Moving on with things

alt80

Really nice lunch and afternoon with my family today. Have booked lunch at a nice restaurant close to home tomorrow. Idk what’s wrong with me really but I like these shorter days working and additional time with my wife and son. Getting old before my time, ha. 

Had the acupuncture yesterday, slept ok last night so idk possibly working.

@RelievedSheff tbf you’re only saying what I say to others. I don’t let my wife and son miss out and that’s what matters. Apart from the time with my family I genuinely don’t know what I could have to look forward to and tbf my family should be enough, I know.

@Sarahwithlove you’re not wrong, it’s something that the pros have been trying to help me with.

daisy_1571

Morning,  sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you aren't getting old before your time, you're getting old exactly at your time lol.  We all change and get more interested in things we wouldn't have given time for before.  Things we loved lose appeal, I cant think of anything worse than going out to a noisy smoky pub yet when I was young that was the best thing ever, Thursday to Sunday evenings every week hahaha, it happens to us all mate.

The only thing I'd say based on the above, at some point you might want to think about beginning to look at other interests.  Not now.  For now your work, your family things and the house probably takes up a lot of time added to your health appointments. 

But over time, as these things all fall into the new balance of your life, you might want to look at interests you had when you were young, or things you fancied trying but never got round to.  When you watch the Olympics you can see how many sports there are in the world that we usually never hear about, there's programmes on TV that I watch and appreciate the enthusiasm people have for their interests without wanting to do most of them ie mortimer and Woodhouse doing their fishing, Pete waterman doing his model railway stuff, Chelsea flower show etc etc.  But occasionally something looks interesting and I go off finding out more. 

If you just keep an eye and an ear open there might be something that you can do on your own, or something with Mrs alt or with your boy.  These interests can add so much to the richness of your life and it all helps with being closer to your loved ones emotionally, or giving you something interesting to talk about when you all get back from separate pursuits.  It helps also with the looking forward to the future with a healthy gentle anticipation.  I personally don't think your family 'should be enough'.  We would all be pretty boring if we went to work/school then came home and sat looking at each other hahaha. Its good to get involved with others and other activities separatelyand together. 

When we are young, we are often scornful of such pursuits and get overly invested in our own sphere, dismissive of stuff we don't see the point of.  Maturing, I think, knocks our sharp edges off and we start to see the merit in a wider range of things. 

So I think you are maturing and growing as a person (if you enjoy that kind of language hahaha), I see posts like the above as really positive.

Enjoy your weekend,  daisy xx

alt80

Had a nice day, great food and plenty of walking. Second decent nights sleep in a row and pretty tired so off to bed after typing this post. 

@daisy_1571 Iswyacf, I used to enjoy my sports cars and driving. Addressing the things that have been giving me panic attacks behind the wheel recently has helped and let me enjoy the bikes, trip to the coast and karting with my family lately. When I was in the residential rehab I enjoyed the art therapy sessions. My sister sent me a link to a mindful photography book the other day, it’s something she is doing and thought I would be interested. She’s showed me how the different settings work (on my iPhone, I don’t have a proper camera), anyhow it’s interesting to play around with the settings and effects that can be created even on my phone. Wasted a few hours today that I probably shouldn’t have messing about with it. Idk spending time on things that aren’t directly linked to being revenue earning I struggle to not wind up feeling guilty about. 

My wife has a wide range of interests, always had and tbh my son sees the difference between her lifestyle and mine and he hates the idea of having to work when he is older. Can’t blame him from what he has seen wanting to be like his fun mum rather than miserable dad.

kayannie

alt80 said:

My wife has a wide range of interests, always had and tbh my son sees the difference between her lifestyle and mine and he hates the idea of having to work when he is older. Can’t blame him from what he has seen wanting to be like his fun mum rather than miserable dad.

I hope you've pointed out to your son that it is only because YOU work that his mum is able to have the lifestyle that she has!
KA

Sarahwithlove

Sounds like you need some hobbies and interests to show your son there can be a balance between the two rather than one extreme or the other. 

Sun_Addict

He’ll change his mind when he’s older. He’s still very young, work seems a world away when you’re that age. You’re a great role model for him, you’ve worked hard to get where you are. 

alt80

Another ok nights sleep last night I’m definitely a lot better mental health wise when I manage to sleep without too much trouble. Today hasn’t been an expensive one, we have just been enjoying this lovely weather in our garden. 

@kayannie ha no point in that, my Mrs has told him he should find a girlfriend who has a rich family or who’s doing well for herself when he’s older and apparently until then we will look after him as him having fun is the only thing that matters. No !!!!!! pressure eh. Spending a fortune on his education looking like it’s well worth it, ha. 

@Sarahwithlove many days just !!!!!! getting through everything that I need to do is an achievement for me never mind adding more to the list.

@Sun_Addict I don’t understand it, my parents had my sister and I working, doing little jobs for them from a very young age. They placed a lot of value in us having a work ethic and doing our schoolwork to the best of our ability. My wife just hasn’t instilled that stuff as being important he cba with his schoolwork either 9/10. It really !!!!!! trips me off probably more than it would if we had just sent him to a state school. I’ve tried to tell him that these things are important but he just sees me as a !!!!!! miserable !!!!!!, probably not far off the mark. Now I’m whacked 24/7 and can’t go at it as much as I used to, I do think that a balance needs to be struck. Ultimately I just want the best for him and the direction he’s been taking this past few months is not great. 10 going on !!!!!! 15 rn, god help us in a few years time when the hormones kick in fml.

FIL reckons similar to you that it’s just a phase, idk, I hope so, but not holding out too much hope. I think he takes after my wife with the work ethic, she has always been the same hated the idea of working for a living. In-laws told me she walked into a !!!!!! school careers meeting and told them that all the tests were useless, she wasn’t interested in doing work experience as she was 100% sure she wanted to be a footballer’s wife. She’d bin me off in a day if one of the Forest players approached her I’m sure although I can’t blame her for that I don’t suppose, ha. 

Cherryfudge

From where I stand, @alt80, it's looking as though your wife's parents said to her exactly what she's now saying to your son. She doesn't know and doesn't have the confidence to find out how rewarding working can be, so she's reinforcing her own position and affirming it in him. The thing is, he may not find a rich girl, or if he does, will she be interested in him? Or he may fall for someone who loves a job that will never make them rich, but still have rewards of its own. We can see this, but he can't. Is there perhaps someone outside your immediate family who can influence him to see the bigger picture?

Good night's sleep is brilliant, by the way. I'm so pleased.  

alt80

Less great nights sleep but still better than most. Somehow been tired and wanting to get to bed just before midnight since the acupuncture. Idk if it’s just psychological but I’m going back this week 100%. I have cut way down on the caffeine too. If I have coffee or green tea at all it’s two max a day and before about 3pm. Being chronically sleep deprived really does not help my mental health and I still get cravings when I’ve been really struggling with sleep. Everything suffers and I don’t have the stimulants to rely on anymore. 

There’s been times over the past few months that I’ve come quite close to going backwards, thinking about how upset my wife would be has got me through but this morning I did think that this is no way to live. As much as I try to not be miserable around my wife and son I know they know I am not alright. I try to hide the anxiety and panic attacks from my son but he knows that I’m not very well a lot of the time. I woke up this morning and thought I do want to get better for them but also for me. I’m doing myself no favours like this and it’s no good for my family. I’ve stayed off the stuff for over two years now and almost cleared my card balances as well as put my business financially in the best position it ever has been and a clear route to setting up my wife once I am no longer here or for the pair of us to actually have a retirement together. I won’t be able to work long hours until I drop, the last few years have proven that to me and whilst I don’t think I do want to fully retire in the future I would like that additional time with my family.

@Cherryfudge 100% agree with you. Tbh I feel under a shedload of pressure to make sure that he is provided for, for life. My wife doesn’t understand the pressure I have always been under to provide well and now it seems like I have the !!!!!! weight of needing to provide for generations not just for my wife and I and my boy whilst he is a child. The security blanket is not something I ever had and I don’t even think it’s necessarily the most healthy thing but I feel that he might need it and I just want the best for him. Tbt I don’t want him to have to graft like I did, the stress did make my addiction worse and I !!!!!! have fallen to bits without the crutch- it’s destroyed what self respect I did have left realising I was !!!!!! weak. 

Idk who could talk to him tbh, he does see his friends in the holidays, all their parents work including the mums. I can’t even say that it isn’t feasible for him as a man, my wife has covered that apparently he needs to find “a feminist” lol. Not sure any self respecting feminist woman would put up with it, certainly know one I employ wouldn’t, she thinks I’m an idiot and some kind of !!!!!! victim to traditional values having the full weight of the pressure of my family’s financial future relying on me. !!!!!! irony is that I don’t think she is 100% wrong ha.

RelievedSheff

I think instilling good works ethics into your boy at this stage is a good idea. He needs to know that hard work pays dividends, nothing in life is free. In that sense your wife isn't doing him any favours with her mindset.

Good to hear that you are getting some better sleep.