Moving on with things

uralmaid

I have read this thread for a long time now and Alt - you have come a long way.  The only thing I can't get my head around is your wife and her attitude.  Reading you latest posts about what she likes doing - "learning Tik Tok dances, makeup routines and constantly making lists of things she wants to buy - all of which are obviously instigated by the things she is watching and reading - if I didn't know better I would think she is a 20 year old not a Mum and Wife.  Unless she becomes more mature you are never going to have a good, healthy life balance as you will constantly striving to give her more and more and nothing will ever be enough.

daisy_1571

Hahaha, uralmaid, you've upped her age considerably than what I thought when I read that 🤣 😂 I thought oh I didn't realise you married a twelve year old alt 😅 😆 😄 😂.   Sorry alt, I think its lovely your wife lives in a world where people should pay her to paint their nails in a way that suits her rather than them and finds it hard when others expect things of her.  I can see why she loves it at home with you where she can simply do no wrong, ever.  Even when she's making you think its your fault you can't pay off the mortgage double quick as well as showering her with new land rovers (which you've repeatedly said is the one brand of car you don't want) and new what-ever -it-was that was going to cost 14grand.  No wonder your son thinks she's great, the pair of them are on the same page completely at the moment but one day he's going to grow up and out mature her.  I'm not sure that day is very far away.

However as I said before, she's your life choice and even if I don't feel its a terribly healthy relationship, thats completely beside the point as its your relationship and you must be getting something out of it.  Hopefully its slightly deeper than the surface pleasure you get from looking at her in her pricy shoes.

I still think you are sounding much happier these days and you are definitely going in the right direction.   Wishing you all the best in your continuing debt free and mortgage free journey.  I will still read along but im going to try not to post as I think you're doing great and you don't need my sarky comments on things that are actually none of my beeswax 😆 

Daisy xxx

crunchy_time

alt80 said:

@Scott_Weiland79 I mean when I'm dead. I miss elements of having a lifestyle, spending money guilt-free.Thank you for your advice mate. Tbf I would be advising someone else to do something very similar to what you are advising me to do, I have done in fact on here.

 

To answer your questions, I train at the gym, mix of weights and running. Not been for a few weeks tbf but I need to get back into it, holiday coming up soon ha.

I distanced myself from anyone my own age that I knew when I got serious about dealing with addiction. I do speak to a few business associates that have retired, sometimes they come to my office for a cup of tea. I used to have a good friend who has some classic cars. My wife takes my son to see them now but we do, from time to time, all go out with them.

I have had so much therapy I should not still have poor mental health but I do and it is not the fault of the therapy, it's my fault because I can't do the things you mention outside of nodding along and cannot build mental resilience with self care because I just don't care about myself. 

In recent months, I just get my hair cut, used to enjoy quite a few treatments but I'd rather the money go to my wife as she is very into beauty treatments.

I have a fairly extensive wardrobe, very little bought post-Covid. Tbh I tend to just get what I have repaired if need be. My wife still likes buying clothes and we are trying to spend less; clearing debts and not being reckless. 

@crunchy_time idk if it is the terminology that Ramit uses that I don’t like, tbf I think that has a lot to do with it. I find it revolting personally, him telling everyone, whilst profiting from it as a guru that they can have their “rich life” (yuk) if they only sacrifice everything but a couple of little things- absolute nonsense imo. Although, I’m pleased that you have found it helpful, generally I really dislike gurus. There’s a lot of them in the property space who do little other than take money off the vulnerable, deliver a poor quality “course” without any prerequisites setting most up to fail and using that money to pay their own way.

I don’t know anything about the American property market but know of others in the UK spouting similar rubbish. Where you live is the place you spend most time- would you advise your kids to spend it in someone else’s house if they could help it? As you know I’m a landlord and there is no better day than when one of my tenants buys their own home, I love seeing them move on from that stage, will never get old. 

Idk what it is about cars but there seems a lot of inverse snobbery around them on here and in the personal finance sector generally. No idea personally why you would want to be in a 10 year old Nissan less about others perception, more I’m sure you wouldn’t want to live in a council estate filled with furniture from Ikea and The Range if you had a better option - you and your family spend your time in both the car and the house. However, I agree that if it is right for you that is all that matters. 

Don’t think I’m knocking it for you, I’m pleased you have found something which works and you are happy with what you have and the spending power that amount brings. I will never have enough ha and don’t really have much of a future to live for personally. That’s not about money, it’s about having poor mental health that I am unable to shake off.

I definitely don’t see him as a guru. The book isn’t about sacrifice, more about empowerment and what you see as your rich life rather than comparison with others.  We decided we were holiday people rather than car people so worked out our proportions of money available to us to reflect this.  We could afford £1k a month to spend on a car but we don’t want to. Would rather spend £300 a month and £700 on holidays - which is our plan. I don’t notice the state of the car when I am in it ha ha so that isn’t applicable to me. 

Again the home ownership thing is about choice He is a millionaire and could afford a home out right but has chosen to rent. He talks about the on costs of home ownership like repairs being a lot and when you add this up it’s thousands. If you invest this money instead you can make money. He doesn’t have kids. It’s not for everyone and it’s a discussion point. I don’t see it as spouting off and making money off people. People can make their own choices. Some people can’t choose and will never be able to save up the deposit for a home even if they wanted to buy. Some people are happy living in their council houses with ikea furniture. 

But I don’t think people are going to decide he is a guru and follow what he says to the letter! I haven’t decided to sell my home and rent another one just for reading his book but his take did make me think.

its about deciding what is best for you.

If you are coming from a place of lack (nothing is ever enough) and you feel you don’t have much to live for and your only role in life is provide your wife with trinkets and a lifestyle because you feel you owe her for standing by some dark times, no wonder thinking about things like this will be difficult.

Your self worth is tied up in what you can provide for her. You are worth so much more than this. 

You need to find you or recreate you. Your wife and son will benefit from this so much more than you providing for them
materialistically. 

Im currently in therapy for some stuff about self worth and know that you do actually need to ‘do the work’ yourself rather than pay to chat to someone weekly. Can your ‘pros’ give you any homework so you can work on your self worth?

alt80

I thought that I would be really looking forward to ridding myself of the final card balance but I’m just getting increasingly anxious. Really not been well at all and it’s affecting my ability to do much at all. We’ve got our holiday coming up next month and my wife is wanting to buy some things for that. Before anyone makes comment about her, she has bought very little for holidays these past couple of years. I can’t say no. I just want the best for my wife and son, that’s all that keeps me going these days, trying to see them right. I thought that would be through looking towards providing them with long term security for once I’m gone but they want to enjoy life and I don’t want to stop them doing so.

RelievedSheff

Do you have an friends or family that you can talk to about what a healthy family relationship is?

mark55man

Hi @alt80 - I suggest you should say to your OH just get what she needs and neither of you worry too much about it.  In the scale of things £0 is just another number don't get fixed on it - with the tidal waves of incoming and outgoing you could add a few £K to that either side and you would still be all right.  I know what you really want to see is the CC in your rear view mirror but from where you are now a little less pressure on yourself is both healthy and OK.  Also all the earning/spending numbers are looking good for you so just try not to look too hard and let time take you over the boundary

In other words that most annoying question - "Are you nearly there yet" - well yes and the fact you have been steaming along at 70mph for most of the journey doesn't mean you can't slow down a little at the end of the journey.  Especially as you navigate your way into a new debt free way of life. 

I saw a good analogy in a thread a while ago about Apollo capsules and their reentry into the atmosphere - like with your DF target, you get the angle too steep and you burn up - you get the angle too shallow and you bounce off into space.  So a controlled descent is what you need, and pretty much what you have done, so don't phuq it up when you are so nearly landed.

Scott_Weiland79

RelievedSheff said:

Do you have an friends or family that you can talk to about what a healthy family relationship is?

Agreed I am very curious to see what your friends think of the relationship 

Bargainhunter30

I think you should trust her to spend and not go overboard. Maybe even discuss what is a reasonable holiday spend budget. She has already proven to you that she can cut back and doesn't need as much stuff. I don't think its unreasonable that she wants to buy a few bits for a holiday.

You need to learn to have healthy financial discussions with her and as a family, rather than you going down a rabbit hole every time money is mentioned and it affecting your mental health.

strawb_shortcake

Scott_Weiland79 said:

RelievedSheff said:

Do you have an friends or family that you can talk to about what a healthy family relationship is?

Agreed I am very curious to see what your friends think of the relationship 

Having followed Alts diaries the last couple of years (I've a new user name). I'm not sure that's particularly helpful, no one really knows what goes in a relationship and views of others are often with bias. 

There is no denying that Alt has provided over and above financially for his family, likewise his wife sounds like she is absolutely on top of everything in managing the house and  is a loving and attentive Mum. I don't imagine for a second the last few years have been easy on her either. 

Alt, your wife can treat herself for your holiday, and other times, but moderation and budgeting is needed by the vast majority of any household, and your wife isn't an exception. As much as the Cartier love necklace is rather nice, it's a huge amount of money. No one is failing in life as they don't have a spare £15k for a necklace lying about. 

We all make our choices in where we spend our money, private school is important to you and your wife, but that comes with consequences of money not being spent elsewhere (like Cartier)

Enjoy your holiday when you get there!

Sarahwithlove

Agree give her a budget to spend and that's what I'd suggest doing ongoing in future. If she wants something expensive then she can save for it. It will also help your son to understand budgeting as well