Moving on with things

alt80

Had a !!!!!! terrible night's sleep tbh thinking about spending, lack of reduction of the card balance this month and if I perhaps could sell something I no longer need/want to get back on track. Iswyaacf re relaxing the budget a little but the fact is by the standards of much of the population we don't really have a restrictive budget anyhow so I'm not sure I can really use that argument. Ultimately, I had promised myself I would not spend outside of what I had allocated and I have been really strict about it which is why I have been consistent for quite some time now. I broke that promise by spending over the allocated amounts set at the start of the year and everything else being on track so no robbing Peter to pay Paul; equally we had a really nice time so idk. Also gave into my wife about going to see some cars to replace the EQC. It will be the business paying for it but it's still money being spent when it could be allocated elsewhere.

mark55man

its true there are plenty of people who dream of having your problems or spending capability.  But none of them are in your shoes and so that isn't relevant.  I'm a big believer in looking out for other people and respecting different viewpoints and experiences, but they are not living your life, so when the door shuts you are on your own in a cohort of 1 - and you are doing a good job. You could do better - sure but scoring 9/10 is much better than 8 or even 0,  don't let the pursuit of the perfect journey spoil the life you are living.

hope you rest better for the next few days

warby68

You're hitting the choices most people have to make about a certain part of their income.

You can have pretty much anything but not everything and the opportunity cost of one over the other can be hard to fathom as they are often conflicting items such as yours, pay off debt or spend on enjoying yourself. Mine's a simple message today - it really is ok to do a bit of both. 

What about setting a minimum for debt repayment ( enough to repay in the 11m left at 0%) and a maximum and train your brain that anything in between is ok. I actually think it would be good for you to practice this move away from 'anything other than the max is a failure' mentality before the debt is gone completely as, for one thing, its really making you consider choices and that will help when you move on to your next phase which will be basically choices between spending now or saving for the future which is equally hard.

Keep going @alt80 - you're doing great even though it doesn't feel like it.

RelievedSheff

warby68 said:

You're hitting the choices most people have to make about a certain part of their income.

You can have pretty much anything but not everything and the opportunity cost of one over the other can be hard to fathom as they are often conflicting items such as yours, pay off debt or spend on enjoying yourself. Mine's a simple message today - it really is ok to do a bit of both. 

What about setting a minimum for debt repayment ( enough to repay in the 11m left at 0%) and a maximum and train your brain that anything in between is ok. I actually think it would be good for you to practice this move away from 'anything other than the max is a failure' mentality before the debt is gone completely as, for one thing, its really making you consider choices and that will help when you move on to your next phase which will be basically choices between spending now or saving for the future which is equally hard.

Keep going @alt80 - you're doing great even though it doesn't feel like it.

I fully agree with this.

There needs to be a balance between repaying debt in a timely manner but also in enjoying your life at the same time. Repaying debt is not a punishment.

We could have repaid our debt fully years ago but in doing so would have missed out on all of the fantastic trips we have had in the meantime. We want to enjoy time away and time with friends and family while we are fit, young and able enough to do it. We don't want to look back on these years and regret what we never did.

It is a balancing act. We seem to have found a happy medium with (very roughly) a third of our spare funds going to debt repayments, a third going to savings and a third going to mortgage overpayments. We allocate an additional amount each month for going out and enjoying ourselves.

ladyholly

Time spent with your son is priceless. It wont be many years before he wont want to be with you - parents are embarassing to teenagers and as they get older their friends are far more important than parents.  I am not suggesting throwing money at him but the memories of time spent  as a family will last much longer for all of you. Enjoy your outings even if it slows your debt repayment. You have worked hard to be in the finacial position you are in so now is the time to reap those rewards.

daisy_1571

Rules make life workable, breaking them occasionally makes life bearable 😀 

Agree with both comments above.   You are experiencing what loads of people do when they are within touching distance.   Some folk go mad, put themselves really back and don't have anything much to show for it.  Self sabotage in effect.   You still paid off some money and you had an enjoyable time with your family.   Whilst not going with your 'plan', it hasn't dented it by much. (Also, comparing it to other splurges in the past which cost more and harmed you all I think this splurge was excellent!)   

This is a taste of life beyond paying off the debts.  Its completely up to you how that looks.  Whether thinking about £2k a month or £8 a week, everyone has the same limitations ie each pound can only be spent once.  Unfortunately all of us want to simultaneously pay off debts, save, invest, spend sensibly and spend frivolously.  Its a really frustrating part of the journey.   You too will find your happy medium.  I like warbys idea of parameters within which you are content.   I like markmans reminder that anything is better than nothing and its pretty pointless comparing to others for many different reasons.

Keep on keeping on 

Dxx

daisy_1571

sorry missed the 2 newest posts.  Also agree with them. Balance is everything 

D  

backinbusiness

Hi @alt80. I've followed your journey with interest - I once started a thread called "A Thread for After Debt", as the focus on debt-clearing can become so intense; what do you do afterwards?

Easier said than done, however I do think you should cut yourself some slack - you've come a long, LONG way - but you do need the odd treat now and again otherwise it becomes purgatory! It's all about the balance.

Chin up, keep on keeping on - and I do hope you start to feel a bit more positive again soon.

BiB x 

alt80

I’ve been struggling to think about much other than slipping up with spending and not meeting my target for the reduction in my card balance. My wife is of a similar opinion to the consensus on here and I have spoken to the pros. I am finding life difficult most days. It !!!!!! breaks me that I don’t want to be on business 24-7 anymore and that I just !!!!!! burned out. It’s not being ungrateful for what I do have - I thought everything would just fall into place in recovery, spend a few months lying low enjoying family time and come back better than ever ready to smash my goals. Definitely hasn't been like that. I remember being told within 18 months the compensatory measures the brain takes to deal with chemical imbalance ceases and the levels of dopamine etc. are back to where they should be - if that is where I am now idk. I have had the odd few weeks that I’ve been well, but most of the time I’m still not ok. 

@mark55man thanks mate. Various people have said something similar to me, tbh I've said similar things to others about gratitude / comparison / perfectionism etc. I know it comes from being kinder on yourself, treating yourself in the way you would treat a friend. Just can't get it into my thick head, ha.

@warby68 thank you, I'm not giving up, have to keep going - I know the alternative is too !!!!!! grim to even consider an option.

I do understand where you are coming from and I wish that I could feel ok about relaxing the rate I pay the remaining card balance off, but I really don't. It is important to me to not have this hanging over me another year, or the best part of one. I know it is not a lot of money; it's not really the money that is bothering me, it's the constant reminder of how I chose to live my life for a very long time. It is my preference to simply not have access to the money I currently use to pay off the card balances, like you, my wife thinks differently - she wants "a reward" for want of a better world.  

@RelievedSheff You have a fantastic balance and you know I think you're a massive inspiration and hope to anyone who has found themselves in a difficult financial situation. The fact you are enjoying your life, not really letting the past get in the way of your present is brilliant. In most circumstances, I 100% agree paying debt is not a punishment but a choice to have taken the thing or experience now with the knowledge you will pay more into the future for it.

@ladyholly I've told my wife those days will come sooner than we realise. She reckons that she can avoid being an embarrassment, I've told her she's !!!!!! deluded and the more she tries to not be embarrassing, the more embarrassing she'll be to him, ha. Idk about rewards personally I don't want to be rewarded, I try to put the wants of my wife and son first.

@daisy_1571 Unfortunately I know more than most each £1 can only be spent once, ha but iswyacf and I can absolutely get how some get within touching distance only to go backwards and self sabotage. My wife has the following listed for when we no longer have the card balance to pay: a/c for the house, a motorbike for our son's main Christmas present (she's not !!!!!! thought that through at all), February half term in the Caribbean, about £10k in clothes, three pieces of Cartier jewellery and burdening the business with a Range Rover Autobiography with the 70 mile capacity hybrid so we "don't end up in debt for it" fml. She also tells me I need to get serious about paying my mortgage off on our home "quickly"; not sure how I'm meant to buy all this stuff and clear my mortgage quickly, ha. I really don't want another Range Rover, not really sure why she has decided we should have another one either. Tbh I don't really see the need for us having more than one car as I choose not to drive 9/10 so we never need two cars these days anyway. As for the rest, the whole lot !!!!!! trips me off. Although I would like to be able to give her what she wants and she deserves it, her lists do make me !!!!!! anxious and telling her no !!!!!! breaks me.

@backinbusiness thank you, I also hope I can get into a more positive headspace too. How did you find things after debt - what did you work on and did you find you managed to stay in a good place with money?

backinbusiness

@backinbusiness thank you, I also hope I can get into a more positive headspace too. How did you find things after debt - what did you work on and did you find you managed to stay in a good place with money?

Hi @alt80 - Once I became debt-free, it took me about another year to "loosen the purse strings" and allow myself a little more slack in the budget / leisure spends. The habits were so ingrained (finally!) that I still continue to shop around, source discounts etc on most of my spends still.

I've been lucky enough to have benefited from promotions, my children completing University etc and some other life changes that have all contributed to a good standard of living - and I now enjoy spending (modest) amounts on theatre tips, holidays etc.

You've made so many changes and come such a long way - it's admirable. BiB x