Moving on with things

alt80

I can’t believe England has managed to get through to the Euros final. Think we can all dare to hope again now. Had a night off everything with the football being on, diet out of the !!!!!! window, no gym, my wife did the cleaning during my working hours she says I need to have time to relax more idk. Haven’t had a drink throughout the tournament and actually enjoyed it more for just making some nice fruit mocktails and sparkling tea we can all enjoy together as a family.

@Lucille yeah it’s a strange feeling seeing the end (of the unsecured anyway). Idk my wife doesn’t understand why I am having trouble with this. I think it’s just been a lifelong habit of poor decisions. My in laws brought it up when we were away fishing for information really but they were really kind when I told them I will all being well have no unsecured debt at the end of November for the first time in my adult life. I am proud to have got this far it’s just really odd.

@Cherryfudge idk, I’ve stopped even trying to understand my poor sleep habits. It would be life changing if I could get a grip on it. The odd week I don’t have any trouble with sleeping I know I am much less negative and better focused without being !!!!!! severely anxious and paranoid. 

I think a part of what I am finding so difficult is that I had eyes on the £50k emergency fund challenge and realised people’s views on here were right and I couldn’t unsee that now so I don’t have a challenge to work towards. I will simply not take my money out of the business in the first place so I will not !!!!!! up. My wife is making me a bit anxious as she has been suggesting us having goals of some very expensive holidays, new kitchen & bathroom fittings, cars, holiday home etc. tbf she wants to save for them (well just a deposit for the holiday home of course). I can’t do it, I just want to get to a point I know she would be ok without me. 

alt80

The sleep was nowhere near so good as the night before, really !!!!!! notice it this morning. There is (again) something going around at work, wouldn’t say I’m really ill this time but I am a bit under the weather and my son had me up. He is still struggling with allergies tbf I’m not sure he was that bad or still buzzing about the football and wanted a !!!!!! chat. Not that I want to go back to not giving a !!!!!! but now I do look after my family the best I can it does seem to take up headspace. 

Anyway I need to get on, not spend any money (not easy during school hols with my wife ha) and try to have the best day I can.

RelievedSheff

Nothing wrong with having plans for holidays and new kitchens and bathrooms etc. You will be able to save up for them in now time once your unsecured is all repaid. 

Perhaps they could be your next targets? A kitchen fund and a bathroom fund.

We have covid going round the office at the minute. I've started feeling a bit "off" this morning while I have been at work. Can't quite put my finger on what it is but something doesn't feel quite right. Hopefully it is nothing. 

daisy_1571

To address one of the worries you keep coming back to, the way they will be safest is to not have loads of debts coming out the woodwork when sorting the aftermath of your going.  You are dealing with that by being honest about your money situation and by paying off all the unsecured debt.  Next will be working on the mortgages but they are in hand to be paid off in the fullness of time and your family only actually need one house to live in so should the worst happen and the business can't service them, assets can be sold off.  Remember you might go tomorrow,  you might go in 10 years, you might both be pensioners so you are trying to fully address and fix an unknown.  Also remember you have no idea what their lives will look like going forward. Think back to your lives a year ago, 10 years ago, 30 years ago.  Not everything we plan for happens as we imagine.  They might stay in that house, downsize, move abroad, move in with her parents for a while, buy a narrow boat and live there or in a gypsy caravan lol, etc.  So all you can do is keep doing what you are doing and im sure they will be grand (apart from missing you and talking about the good memoriesof course).

Its perfectly normal to want to upgrade kitchens and bathrooms.   They are the hardest working rooms in the house but sadly also the most expensive.   Holidays are lovely to look forward to, go on and enjoy the memories later.

Only you two can decide which to have.  As someone once said, you can have anything, you just can't have everything.   So plan now what your priorities are.  General non specific savings, genuine emergency fund, particular holidays, a general holiday fund, realistic cost of kitchen including building works or trades from fittings all the way down to door handles paint and wallpaper, same for bathroom.   Once you have an idea of actual costs and what each of your priorities are, you will have a plan to work towards.  So some money can go to one year/short term plan.  Some to two year/longer term.  Whatever you call them or classify them will make sense to you.

When there's conflicting goals its handy to use a percentage system which then means you don't need a discussion every month.  Decide if you prefer to save whatever is left at the end of the month (risky if you get to end month and there's nothing left) or if you decide on an amount and you treat it just like a bill to be paid (better for longer term meeting the goals but can make you feel skint all the time even though you have plenty money in the bank). This amount is your allocated money.

So you might both decide you want £10grand in a 'dont-touch-it-this-is-just-for-a-real-emergency-fund' before you think about other goals.  So 100% of allocated money would go there till you have reached your target then you might have the next plan already agreed, you might need to discuss again.

Or you might say mortgages are most pressing so 50% of allocated amount goes to that.  25% goes towards holidays, 10% goes to bathroom, 10% to kitchen and 2.5% goes to each of you as personal fun money for purchases or savings to do whatever you want with.  (I appreciate you may not want access to that day to day but you can buy premium bonds for example, minimum of £25 so you could put them in there.  You can cash them in and the money will be in your bank within a week to 10 days so still accessible but giving you a bit thinking time.)   You can make the percentage as simple or complicated as suits.

With specic targets to save for, beleive me, you will find it just as compelling as paying down debt but this time the figures grow instead of get smaller and its your money    its not disappearing away to service debts for things you have forgotten you even bought.

Its scary to be going forward like this but it was scary deciding to pay off your debts and look at you now casually discussing a November debt free date   

Dxx

enthusiasticsaver

I think as you say you like to have a challenge to focus on so maybe the thought of no debt in November and effectively that challenge finished it is inevitable you may feel directionless. Also your wife throwing out ideas for things to spend on may be triggering for you given you have had a few leaner years so the debt could be repaid and the thought of spending may be worrying you that you may return to the profligate years. I don’t think you will as you have shown you can be disciplined.

Going forward I agree with @daisy_1571 that prioritising is the way to go and saving up for things. Whether it is new kitchen/bathrooms, emergency savings, holidays or mortgage overpayments they key is budgeting and planning so you don’t get over committed by trying to do too much at once. 

alt80

@RelievedSheff I keep hearing a new variant of Covid is back too, few of my staff haven't been too well recently. 

I can't say I love living with someone else's fit out, rn this place is bothering me a little more than it should. Every place I've bought was in a bad way when I bought it so I got to work right away whereas we have done very little to this house. I miss the fittings I chose in my old place tbh I sort of feel like I'm renting this house - it's still someone else's iykwim. It's in good order and there's no need to tear it apart but whilst the fittings are better than average quality, the kitchen is not up to the job I had done in my old place. I notice it every time I walk in the room, it looks great from two or three paces but they skimped on the carcasses and cupboard doors. All the built in appliances are top quality but no matter how many times they are cleaned it's still someone else's. I haven't lived with someone else's appliances since I was a student, didn't bother me then of course but now idk it all just seems a bit dirty no matter how much it's cleaned. I know it’s ridiculous, just can’t sort my head out. Equally, I don't want to get myself into further debt to fund works that doesn't really need doing and I can't face thinking about how long saving for it will take - !!!!!! years. Idk with hindsight perhaps I should have stuck to what I know and bought an old wreck.

@daisy_1571 With hindsight and all the !!!!!! analysis I've done of it, I'm well aware I'm done, have been for a long time. I'm not saying there are no happy moments, my little family do bring me moments of joy but I don't think I can fully recover, sort my head out and get back to climbing the levels. Whilst I am grateful for what I do have and know it is more than most have, I am stuck. I rely more on others because my mental health is shot and just do what I can to keep revenue consistent and the money flowing in. When I accepted I was an addict, I believed it was 'just' that I needed to reliably stop using and everything would fall into place and I'd be ready to go again. I didn't really believe what the pros were telling me about chronic stress/ burnout, I convinced myself my problems with anxiety etc. would go away once I had a reasonable amount of time in recovery. I wanted to believe I could get through this and I wasn't just on the scrap heap. I do everything I can for my family but I can't bring what I promised I would and it !!!!!! breaks me, my wife and boy deserve the world. 

@enthusiasticsaver I won’t go back to spending money certainly not on myself, I know that much. I have tried being kinder to myself and allocating something but I just end up giving my wife a little extra so she can get a little more. You’re right about feeling !!!!!! directionless, although I think I do know what I need to do- not get it out of the business into my account in the first place and use it towards the SSAS, stop thinking the way I am about this house and resign myself to getting on with doing what I need to do rather than being impulsive. Suppose I struggle with the idea of “taking less” (not really, just doesn’t hit my bank account now) and the realisation that my own life is done to give longer term security to my family (should be worth it).

daisy_1571

tbh I'm not actually sure they deserve 'the world'.  Look at people who have 'the world'.  Lots of very high earners who could give someone 'the world' dont seem happy.   What you are doing now will bring you happiness but more importantly contentment so keep going.   That feeling is more likely to come from doing a good job, fulfilling.   Dont take that away from them by trying to give it to them.  External stuff doesn't bring lasting contentment.   Let them have that feeling for themselves.  They deserve what you are currently giving them, a father who is 'present', security,  fun, laughter etc etc

I completely understand re one aspect of the house.  My house is very grownup, classy, high end to my mind.  Tasteful creams and neutrals.  Good quality fittings so no need to replace them.  But its not me.  We did carefully take out the fancy induction cooker oven things (and of course we passed them on to someone didn't just chuck them) and put our own pink aga style one in but other than that its someone elses taste.  We cant afford to replace more of the big stuff, plus we know we will be selling in a few years so a bit silly taking out stuff that will appeal to a broader market to put our ridiculous colourful stuff in.   I have however recently discovered removable vinyl.  Game changer!  I put just 3 little a4 samples onto 3 large white tiles at the sink in the ensuite just a white background with dots of various colours.  Heehee!  That's made the whole room feel more like our taste.  I know thats not your issue but I understand where your coming from re tastes. 

I've never bothered about it being someone else's re feeling its not clean.  As soon as its in my house I feel its mine so I wouldn't feel the need to change perfectly good bathroom suites or kitchens for that reason like some people do so sorry, can't help you there.

Keep on keeping on tho mate, you're doing the hard stuff, changing your mindset, takes time.

RelievedSheff

I fully get where you are coming from with the living with things that are to someone else's taste rather than your own.

We were lucky with the last house that the chap we bought it from had gone through it all, new kitchen, bathroom and decorating, but had done it in a style we would have chosen anyway. 

Similarly with the new build we are in now. We bought it at a late stage so we didn't get to choose anything in it but it is all stuff we would have chosen anyway with the exception of the work surface in the kitchen but we can change that if we feel the need.

Personally I would live with the house as it is for 12-24 months before making any changes. You can get a feel for how you use the house then.

warby68

If I were in your shoes I would avoid cliff edges altogether and get started now on a saving/spending plan for your next priority even if this means slowing the debt repayment slightly. It will mean you can shift/split your focus a little voluntarily rather than being 'forced' to once there is no debt but still a significant surplus burning a hole and, no doubt, tempting you in one more extreme way or another. Its all part of the balance to me. The narrower the swings  the less chance you have of falling for an extreme, be it mood or spending or bad habits. I'm not sure if I'm explaining well. I'm trying to say that you can avoid the feeling of being cast adrift by allowing your financial plans to overlap. Prudently, it also gives you 'practice' holding/spending cash albeit at lower levels so you can see how safe you actually are once the debt repayment money is freed up.

Of course, planning a spending project or just some general relaxation of the purse strings should have some joy attached too, again you can get used to that. Having things you've been looking forward to start to take shape is rewarding. You don't have to be all in on one single thing. You can finance the future AND live a bit.

alt80

The place that came up for sale not so long ago is now back on the market. Too much to simply sell up here and move on but if I were to sell this place and most of my BTLs with the amount the government would rob in tax I could probably just about get in and not borrow additional funds over what we have here or just sell a couple and borrow more. There is also a !!!!!! lovely old wreck that could be something very special, would need a similarly large liquidation of the assets I do have and a tonne of money spending on it to do a decent job and also a place that tbh I don't think I could buy even if I sold this place, the BTLs and my office premises. I'm not even sure I do have buyers regret really just started to think maybe there could be another house if I wasn't so !!!!!! concerned with a larger mortgage / keeping all the BTLs. Idk, my wife is pretty against moving, she !!!!!! hates me bringing it up and isn't too fussed about getting the works done to this place that quickly either just she does want to do them at some point.

@daisy_1571 I understand where you are coming from, can't say it is working for me however, ha. 

You've done the right thing if you're selling soon - better to appeal to a wide range of potential purchasers if your own style is less popular.

Tbf I know the cleanliness aspect is ridiculous, I'll go on holiday, stay in hotels etc. so, yeah I do know it shouldn't be a problem to me.

@RelievedSheff Tbf, there is little difference in the style we would choose and what is here, so iswyacf also. 

@warby68 iswyacf although it really doesn't matter as I am just not going to take the money in the first place if there are no concrete plans. I won't be spending any additional money on anything.