Moving on with things

MFWannabe

alt80 said:

My wife said to me this evening that if I get my head sorted out, the remaining card balance gone and just stop worrying about the future we could have a really nice lifestyle again. Not thought about spending money for a while but perhaps rather than putting the £400 from the number plate to the card balance letting my wife put it with the July £300 clothing allowance so she can add a pair of Louboutin’s to her little collection that she’s been looking at for a while might be nice for her. Idk wouldn’t even think about it a few years back, I would have bought them for her one weekend. These days though we are better off no doubt but it’s all being very strict about keeping to a budget. 

It’s probably looking through rose tinted glasses at the past but it’s hard not to look at old photos and realise why people do ask on occasion if everything is ok nowadays. I have a photo up in my office it is actually a photo of my wife but it’s outside my old house at its best angle, what was pushing £300k of cars parked on the drive tbf I was at my worst addiction and spending wise but I sort of missed it all today or perhaps missed not being a !!!!!! anxiety ridden wreck, thought I was someone back then. Actually drove by my old house for the first time since moving tonight probably shouldn’t have and it was looking at that photo for probably idk 20 minutes that made me do it. Probably not helped by my wife suggesting maybe getting another Range Rover either idk. No doubt where we live now is a better location, in many ways the house itself is better for having been modernised but my old place had the sort of presence the seven figure places have in here.

Going by your first sentence I would say she wants you to pay it off the card? 🤔 
Keep reading your first sentence x 

RelievedSheff

I agree with MFwannabe. Your wife would much rather the balance was paid off the cards.

You can have a great lifestyle as a family once your debts are paid down. I know you are being super strict with the budget at the moment but you won't need to do that forever. You are in the fortunate position that you will have a lot of spare in the budget for clothing, mini breaks, presents, days out, holidays, etc.

You will find that balance between spending and saving. You need to trust yourself to do it though.  

alt80

Pretty much passed out exhausted last night and anxious as hell this morning. Idk why I drove round to my old house last night or tbf why I’m thinking fondly of the pre Covid days, it wasn’t all fantastic but at least I had some self worth, wasn’t !!!!!! mentally ill and constantly worrying about the future financially. Idk whether it’s been worth it. I am glad I don’t have massive personal debts but do wonder if it has been worth the cost to my health.

Cherryfudge

I'm not sure why the drives past your old house are worrying me, but they are. The exhaustion is a substantial contributor to your mental health issues, and I think possibly you're driving yourself too hard to fill the waking hours. That's all making you more vulnerable to some sort of lapse or relapse - yet you're too anxious to relax. However, you've had times when you've been better, so the potential is there.

Anxiety is really horrible and dominates everything, so I really feel for you. Have you identified grounding activities with your pros?

The thing about time is that it goes in only one direction. You may feel that going back would be nice, but putting yourself back in that space or situation wouldn't be the same as it was then, because other things have moved on.

Your self worth seems to be about how you feel others perceive you, but honestly, those of us who read your diary see someone with courage and strength to get this far and keep on making the right choices. Also someone who undoubtedly has business skills and has used those to benefit staff and customers, and who cares a lot for his family and has provided them with a lovely home and many advantages.

daisy_1571

Yup, hope you can identify whats wrong in your own particular circumstances however I think you'll find this is part of the recovery process?   Its why people relapse to whatever they are recovering from, why people go back to abusive partners, why they put themselves back into awful work situations etc.   Its something to do with  the brain recognising the 'old' situation as familiar or normal.   So even though it was dire, somehow the brain thinks it would be more comfortable to replicate the situation. 

Power on through, keep to your new resolutions, dont go back to thinking a new pair of ridiculously expensive shoes is a 'treat'  (she has shoes, she only has 1 pair of feet (I assume lol),  its not her birthday and she's a grown up person who doesn't need a treat for doing life). 

Anyway,  you know the best present you can give you her and your laddie is being debt free.  Wait till then when a small splurge will actually mean something and feel justified.  I don't think you'll feel good about this purchase for more than moment or two then it will just add to your guilt.  She has actually said to you in words what she wants - debts gone, you thinking rationally, you both enjoying the present (which will be very comfortable) and not worrying about imagined future.    

Hopefully this is read in the supportive way intended, keep going, this too will pass.

Daisy xx

PS  Oh and some shoes aren't 'a collection' lol, they are shoes.  Theres an argument that would say if you have more than a pair of work shoes, good shoes, trainers and slippers then they are 'excess stuff' whilst you have debt.  

Cherryfudge

Wise words @daisy_1571. I might slightly disagree on one thing though - even more important to your family than being debt free is you, being there for them. Not even doing things for them and providing for them, but the fact you care for them and put their interests high in your priorities.

alt80

@Cherryfudge Yeah I'm whacked, don't really do a lot other than work, go to the gym and look after the house though so I'm hardly driving myself too hard these days. Tbh I've not won any meaningful levels of new business for many years, we've kept adding small amounts of work along the way but the past couple of years two of my senior staff have been instrumental to that too. The business just ticks along which, of course, I am grateful for - it could be a lot worse. Although I wish I could move things onto the next level, I can't - I'm just completely !!!!!! knackered all the time. It's no way to drive forwards.

I do a lot of work with the pros; breathing exercises and the like. Tbf it works for me sometimes but other times I just don't apply myself to actively managing what is wrong with me. I thought the anxiety/ panic would all just go away once I was clean for a meaningful amount of time, tbf I am x50 worse when I'm hardly sleeping. That tends to also be when I neglect staying on the path I do know that. Managed to stop punching things so hard I wind up in A&E though so let's call that a win, ha.  

I suppose how I used to live my life wasn't sustainable and back then I did like the image too much and had too much of an ego. Things have moved on. A lot for the better so far as my family is concerned, don't get me wrong but I make myself ill with worry about how my wife would cope financially if I died. It's something I think about pretty much everyday and a lot of the reason I do push myself to go to the gym. I have worked out if I can stay on the path and stay alive another 10 years or so it doesn't matter at all beyond that. She doesn't take it that seriously when I do talk to her about what she needs to do so idk if she has fully listened. Rn after the initial shock etc. she'd probably be better off in every other way but the thought of her struggling financially !!!!!! consumes me.

How others perceive me is nothing I can do anything about. What kills me is wanting to give my family the best but not having got there and being so !!!!!! now that I cannot see a way to getting back onto that track to growth because I'd have to sort my head out first and that's so !!!!!! I'm not sure anything can be done.

@daisy_1571 I'm still on the path mate. As for my wife, yeah she has one pair of feet, haha. She deserves little treats, looking after me which she shouldn't feel she needs to. She's had these shoes in her wishlist for 2 months tbh I hate that I even have to think about this stuff, it's £700 I should be able to just treat her to. I will still have to keep to a budget when the card balances have been paid off: if I don't, I will just wind up with more card balances in the future and possibly in the long term having to sell off my other property to keep us in our home if I don't keep a grip on my finances to get my home paid off (whatever method, what matters is the loan is eradicated by the time I get a knock asking for the monies owed). Point is it doesn't really matter whether I am debt free so far as the personal unsecured debts go or not really in terms of spending day to day.

daisy_1571

Cherryfudge said:

Wise words @daisy_1571. I might slightly disagree on one thing though - even more important to your family than being debt free is you, being there for them. Not even doing things for them and providing for them, but the fact you care for them and put their interests high in your priorities.

Agreed  

Dxx

alt80

Well the football wasn’t great, I can’t see England progressing much further tbh. Hear what you’re saying on here and I think I need to just clear the additional from the number plate sale off the card really. From having spoken to her this evening I don’t think she even appreciates me buying her gifts apparently still reminds her of the peaks of my addiction because I used to buy her a lot of stuff then. I was hoping that she would move on from that train of thought.

Things are tough rn, my mindset isn’t very good idk if things ever can be more consistently positive - I would like to spend more time with my family and just focus more on my wife, son and my health but it makes me feel like a failure. Especially when my son is still wanting to follow his mate to this school. Last conversation we had he essentially said that it’s my fault that we are not more wealthy, shouldn’t be tripped off by a child I know that much but he’s not wrong.

Baileys_Babe

On the flip side, if it wasn't for you your family wouldn't be as wealthy as they are now.