Moving on with things

daisy_1571

Just saw this on fb, a friend had posted it on their feed and it says much better than I ever could what I was suggesting you to have a think about in my clumsy post above

"You’re going to realize it one day — that happiness was never about your job, or your degree, or being in a relationship. Happiness was never about following in the footsteps of all of those who came before you, it was never about being like the others. One day, you’re going to see it — that happiness was always about the discovery, the hope, the listening to your heart and following it wherever it chose to go. Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself, it was always about embracing the person you were becoming. One day, you will understand. That happiness was always about learning how to live with yourself, that happiness was never in the hands of other people. It was always about you. It was always about you."

Bianca Sparacino

Illustration : meagartista

Read More: https://diaryamazing.com/

alt80

@daisy_1571 thanks, ikwyacf, certainly have no desire to go back to how things were. It is something I'm greatly ashamed of tbh that gets in the way of me enjoying life. Unfortunately I don't want to live with myself 9/10, which is a lot of the reason the only thing I want is to set my family up to be financially secure in the future. I do sometimes enjoy things in the moment, like the motocross but days later I wind up feeling guilty for it. I know what I'd say to others, the be kind to yourself / enjoy your life etc. and it's only the road I should be travelling too because it's where the pros want me to get to. Idk I've seen myself for what I am I suppose is why I'm like this.

Cherryfudge

Perhaps you've seen yourself for what you were, or how you were when using. What you are is evidently someone different.

And all through you've had a concern for others and a talent for your work which are valuable and have helped others.

warby68

FWIW I see a good man. A struggling man, but a good one. It is always much easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself.

You are practically putting your wife up for sainthood and can see how very much she has benefitted from her therapy and how much she loves you and her family life but she too has been less than perfect in the past. I expect you blame yourself for that too. Listen to her though when she says how she wants you all to live now. It includes you fully not just as provider. You are allowed to move on with her and enjoy who you both are now. That includes a balanced approach to finances. Plan for the future but the present is equally important. You are a good earner, you're allowed to live as one.

I will keep rooting for that troubled mind of yours to give you a break soon. I have told you before, I would not have been there with a child and drug addiction in the house but I don't think I ever said that I would still be willing to help and reconsider once you were fully helping yourself because I would still love you and know the whole you, not just the addicted part. Its easy to see why your wife is still there and willing.

RelievedSheff

We all make mistakes Alt. But you can't beat yourself up about them forever.

You are a changed man. Embrace the change.

stymied

Even if you can’t have fun for you, have fun for your family @alt80. It’s what they want more than anything that can be bought with money.

You already cut down significantly from what you were drawing from your business by stopping the additional annual dividend. It doesn’t seem at all unreasonable to keep drawing the same as you are now, or at least split the difference and loosen the purse strings a little, whether that be for holidays, saving up for a new kitchen or your wife buying new shoes for her collection.

alt80

Things aren't fantastic but thank you for your replies, I don’t really feel that I can reply directly but thanks. Tbh I didn't think I'd still be struggling with sleep etc., hadn't really realised the harm I've done to myself over the years or that it wasn’t all just one issue either. Some days are better than others, have to take the positives where I can. 

I did manage to have a nice evening yesterday and whilst we aren't doing much this weekend, I’m going to try to use it as an opportunity to mostly switch off from work. 

mark55man

Watching the olympics - especially sports you don't normally watch can be quite relaxing - or a gentle walk. 

Although it probably doesn't help solve the problem it may reassure you that having sleep issues is more common than you may think as you get older, even in people who haven't overcome your mental and physical challenges. So don't view it as self inflicted its just a phase that everyone has to go through,  My own coping mechanism was controlled breathing and/or repeating my bedtime routine after getting up to watch something on the telly. Also with 4 kids in 5 years I can tell you, that you do get used to it   

alt80

Going to deal with paying my card balance later today. Idk it is strange being so close and having such little unsecured debt. Certainly not complaining though!

I am currently struggling to find the enthusiasm I always did have for my business. It’s been my entire life and idk what it is over this past year or so but I certainly don’t have the same level of energy for it. Recently I have been thinking this family time, slowing down is really damaging me but I’ve been so burned out for so long I think I can’t just get back to where I was either.

@mark55man we did very little this weekend, walking and watching the Olympics just about sums it up apart from a bit of time in the garden.

Actually had a good night’s sleep Saturday but last night was a !!!!!! disaster. I can’t even imagine 4 kids under 5, genuinely don’t know how you and your wife did it.

Cherryfudge

I imagine your feelings about the end of cc debt are difficult because it's been a constant and will be no more. I think it's been suggested that another goal in its place might help ease that transition, as well as being a useful end in itself. So part of it is about putting the brakes on when you've been hurtling in the same direction for a long time, but there are also your feelings about the unknown. All I can say here is to identify any fears to yourself, and know that you will come through this and out the other side. It may take a while to reorientate yourself, but you will get there. Listen to your mentors. Identify your feelings and their causes.

And why do you feel the family time/slowing down are damaging you?

I don't think the answer will lie in getting back to where you were. The way out is through, so you are travelling paths you've not travelled before. Even the familiar, like the business, can look different when your context changes. Yet there is plenty of evidence that people come through massive changes, changed in themselves but stronger and more resilient. Think back to before you had a business: you've come a million miles since then. So far that if you could talk to your teenaged self, it would be as though you were advising a different person. Your future self would undoubtedly talk to you (as you are today) similarly. You just can't yet see how that future self will look, so for a little while you will feel you're walking in the dark, but that will ease.

And I agree, four under-fives - wow! That's a significant undertaking.