Moving on with things

alt80

Last week wound up being a difficult one. I didn't end up sorting the money out, I really wasn't very well wound up giving my wife my wallet and phone. It is my plan to sort out the balance payment tonight, pleased I'm through the other side without having spent anything. My son's school finished for summer Friday lunch and we went to centre parcs with my in-laws for the weekend. I was !!!!!! whacked as I’d stayed up all night watching the election results. Got back yesterday, tbh having a long weekend away from home, just forgetting about everything for a few days apart from my family has done me the world of good. 

I know that I need to get back on track with being kinder to myself and focusing more on my mental wellbeing- never anticipated my recovery journey being this way tbf I didn’t know or accept that some of the panic attacks and what the pros now believe is ocd could have been anything else than the effects of addiction. Always just thought if I could get off the stuff I’d be 100% normal, anyone who knows me well thinks I’m being a fool to myself thinking that probably idk. I am having trouble accepting that I’m just not performing as well as I did in business; I am significantly more reliant on my staff and need the time with my wife and son idk why, leads me to think that I am letting my wife down and I couldn’t even have got to where I am now had I been struggling like this when I was younger. 

@katsu I think you’re right, he’s had a great time this weekend with some other kids. We were thinking about letting him join a non-school kids football team. He does do tennis out of school locally but most kids are from his school as we live in what is basically a gated community within the city centre. Very hard to describe to anyone who doesn’t know around here tbh just sounds !!!!!! weird ha.

ladyholly

Recovery from illness/ addiction is never going to in a straight line no matter what the cause. Some days are ok, some are good and some will be B*****y awful.but gradually, vey gradually the good and ok days will increase. OCD will make things a bit harder but keep fighting life can be great and you can live well.You are doing really well and recognising when old habits are likely to overtake you. Giving your wife your wallet and phone was a good call.

alt80

@ladyholly I hope so. Tbh I keep somewhat giving up on life thinking if I can make myself dispensable by sorting a good income for life out for my wife, I can call it job done and just go quietly. I know it is no way to live and doesn’t work like that. I don’t want to leave my wife and son upset which is why I keep trying to get better. When I’m ok it is better for all of us, being able to do things as a family this weekend was amazing.  

stymied

@alt80 You’ve come further than you realise. Despite feeling rotten you went on the preplanned weekend away, you didn’t cancel or stay home by yourself like you might have done in the past, you went and even allowed yourself to enjoy it. Worth reflecting on.

Yup, getting older isn’t fun. I’m only mid forties and I swear my brains have turned to mashed potato!

alt80

June 24

Card Balances

CC1 ………………….........................................……….£7,685 (0% for 12 months)

CC2 ………………………..........................................….£0 (Cleared)

CC3…………………………............................................£0 (Day-to-day card)

CC4 ………………………….......................................... £0 (Bye!)

Total Card Balance…………..........................................£7,685

Total Reduction in June….£2,650

I knew that this was the month that the balance would drop well under £10k. I was avoiding it, !!!!!! mental but I can’t remember a time since I was a student that I didn’t owe less than five figures on cards apart from for just over a month when I refinanced my residential btls to pay off credit cards. I would like to prove to myself that I can be sensible with money I don’t have to justify to my accountant but as it gets closer it’s becoming increasingly unsettling idk why.

@stymied I hadn’t even considered staying at home but you’re right, prior to 2021 I outright refused to go each year. 100% I ranted on here about going three years ago but ended up enjoying the time with my boy, have fond memories of that trip anyhow. Getting serious about my personal finances and getting clean has changed me idk why. A lot of the time I wonder why my wife wants to stay with me like this, it’s one of the reasons I sort the house out of an evening, make myself as useful as I can be in return for her being here.

daisy_1571

Its unsettling because its not what you are used to.  The brain likes what it knows even if what it knows is bad for it.  Youre going into uncharted waters for you.  However (continuing that analogy) you were in uncharted waters a week ago, a month ago, 6 months ago.  And you're doing fine.  Turn round and see just how far into these uncharted waters you are.  You are charting new waters every day and doing great.  Making good decisions and creating great memories,  acknowledging days/hours/occasions that might cause a problem and dealing with it in advance.   You aren't doing that for your diary.   You're doing it because you are more comfortable making decisions that align with what you want out of life.

Nothing wrong with relying on staff.  Its what you pay them for and if you didn't need them, you wouldn't have employed them.  Nothing wrong with needing to spend time with family.  Its hopefully what a good family would do for any of us.  Its your turn now.  In the past or at some point In the future one of them will need you and it will be your job to support them.  Thats how it works in a healthy functioning 👪 

Daisy xx

RelievedSheff

That card balance is looking great. Won't be long before it is gone.

 

alt80

First decent nights sleep in a while. I feel so much better for it than when I just hardly sleep. The insomnia really affects my thoughts I know that but struggle to control it. 

@daisy_1571 yeah I think you’re right about it just being familiar. I’ve always struggled with needing others but it’s something that I’ve been working on. The view of myself hasn’t caught up with the positives like my team working better together and others winning work rather than it all being on me. Likewise with family, I love spending time with them but my head tells me it makes me a failure as I’m with them rather than doing something productive.

@RelievedSheff I’m on track with my target of it being cleared in November. I should be buzzing about that, just idk a bit lost ha.

lucielle

We both felt a bit out of sorts when we cleared our debts, so don’t think you’re alone feeling like that. 

L

Cherryfudge

I wonder if the better sleep is an after-effect of a relaxing weekend? Possibly your body took a few days to wind down to the point where good sleep could happen.

And I think the mixed feelings over finishing paying off the credit cards is not as unusual as you'd imagine. It signals a change of direction, and change is often a challenge, particularly when you've been so focussed. My best suggestion is to line up another challenge rather than feeling you are getting to a cliff edge then stopping abruptly. I think the sudden availability of money may be a problem (as in temptation), and so might the lack of something to target. Perhaps have a pension target, or a donation target, or set up savings for your wife or son?