Moving on with things

alt80

We had a great time Saturday, current therapy focused on OCD is helping me to manage the anxiety/ panic, although it is still there it isn't ruling over me rn. Cars all made it there and back, son’s mate got safely back to his parents. Glad to have had a quiet day yesterday, though. Today has been busy, summer is, always have staff off on holiday. Not too many at once but enough to notice. Tbf I'm still suffering a bit and didn't have a good night's sleep going into today although I did get to sleep at a reasonable time, I woke up twice, really !!!!!! anxious the second time. I do wish I could turn the clock back as I do think I wouldn't be doing constant battle with anxiety had I stopped using long before I did. My wife believes I can get through this, not doomed to struggle with mental ill health forever. I do hope she's right as it affects everything.

@Cherryfudge yeah, not every single day but most days. I did try to cut it to 4-5 but it crept up quickly again. Ha, I have played the demotivator and got my wife to do it - it is quite surprising, and eye-opening too. I tend to pay down physical effects, but you're 100% right. Caffeine definitely doesn't help anxiety issues.

My family do love it when I have a good day. They want me around, I just don't always think I deserve them. I do everything I can to try to make an effort with my boy. The last thing I want is him ever knowing what those type of thoughts are like to have. 

@mark55man how much plain water I've had over the past few days I'm probably the most hydrated I've been in my life, ha.

I'll find with decaf I say I'll drink decaf, buy the beans, use the right beans when I'm making coffee (had one today actually ha) but forget to tell someone who makes me coffee or forget to order decaf at the coffee shop and that's it I cba. 

@daisy_1571 Today is the first day I've not had a bad headache but I’m whacked from poor sleep. Tolerance only tends to go so far and can sometimes then become intolerance it seems. My coffee drinking is/ was habitual. Do like all kinds of tea; lots are caffeine free. It is worth buying a variable temperature kettle and some good quality loose leaf teas - lots of alternatives to traditional black teas that you can enjoy.  

@Sun_Addict working in a coffee mad office doesn’t help ha. Been quite conscious of it today !!!!!! hate making coffee for my staff if I’m not making myself one though hence why I broke the decaf beans out lol. 

Yeah I have had to change my ways, lot for the better but it’s still !!!!!! hard.

@ladyholly I’ve stopped worse ha, tbf you’re probably right, hope I’m through the worst of it. Haven’t entirely cut it today, had a green tea and some chocolate cake without really thinking idk I can’t say I feel I want to get so serious about it that I never eat a piece of chocolate again tbf.

alt80

Looking like I need to start cooking again, wife has done herself no favours with her diet lately. Tbh not done my son and I any either. We’re all struggling, now need to find out whether her diet has given us the same results. Getting confirmation that she has made herself ill is !!!!!! maddening. Idk I’ve always believed she didn’t have an eating disorder and supported her about her weight even though she prefers being more skinny than I feel is healthy. When she reached her goal of being 50kg so she could give blood she looked amazing (what do I know ha). Anyhow I think I am going to have to think about us having a cleaner for a couple of days a week. Not something that I wanted as I don’t really trust they will do it to my standards. My wife keeps saying that she is happy to keep the house but I don’t want to have to deal with telling her things aren’t right when we’ve come so far in our marriage. Idk not money related really apart from the potential additional cleaning bill.

mark55man

we find cooking low carb (but not full on keto) gives a good balance.  and means we don't have to feel too over carbed if we have a lolly or a tranche of cake with our coffee.  The other advantage of low carb main dishes is you can individually and independently add extra rice or chips or whatever for those not feeling the need to be strict. Good luck with whatever you choose. 

I have no advice to offer on cleaners others that t sounds it might be stressful and not cheap - I imagine OCD compatible cleaners might come at a high price tag. Plus if you OH is keen to keep house will she be upset if you take that from her hands. 

Sarahwithlove

Finally caught up on the last year of your diary. You're so close to the card debt being gone. Have you made a decision yet on the next steps? At the moment you have about 2k spare a month to put towards debt. Could you come to some kind of compromise with your wife? Give her additional £500 a month for extras, if she wants something that costs more she will have to save for it. Then the rest go towards paying off your mortgage? Having a roof over my head is always a priority for me and being mortgage free would provide a significant financial future for your family. It's also another debt for you to focus on and give you purpose.

It makes me sad to read how little self worth you have, I wish you could forgive yourself for your past mistakes the way your family have. Your 20 year olds dream of a future isn't realistic, even if you managed to build your business and get your yacht and the mansion, there would always be something else you want. Someone who will always have better. I really hope you can manage your anxiety and learn to be happy and live in the moment with your family. They want a future that includes you even if that means settling for less than perfect. 

As someone who has lost a parent before they were 30, I really hope your son never has to experience that. I can't explain how hard it is living your life and not having your parent there to share those moments or help you through them. If you don't want a future for yourself, want a future for your son so that he never has to experience that kind of pain. You may not feel you are worthy of your family or their love but you have it regardless. No matter how unworthy you feel you are or how much money you provide it won't make losing you hurt any less. 

RelievedSheff

Everything in moderation.

Sure I have said that before 😀

alt80

Had a fairly positive day yesterday and today apart from very poor sleep again despite being very careful about my caffeine consumption idk I'm just !!!!!! doomed to have bad sleep. Now on the countdown to an early finish Friday. Plan is to do this for the rest of the summer, finish at lunch on Fridays to spend a bit more time with my little family. I had started doing that but since my mental health took a bit of a nosedive felt better working.

@mark55manI’m with you on the fairly low carb diet. Although out of choice I’d pick a Mediterranean diet, cakes aside. The sweet tooth is my downfall 100%, I can train and eat relatively well until the cakes and chocolates are presented to me, all !!!!!! downhill then. Both my wife and I can cook to a fairly decent standard, she used to enjoy cooking quite a lot of different meals. She gets fixated on weight loss but equally loves getting strong at the gym so will go through phases of training hard but fuelled by enough food to training hard on too little food which isn’t varied. The problem is she is convinced she’s fat when she basically fits her clothes properly rather than them hanging off her idk. It’s caught up with her now.

The OCD is to do with my health rather than cleanliness although tbf some of the traits are there in all parts of my life; I didn't realise until it was pointed out. To an extent it is just how I am about a lot of things and just the health stuff that crosses into real OCD, the rest I just have to do things in a certain way and if it’s not done right it trips me off. Idk maybe one day I'll sort my head out but until then, it's just coping with it really. I've taken on responsibility for keeping the house from my wife because I didn't go about dealing with it in the right way in the past. I know I was wrong to treat her in the way I did so I'd rather just let her have her time to enjoy whatever she wants to do rather than having to take responsibility for looking after the house.

@Sarahwithlove Yeah, I'm confident that I'll meet my debt free date target this time. As for the plans for the money after, I've agreed to have a/c installed at home - this house retains heat and whilst it's lovely in the winter, in the summer it's too warm quite a bit of the time. So that's where the first lot of surplus cash is going. 

My wife thinks I should aim to pay off my mortgage by the time I'm 60, idk. I do want my wife to not have to worry about it but once the house is owned outright and she has an income, that really is everything done. I didn't get to where I wanted to be in life and I'm so !!!!!! whacked / run down / burned out / dealing with my own !!!!!! mental health I'm sort of just accepting things tick along as they are now, I'm very glad of that too tbf.

It's hard to respond to your last point but I've no plans to leave my little family whilst I accept I'm nothing, they don't.

@RelievedSheff You have mate, so far as food goes I 100% agree although it is easy to cross into gluttony if I don't keep an eye on it personally.  

Sarahwithlove

It's interesting that you say once mortgage paid and she has an income that's everything done. To your family you are more than just the money you provide and I hope one day you can see that. 

alt80

@Sarahwithlove I know that my family care about me. I try my best to not be miserable around them. So far as I am concerned the money I can provide is the only thing I have going for me and it is something tangible that I can give to my wife and son. You are right that it is my family that matters. I try not to waste money on myself these days, things that only impact me I don't buy or spend as little as I can get away with. Not going to pretend I don't have thoughts about spending and wanting to have nice things for myself again because that's how I am unfortunately but I do see it for what it is and manage to stop it 99/100 these days. 

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@Sarahwithlove I know that my family care about me. I try my best to not be miserable around them. So far as I am concerned the money I can provide is the only thing I have going for me and it is something tangible that I can give to my wife and son. You are right that it is my family that matters. I try not to waste money on myself these days, things that only impact me I don't buy or spend as little as I can get away with. Not going to pretend I don't have thoughts about spending and wanting to have nice things for myself again because that's how I am unfortunately but I do see it for what it is and manage to stop it 99/100 these days. 

I do wonder if that is part of the problem for you Alt?

Have you cut too much out of your life and your spending?

You do need to have things to look forward too in life. But again in moderation.

Sarahwithlove

RelievedSheff said:

alt80 said:

@Sarahwithlove I know that my family care about me. I try my best to not be miserable around them. So far as I am concerned the money I can provide is the only thing I have going for me and it is something tangible that I can give to my wife and son. You are right that it is my family that matters. I try not to waste money on myself these days, things that only impact me I don't buy or spend as little as I can get away with. Not going to pretend I don't have thoughts about spending and wanting to have nice things for myself again because that's how I am unfortunately but I do see it for what it is and manage to stop it 99/100 these days. 

I do wonder if that is part of the problem for you Alt?

Have you cut too much out of your life and your spending?

You do need to have things to look forward too in life. But again in moderation.

Agreed. I feel like you are still punishing yourself for your past bad choices. It's ok to want things for yourself and to find enjoyment in them.