man, my wife has covered that apparently he needs to find “a feminist” lol. Not sure any self respecting feminist woman would put up with it, certainly know one I employ wouldn’t, she thinks I’m an idiot and some kind of !!!!!! victim to traditional values having the full weight of the pressure of my family’s financial future relying on me. !!!!!! irony is that I don’t think she is 100% wrong ha.

I wonder - supposing you do end up providing for your wife and son 'for life' - will they actually benefit from that? Won't it deprive them both of something you value for yourself: being able to stand on their own feet, being able to look at what they've achieved and say 'I did this'? And work can provide all sorts of side benefits: social contact, routine and self esteem come to mind. I suspect that behind your wife's wanting a 'kept' lifestyle, there is a fear of not being able to look after herself and you took her on with the expectation that you would provide for her, but going forward, if your son doesn't have to work, where does that leave his future family?

I had to laugh along with you over 'Not sure any self respecting feminist woman would put up with it'. I agree. I'm sure she wouldn't!

I don't think work necessarily has to come with the stresses you've experienced, though many jobs are stressful. It's a complex web of expectations that lead to stress. He doesn't have to opt in to those things, though admittedly it's hard to be objective when you're in the middle of a situation. I know that from my own experience - but having left that situation when my health broke down, I'm now rebuilding and expanding into new abilities - and I feel better for it.

And you say 'the stress did make my addiction worse and I !!!!!! have fallen to bits without the crutch- it’s destroyed what self respect I did have left realising I was !!!!!! weak.' You made an unwise choice, but you also show you can learn from it, which is a strength. We all have our battles - it's part of being human and those who are shielded from them can lack empathy and not develop resilience or the ability to solve problems. However, the human frame has its limits and sometimes people push themselves beyond what their body can tolerate. In fact, I think that's not all that unusual. Then something breaks down - physical health, mental health, relationships or something else. That's the body saying 'no', rather than weakness. There's a book called 'When the body says no', in fact. You aren't superhuman (sorry) but you are human. Somewhere, you've learned to frame things in terms of 'success' being about building a business empire, which is one way of framing it, but success can be many other things as well. You just aren't used to seeing success through any frame but business and 'wordly wealth', but from a different view point you might be able to see you have more to offer than that - being there for family, being a good employer and landlord, being someone who continues to reply politely to all the stuff you've had thrown at you on here! Probably lots more too - you haven't kept so many loyal followers here because of your business abilities, but because people like you and want a good outcome for you and the family.

Anyway - I'm delighted you are sleeping so much better. I can hear the difference in your 'voice'. Who would have thought acupuncture could be so powerful?! And I'm sure the caffeine reduction has been timely too. Have you discovered any particularly appealing alternatives to coffee? I have a cupboard of fruit teas, but they don't always hit the spot.

alt80

Whilst my sleep is better, I'm still absolutely !!!!!! whacked most of the time, just tired at night now to go with it so it seems I'm getting even less done. Really struggling to fit in everything I need to do in the day so bringing in the work the pros want me to do is difficult. Participated in the mindful photography working today, slowed the images I have to take of property right down, thinking about it rather than just snapping away because that's not really why I'm there. It actually helped to just take a moment to think about something that wasn't having a load of information thrown at me and !!!!!! mental overload. I have a bit more than usual covering for staff on holiday rn. Don't really know how I used to work 12-13 hour days almost all of the time and not being able to put it down at the weekends either. Pre-covid it was all someone else's fault in my head and I was ok because I was working hard, business was growing rather than seeing it for what it was and me getting more and more ill and finding excuses to use. Reading about Graham Thorpe made me cry today, it's heartbreaking but from a selfish perspective made me think I need to find a way to get into a better place myself that is sustainable. 

@daisy_1571 you're not wrong. Sometimes my sleep deprivation from the insomnia lasts for such a length of time I struggle to see the perspective. It's great rn but I cannot trust it will last, I've had fleeting moments of good sleep before. 

@Cherryfudge I understand where you're coming from 100% regarding my son and his future. I really do hope it is a phase. It's not like he hasn't got plenty of time to grow out of it. Although there is a part of me that is concerned he will not want to work and I am left to ensure he and any future family of his has a good standard of living. You're right, where does it end, ha.

I agree that my problem with stress is not just related to work and business matters. Well done for leaving a situation that was causing you considerable stress, that couldn't have been easy, glad to hear it's been positive for you though. I did have a member of staff a few years back now that, for many reasons, I recognised the role they had wasn't really suited and it was causing him a lot of stress. After a few fraught meetings he agreed to move into a slightly different line of work that he absolutely excelled in. Unfortunately, he moved to a different part of the country and left but helped to set up an element of the business that wouldn't really exist otherwise. 

Pretty sure I started listening to the audiobook of 'When The Body Says No', stopped listening to it as I found it quite harrowing at the time. Iirc the researcher had found a group of women he worked with with MS all presented with the condition after traumatic events or something to that effect. I've had the breakdown - my mental health is shot from the way I lived for many years. I'm paranoid about my physical health, have been for a long time but the pros consider it to have crossed the line to OCD and had for some time. I 100% don't want this for my boy, tbh if him not winding up like me means I need to make sure he has the best I can give him for life it is what it is.

Seeing success from any other metric than the material is something the pros have struggled to work with me on for years now, it's hard and I think harder for people who don't value themselves beyond the material.

You are not the only one with cupboards full of teas; fruit teas, chamomile, green teas (yeah that has caffeine but a lot less than coffee), white teas all in this house and I'm sure I've missed some. We also have black tea but that's strictly a morning thing in this household and is full of caffeine. I do have some decaf beans which are alright and a few different chocolate powders to make hot chocolate. Tbh I find, like you, nothing is quite the same, I love (good!) coffee (absolutely hate the bad and instant stuff though ha). Sounds ridiculous but I get coffee cravings sometimes pretty !!!!!! strong ones, can't say I've ever had that from teas which I do really enjoy, just less so. 

Cherryfudge

alt80 said:

Whilst my sleep is better, I'm still absolutely !!!!!! whacked most of the time, just tired at night now to go with it so it seems I'm getting even less done. Really struggling to fit in everything I need to do in the day so bringing in the work the pros want me to do is difficult. 

Re the tiredness, it may take a while to be truly rested. Like an onion: take a layer off and there's another underneath. However, there's a limit to the layers, and it's also about your body learning to function on its new settings.

If you are struggling to fit everything in, it's likely you are doing too much. The need for a clean house is, to mis-quote various people, a good servant but a bad master.

I can imagine the book was difficult: I've not finished it yet and I only read when I feel ready to, but it's interesting. As a counterbalance, perhaps have a look at the programme on Blue Zones on N*tflix: there's an interesting story about someone who lived in America where he had a terminal diagnosis and returned to his native land (Sardinia?) for his last few months. Decades later, he seems to be enjoying life very much but is living at a different pace and with a different diet, and lots of the other blue zone benefits. The main thing I got from that is people can recover from being physically and mentally wrecked. Another part of the programme that might resonate with you is the need for people to have a sense of purpose.

As you say, your son is young yet and there's time for him to get a wider perspective. If they were fully mature at primary school age, life would be more straightforward.

I will be thinking of you when I shove yet another box back into the teas and coffees cupboard.   

mark55man

Hi Alt

My OH is really really keen on mindful photography - I would suggest though that its not something that fits in with "work" photography - its not about being arty rather it's just capturing the moments you might not otherwise think to snap - eg on the way to a property shoot rather than during it.  I'm sure your clients will appreciate the extra effort but I think you could just keep those ones more clinical

Well done on your sleep - being tired all the time is just modern life, don't beat yourself up about it just celebrate when you have a better day, and give yourself credit for the achievements at work and at home that causes the tiredness

There's a line in Forrest Gump when Jenny comes back to stay "Gump [Referring to Jenny, narrating] and then she was there. She came back and stayed with me. Maybe it was because she had nowhere else to go, or maybe it was because she was so tired because she went to bed and slept and slept like she hadn't slept in years."

 It takes a while to refresh yourself is all!! 

vampirotoothus

Hi Alt horse therapy is a relatively new thing in the UK but has helped lots of people. Perhaps something you could find out more about Spirit Of The Phoenix- Equine Assisted Therapy in Nottinghamshire.We have similar here in Dorset.
Also if the family has any interest in horses, National Horse-racing week is coming up where lots of yards open to visitors for a behind the scenes look, including meeting the stars (horses). You will need to book online. Perhaps that is something you could all do, as it would be a nice drive out, in the fresh air and maybe a good lunch.
Glad things are improving for you V x

RelievedSheff

mark55man said:

Hi Alt

My OH is really really keen on mindful photography - I would suggest though that its not something that fits in with "work" photography - its not about being arty rather it's just capturing the moments you might not otherwise think to snap - eg on the way to a property shoot rather than during it.  I'm sure your clients will appreciate the extra effort but I think you could just keep those ones more clinical

Well done on your sleep - being tired all the time is just modern life, don't beat yourself up about it just celebrate when you have a better day, and give yourself credit for the achievements at work and at home that causes the tiredness

There's a line in Forrest Gump when Jenny comes back to stay "Gump [Referring to Jenny, narrating] and then she was there. She came back and stayed with me. Maybe it was because she had nowhere else to go, or maybe it was because she was so tired because she went to bed and slept and slept like she hadn't slept in years."

 It takes a while to refresh yourself is all!! 

Funny you mention Forest Gump. We had not watched it for years but managed to watch it again last Friday. We had forgotten what a great film it was/is.

daisy_1571

Your body needs sleep.  Thats just a fact.  So if you keep doing what you are currently doing it shouldn't be fleeting, it should just become the new normal, where a sleepless night is the oddity.  Good chance you will know what has caused it that day, too much caffeine, had caffeine too late in the day, out late so body still a bit hyped, not enough physical movement that day etc. 

From time to time I go to sleep as normal but wake again after about 20 minutes then toss and turn for a couple of hours.  Usually I have an idea why that is (for me its usually not enough movement to get physically tired, bedroom too hot or too much cola/sweeties) and I know the next night i'll be extra sleepy and will sleep the full night through again.  But that day I'm like a half shut knife when I first get up, and thats only from one night broken sleep lol.  I absolutely take my hat off to new parents, night shift workers etc.  I don't know how you do it.

When I was working, I preferred to start at 7 so I was walking out the door at half 3/4 o clockish to get home.  Since I didn't want to go to bed at half 8 lol, I was permanently sleep deprived of around 2 hours sleep every working day for 30odd years.  I only worked that out after a couple of years of retirement where most days I can go to sleep when i want and wake whenever I want.  Now my natural rhythm seems to be a few days of 9 hours or slightly longer, a week to a fortnight of around 8 hours then a night of 5 or 6 hours.  (Im a much nicer person in the mornings nowadays lol.)  You'll find your rhythm in time.

You have been living with a lot of artificial stimulants for years so you had thought of that level as normal.   Give yourself time to get used to your more natural levels. Like cherryfudge says, if you are struggling to fit everything in then you either need to find more efficient ways of working, delegate some things, lower your standards or drop doing some things completely.   Might not be a pleasant idea for you but a quart won't go into a pint pot (as they used to say a hundred years ago lol).

It's great to read these much more positive posts, you really are sounding in a very different place these days


Daisy xx