Moving on with things

warby68

Don't worry too much about your son and the school. They all want to copy their friends. If another friend leaves for a state school he'll probably want to go there as well. We were the same as you. Could afford our school (just) but never one of the 40/50k ones but to be honest I don't think I'd have wanted it. Its a different ballgame altogether.

Your boy is probably just a little spoilt, perhaps not in money now but in entitlement. He will mature but if its physical lashing out then yes get a little help with that. It does need knocking on the head.

While there are a lot of thoughts still troubling you, your sense of proportion on them seems far more balanced now. Two years is quite something. For some reason I though it was just over 1. Time has behaved strangely since covid. I feel like we all lost a couple of years somewhere. On the weather, the older I get the more it directly affects my mood. The lack of sunshine is a big thing to be honest.

RelievedSheff

Well done on reaching two years. That is some achievement. You should be proud.

Just look at how far you have come in that two years. 

daisy_1571

Gosh your diary always throws up interesting points to ponder and some of the deeper life questions.

if I really wanted to do something and hadn't any idea about why I'm not getting to go it might manifest as thinking there's no reason other than the whole world hates me and my parents are denying me THE ONLY THING I've ever wanted just cos they are horrible.   Its hard to judge the right balance. 

Children don't really have an in depth understanding of money, how hard it is to get it, how easy it is to spend it in a nanosecond compared to length of time to earn it.  Thats just how it is.  If we are lucky as children most parents earn and spend and budget and provide and do all the boring grown up stuff behind the scenes without us being aware in any way and, again if we are lucky, things around the house including warmth, bedding, food, cleanliness etc all appear magically.  So while we might understand on the surface and mathematically it often takes years of working before we  realistically understand that we now have to do the boring juggling and planning.

Its up to you how much to share with him about your family finances, especially bearing in mind hes likely to tell at least some of it to friends and other school friends, as he may not have the emotional maturity to keep his own counsel, especially since at the moment the reason is stopping him from doing what he currently wants.  Knowing the relative costs might help him see that there are always choices.  Always choices.  No matter how rich somebody is.  If you can, perhaps be wary of passing on any sense of shame about not being able to afford it.  Otherwise you are teaching him anyone poorer than you should be ashamed of themselves.   

Definitely agree that he needs to discuss why he feels the correct way to deal with being thwarted is hitting out whether that be physically or emotionally.   He will benefit from learning how to accept and deal with these feelings in a socially acceptable way otherwise life is going to be hard for him in the next few years.  We all need to learn how to deal with disappointment, other people being annoying, life not going our way etc and generally that's an easier lesson the earlier we learn it. Teaching him resilience is one of the best things you can do as a parent as it will stand him in good stead all his life.

I'm sure you have also reckoned with the fact a fee paying school like that will undoubtedly bring you all into contact with families where you and he will be richer than some but very much be the poor relation to others and there will be all sorts of added donations, school uniforms, clubs, societies, things expected to do during holidays etc.  Its not just the fees.

My last point again I'm sure you also know.  If going to such a school was absolutely the key to a golden future where he will be happy and fulfilled every day of his life im sure you would do whatever it takes to send him there.  You know that's not true.  Lots of people at these schools find its the most miserable years of their life, lots dont get the marks they need to do the next high pressure education,  lots dont get the big paying jobs.  If money and private schooling guaranteed success you wouldn't find the news full of rich people who are desperately sad, bankers crumbling under pressure to have it all, rock starsl loved and admired who do drugs and booze to escape, some who permanently escape life, footballers in court over inappropriate 'relationships', marriages that break up.  Why aren't these people all blissful and glowing every minute of the day?   

You know from your own experience having it all on the outside doesn't mean a thing.

Good luck with it all, I can understand having enough money to almost be able to do everything in a way is harder than not enough money so no choice but the local school. 

Daisy xx

alt80

It’s been my wife’s turn to make a Sunday roast and a cake for father’s day today. Both were very much enjoyed, and apart from that we've had a quiet day at home, just waiting for the football now. I fancy our chances against Serbia but not sure how far we’ll get. Would be nice to see 3:1 tonight, wife reckons 2:1 which is probably more likely and son who is always stupidly optimistic about England’s abilities reckons we’ll beat Germany’s 5:1 win with 6:0. Only a 10 year old can have that optimism lol. FIL on the other hand is convinced we’re going to lose by a goal. 

@stymied He is a good kid and cares a great deal about others, he just hits out when he’s angry. He punched a kid at school recently, tbf the kid had said some !!!!!! horrible things about my wife and I. At that age I’d have done the same it’s just kid stuff, although it is frustrating, idk it’s like the !!!!!! teenage years have come three years early rn with him. Tbf he hasn’t hit my wife for years and I’ve told him that if he’s angry he can punch me and get it out of his system. I’d rather he just get the anger out rather than brooding on it, he’ll grow out of it.

@warby68 ha, that’s 100% true, he would tbf. Yeah the £40-50k places are definitely a different ballgame within a league I’ve no !!!!!! chance of being promoted to really. My wife has this idea in her head if we could get him in one for the last few years he might meet some Russian oligarch’s daughter, or her favourite potential daughter in law, Princess Charlotte. Watching them on the balcony, my wife is sat there telling our son he and Charlotte could be the next Pookie and Jet, ha. She seems to think she and Kate would be best mates and they’d be some !!!!!! little girls gang of her, Kate and Charlotte doing each other’s makeup, playing football with the grandkids in Kensington Palace and sharing Hermes bags, that’s the dream apparently. She can be really !!!!!! immature at times, doesn’t help things sometimes and now he likes this idea of work being picking what pair of Lucchese’s he’s wearing and telling Charlotte she’s looking quintessentially fire tonight lol fml. I yet again have to be the one to burst both their bubbles, all my fault that my son will most likely never even meet Princess Charlotte lol. I make light of it but there is a part of me that wonders if my wife has a point for those last couple of years if I could just stretch to affording it what kind of connections he would make.

I definitely agree re time since Covid. On one hand it really doesn’t feel two years and on the other it feels like ten. Idk if it’s getting older or because I am in recovery but the lack of sun also really affects my mood; always did to an extent, I’ve always liked the sun but these days even more so. Have days I wonder if my parents got it right !!!!!! off away from the UK whilst we were still in the EU.

@RelievedSheff Thank you. The fact I struggle with it doesn’t mean I’m not proud of my being in recovery - I am. It was a very long time coming and there have been times I know I would have slipped had I not taken some pretty drastic changes to get rid of the people I surrounded myself with and some other lifestyle aspects that did me no favours. I am proud of that and of my family and especially of my wife who did some work on herself and still supports me today. 

@daisy_1571 I know where you are coming from re looking at it from that kind of point of view. Unfortunately as a kid my sister and I weren’t really shielded at all from the realities of money sometimes being harder to come by than it is to spend. If we wanted stuff apart from when my mum would pocket all the takings and take us to London to spend big once a year, we had to earn the cash. Tbf we never went without food and my mum was cleaning obsessed but both my sister and I were !!!!!! scared to answer the door for years, our part of the house was all threadbare carpets and never warm, it was !!!!!! ice on the inside of the windows cold in the winter. We all want better for our kids, my mum and dad told me stories of being hungry and tin baths from their childhoods so to them what they gave my sister and I was a massive improvement and likewise I’d like to think my son has it better than I did. Not sure it’s marrying Princess Charlotte better, my Mrs is hoping there I think.

He is aware that we don’t own our home unencumbered and that things cost money and in the case of any type of loan they don’t come for free. He also knows that his grandparents are not wealthy but I doubt he has understood those things impact where he can go to school. I have said to him it is very expensive which seems to have made him all the more interested ha. 

At his current school it’s not ‘just the fees’ so yeah I know very well the type of commitment that sort of school would be and it is a commitment I can’t make. I would imagine apart from some very clever kids who will be top achievers academically, we would almost certainly be the ‘poor relation’. My son isn’t a top achiever academically and I’d imagine they probably stick together. All I want is him happy. I genuinely don’t care what job he has or the amount of money he makes so long as he is happy although I do think a work ethic is important. My wife does want him to ‘marry up’ for want of a better phrase but not at the expense of his happiness, she’s said to me that she’d rather him marry a girl from a council estate if she would make him happy everyday and the rich man’s daughter wouldn’t. We are both very well aware money cannot buy happiness or peace of mind. Wish it could, it’s easier to come by.

RelievedSheff

I drew England in the works sweepstake so want them to do well in the tournament 😀

Most likely I just chucked £2 down the drain though 🤣🤣🤣

alt80

@RelievedSheff my Mrs says you only want to draw the England women's team in the sweepstake. Tbf she's right. My dad has got €500 on France, and for some reason my sister has joined in with £250 on Germany, I'm leaving them to it.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@RelievedSheff my Mrs says you only want to draw the England women's team in the sweepstake. Tbf she's right. My dad has got €500 on France, and for some reason my sister has joined in with £250 on Germany, I'm leaving them to it.

Don't blame you.

I'm only £2 in 🤣🤣🤣

alt80

@RelievedSheff £2 is just a bit of fun - I'd do a sweepstake if I had enough staff too. My dad is just an idiot and idk why my sister has joined in at all.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@RelievedSheff £2 is just a bit of fun - I'd do a sweepstake if I had enough staff too. My dad is just an idiot and idk why my sister has joined in at all.

There are a few hardened gamblers at work.

Something that hads never bothered me. Have a flutter on any sweepstakes we do at work and on the Grand National but other than that don't bother.

Mugs game. There is only ever one winner.......

alt80

Another rubbish night’s sleep, it does me no favours starting the day whacked. Well it turns out none of us were right about the football, glad it was a win though.

@RelievedSheffYou're absolutely right that it's a mugs game mate, one of my staff falls into that hardened gambler category, it makes me cringe. I've mentioned my dad's background on here before, tbf it is probably something I have always sought to avoid for that reason. A lot of the stories told without the full context are funny tbf and I shouldn't judge anyone's choices, I know. There have been a lot of times both my sister and I have sent money to our parents, they'll tell us they are really struggling but my dad still loses a lot gambling - I didn't know until very recently when I found out they also receive pensions from the UK and Greece alongside income from their business, so whilst they don't have a lot they should not be struggling to pay their way either. Whilst I'll happily take them on holiday, I will not transfer money to them now. Probably sound a bit of a killjoy but I'm disappointed in both of them, €500 is a lot of money to my parents and my sister used to be very frugal but has become quite reckless with money since she and her husband paid off their mortgage. She reckons I'm just envious of them having no debt, I'm actually made up for her but a bit concerned, it's not like her.