Moving on with things

alt80

Writing things down last night I think I need to speak to my wife about her immediate wants after the card balance has gone. Also that I think just not having spare money in my personal accounts is the better option. This isn’t helping my mental health at all. 100% I do feel bad that I am not in a position to just buy her this stuff but I am no good to my family when I’m like this either.

@backinbusiness good to hear you managed to not revert to old ways and did well after becoming debt free. 

For me, uni will be cheaper than son being at school lol.

alt80

Not sure about anyone else but I always find September is a bit like a second ‘new year’ despite not being a teacher and long out of school myself, ha. Possibly it’s my grads starting and son going back that prompts it these days idk. Wife reminded me I should make the most of it as this year has gone a bit awry. She basically wants the c.£2k surplus each month to go to the things she wants on her list rather than be getting into debt for this stuff. She’s surprised I have no list and won’t listen to maybe moving house at some point, tells me I need to get this place paid for and stop looking - probably fair haha and doesn’t want me talking about when I’m gone either. Idk, I just can’t change my mindset, don’t think my wife will accept me just not drawing the money in the first place and every day that edges closer to the balance being paid off I am !!!!!! tripped off.

warby68

At least she's got the idea that you have to have it before you spend it - she must be about ready to burst from 2 years of not splashing out.

There's an easy compromise - £1k each - she spends and you can save if you want. 

Make it clear fairly soon that you can't accelerate the mortgage AND spend to that extent (probably) - she is definitely counting every £ more than once 

Not sure its very fair of her to push for a Range Rover when its a big trigger for you

alt80

@warby68 ha, yeah pretty much lol. She’s got some big night out planned for us to celebrate no longer having to pay the card balances. I’d prefer to just forget it. Dgmw, I will be pleased but I don’t really want to go out. I suppose I’ve become used to it being something I just don’t do anymore and I can’t really enjoy more than a couple of drinks these days, even that can feel too much sometimes. Before you tell me, I know I’ve turned into a boring !!!!!!. 

I don’t want to deny her the money, 100% iswyacf however at £1k a month she’ll be waiting a long time for the stuff on her list. Her timeframe for that lot is 1 year which is her already counting the £ more than once ha, idk dgmw I would like to have an emergency / sinking fund in my personal account. £10k I think would be a great starting point, working towards £50k to cover emergencies but also elements of planned maintenance which could be gradually replaced without using credit or paying additional dividends, proper sinking fund for the house and for life. 

No, I definitely can’t clear the mortgage and spend an additional £2k a month. My wife doesn’t want us living as we are which is what it would take to clear the mortgage in the timeframe she would like me to. Realistically, as much as I would like to clear it rather than eventually use some of the funds being built in the SSAS or selling some of the BTLs to pay it off, it’s not very realistic. I get people on here saying but surely getting the mortgage paid is more important, on a fundamental level of course it is, but it’s something I’ve been mulling over and the most important thing is my wife’s happiness and she likes nice things.

Car wise I would prefer we stick with our plan to let both Mercedes lapse at the end of their contract hire terms and replace both with just the one car. We planned for that to be an EQS, not exactly a looker but they are lovely inside and waft along in near silence. Really peaceful car. She has decided that we should get another ‘Full Fat’ Range Rover instead, tbf the EQS drops in value at an alarming rate so the contract hire rates are high and we’ve no idea what the taxation of EVs will look like in a few years. Although I’d be quite pleased if I never had to sit in a Range Rover ever again, one of my clients has one very similar to my old one but with the diesel, I hate it parking outside my office. It sounds !!!!!! crazy for a car to be triggering but yeah I’d agree with your assessment there, it is, takes me back to nothing good memory wise. Just don’t suggest an X6 lol, idk why when you mentioned that way back I reacted in the way I did but I do still think of you when I see one.

MFWannabe

Have you explained to your wife how triggering the Range Rover is? 

How you need a focus after you’ve paid off the debts (not just to spend money) 
I think (correct me. If I’m wrong) a lot of what your wife wants is ‘for show’
The best thing you could do with the money is actually pay over your mortgage and that will also give you focus 
You could split the 2k 50/50, 1k spends/ savings  and  1k overpaying mortgage 

1k spends is a lot of money 

warby68

Don't get too obsessed with giving her all the spare money, one-sided living won't be good for her either. You owe her a better you far more than you owe her disproportionate spending power.

Show her the sums to do everything she wants against what's coming in - she just has to slow down a bit. A couple of biggish things a year not half a dozen.

We said goodbye to the X6 a while ago. You'll probably scoff even more at what we have now. I'll DM you as it might be a bit outing.

RelievedSheff

You have found a (mostly) happy medium with paying down the debt I'm sure you will be able to work out a happy medium with the "spare" funds once the debt has been repaid.

Sarahwithlove

I think the idea of 50/50 split is good. 1k a month for savings and Overpayment on mortgage and then 1k for her to save/spend for things she wants. Yes it will take longer for her to get everything she wants but your mental health is just as important as hers. 

alt80

@MFWannabe / @SarahwithloveShe knows I'd rather we stick with a Mercedes. 

No doubt that sort of split should be what I'm aiming for. I just don't want an argument or for her to be upset. The Love necklace has limited availability so already had to have the conversation with her that I will not be funding through a 0% purchase card/ loan from the business. If it's gone, it's gone. It'd look great on her tbf but I'm not getting into debt for it.

In her own words she doesn't see why she needs to economise (again) for me to clear my mortgage on our home.  

@warby68 She has been really good over this past couple of years and I know it is getting to her now. The past couple of times I've considered buying her a treat, she's said no and we should stick to the plan. 100% rightly so too but she is ready for it to all be done with now.

Too much time on her hands doesn't help, she spends a lot of time working out what to add to these lists, tbf it is at least really well considered these days. I've told her she needs a job, ha.

The Love alone is £14.9k so really it is just going to be a couple of bits, she's deluded thinking she'll get this lot in the year and I hope she does realise that. She can add it up and divide by £24k so I'm sure she knows; I don't want to be the one to burst her bubble yet again, would rather she has worked it out and deals with it in her own time / way.

@RelievedSheff Yeah, I'm still holding out a bit of hope she'll just decide she isn't that bothered about this stuff and I can leave it in the business account. 100% my preference is to never see this £24k pa or pay tax on getting it out again or if I have to get it out save up a sinking fund and start making inroads into reducing my mortgage.

daisy_1571

Must be lovely for her to live mortgage free in her half of the house with Lovely Things that the Present Pixie brings her.  I'm always glad the Present Pixie is just like Santa and there's no charge for the Lovely Things.  

Such a shame you have a big mortgage on your half, Alt.  Maybe listen to her more?  She has Lovely Things, doesn't pay for them and hasn't a mortgage,  she must have a few ideas what we are all doing wrong with our money each month.

Sorry, just felt a bit sarky there!  Your relationship, you love her, not my place to comment (even though I did!).  Keep doing what you are doing alt with the monthly funds but send £1000 over to her bank account each month.  Do what you want with your £1000, save it, invest it, overpay it, leave it in business.  Thats for you to decide.  She doesn't get to comment.  Shes a grown-up so flipping well treat her as such.  Ask her to please act her age -  if she wants to spend hers, save it, help overpay the mortgage, whatever, its hers but its £1000, no more, and it can only be spent once. And of course, you don't get to comment on what she does with it.  She's not some daft wee lassie who somehow thinks £2grand can do all the things she's trying to make out you should manage to do

Daisy xx