Moving on with things

alt80

I’ve just read something that really made me think that I should not be so miserable about my own life and pretty !!!!!! shameful that I am when others just have some awful hands dealt to them. Unfortunately I just can’t sort my head out, I should be happy with my lot, focusing on getting debt free and on my little family rather than !!!!!! worrying about seeking more all the time. A few people have said that I should just settle a bit, enjoy my days with my family and not !!!!!! obsess over chasing more all the time.

warby68

Do you mean you will reduce your drawings once the debt is repaid? 

How will Mrs Alt take it if debt repayment does not produce at least some relaxation regarding spending?

I'm not sure how it will feel in your headspace either if clearing your unsecured debt results in not very much tangible benefit at all? Not saying go mad, but do make sure you and she agree on what the post debt standard of living will look like. I know you are a fair way down the thought process of setting her up for if something should happen to you as the next target but you really can do both to a good degree. Watch out for the extreme tendencies.

PS regarding living in someone else's house, I couldn't do it at all for several houses and we bought new! Managed it with this one but the previous owners really had gone full blank canvas with this one. They'd already moved out and had painted almost everywhere white and laid matching new carpets, albeit cheap ones,  plus it was absolutely spotless. It was the first 2nd hand home I'd walked in and thought I could live in it without gutting it. We stay in holiday rentals occasionally and I peer at all the photos to find nice fresh recently done  neutral uncluttered looking lets. Its odd because I really am not all that fussy on my own place being pristine so its not about cleanliness, it really is the feeling of being in someone else's space I think.

FootyFanDan

alt80 said:

I’ve just read something that really made me think that I should not be so miserable about my own life and pretty !!!!!! shameful that I am when others just have some awful hands dealt to them. Unfortunately I just can’t sort my head out, I should be happy with my lot, focusing on getting debt free and on my little family rather than !!!!!! worrying about seeking more all the time. A few people have said that I should just settle a bit, enjoy my days with my family and not !!!!!! obsess over chasing more all the time.

I think it is hard when you are so used to striving for more, the minute you reach the peak of the mountain then your mind creates the next taller mountain and so on. The reality is in your own mind (wrongly in opinion) nothing you achieve will seem enough coz you think you should be pushing for more. As others have said material things are nice but in truth your boy would rather have your time and i am sure the wife the same. They would rather you keep been present to enjoy the moments and time together, cherish that coz it will not be long before the boy is grown up. I really do think you need to give yourself far more credit than you do mate, you have come such a long way.

alt80

Another bad nights sleep or lackthereof ha

@warby68 yes, that’s correct. I don’t want the money in my personal pocket unless there’s a good reason for it. It is better used being directed elsewhere. Don’t think my wife really grasps that tbf. As for me apart from still fleetingly being interested in !!!!!! up for another house I’m 100% done spending. I’m not even having another car once its lease is up - we don’t know what this government is going to do about company cars / EVs etc rn. It’s not a lot of money but it’s still an amount that could go elsewhere. My wife disagrees with me about it, thinks we should have two cars because we have always had two or more cars and it’s what she knows. I don’t want to drive anymore and she does not need two cars and the old one. However she’ll have to see it is fine and it doesn’t matter before she’ll forget about it. 

The benefit is that the money I have spent for years servicing a lifestyle and paying for that will go towards giving my wife a future when she is older. I don’t mean this in the way it will likely come across but if your hubby died you’ve got a career, no mortgage etc. my wife doesn’t have that tbh if she hasn’t listened to me and will not sit down to read what I have prepared for her concerning what she would need to do with business which I hope she has and will but I’m not 100 sure, she would not be able to service the mortgage even. I am not putting her down, it is just what it is.

In the future, if I can get it sorted which there is no reason I can’t, if she wants to spend it on big holidays or whatever when I’m gone I’ve done what I set out to. I’m done but I want her to have an amazing time without needing to meet anyone else, if she does get married again it be for love. I’m miserable probably 85% of the time tbf I just see no future for myself, she thinks it’s just as simple as consistently doing what the pros want and I will be okay. I just don’t see it now, so many !!!!!! regrets with hindsight and I can’t make it fully right I do know that much. Ultimately I had too much of a good time pre Covid, I look back and it was destructive but I didn’t know it was what was making me ill and that I was hurting those around me as much as I was. I might be a !!!!!! but I’m not so much of a !!!!!! that I would choose to go back even though at the time I was enjoying myself a lot more. What I have learned is my wife and son are worth a 100 of me. 

I was thinking back to all the old wrecks I’ve bought over the years earlier looking through photos, some of them were harrowing for all kinds of reasons. The ones I’ve refurbed to let or flip tended to be worse tbf but it was always the “ghosts” of the previous owners and occupiers no matter the reason for purchase. Anyhow yeah I 100% understand the someone else’s space thing. Though it doesn’t forgive you buying a new build lol. 

@FootyFanDan I can 100% relate to that mate, nothing is enough and ever has been enough for me. It’s not a nice place to be really. Yeah my wife and my boy would rather have me present which is difficult when I question how good it is for them having me around. I have always wanted my son to have the best and that includes the best role models- I love him to bits but I’m 100% not that. He’s a kid and I know he looks up to me as much as I direct him to my wife and my FIL etc it just doesn’t always work. 

warby68

Its sad to read that you still do not see yourself as having a full part in your wife and son's future, only accepting the role of provider.  I really hope its just more time you need on this aspect. Having put the work in to get this far you deserve a good life with your family. You do not have to do penance forever. Even murderers are let out of jail eventually. Oh, and noone is worth 100x someone else. You are extemely valuable to your family in the here and now - I hope you see that soon. You see all of your flaws and none of your strengths. Understandable but unfair. 

Have you explored what it would cost to get some more life cover for yourself and whether that changes when you have been clean for several years? If the mortgage was cleared in a doomsday scenario, the picture looks a lot different.

alt80

@warby68 I do my best not to be miserable around them and do the things they want to do. It just wouldn’t be right for me to harm their future by throwing away additional money once I have paid the card balance off.

Idk re life insurance. 

katsu

I definitely recommend if you do want to look at life cover, talk to a broker about doing it via your company for all the employees. It's a great staff benefit, cheap for you, much cheaper than individual policies and you can probably avoid underwriting. 

alt80

Today has been utterly rubbish after a great weekend last. Tbh since I found out someone I know through business and a few others I used to be fairly good friends with who all have supercars nowadays have driven in them to the Euros to watch the final I’ve not been in a good place. I suppose it just isn’t great knowing that you’ve got left behind in business / life compared to people who used to be on a similar level pre covid. 

Whilst we’re on cars my wife wants me to replace the car that the lease is going to be expiring fairly soon. She is quite aware that I don’t want to but she still insisted that we go and see the new Range Rover Sport today. It’s got a long electric hybrid range so works well as a business car still and for whatever reason she won’t listen to me and thinks we should have a new business lease on this or another car. 

She thinks that I am going to be here forever and all I need to do is commit to what the pros want from me every day and just let my business tick over and “enjoy life”. She 100% hasn’t heard me that the card balance being paid off will not affect anything day to day - @warby68 from todays conversation with her, yeah, she thinks it’s going to be !!!!!! game on once the balance is cleared. 

@katsu I am setting something up for staff alongside a couple of other staff benefits so thank you. It doesn’t really help me that much and anyhow I don’t really want to have her reliant on an insurance policy.

enthusiasticsaver

I would also say that you should have life cover on the mortgage if nothing else. Lots of people need insurance cover on mortgages. It used to be a condition for taking one out. Certainly we always had cover. You hope you never need it but having it gives security on the home at least should anything happen to either one of you. 

alt80

Another !!!!!! failed attempt at sleeping ha.

@enthusiasticsaver ha, yeah, I’m not so young I don’t remember the “good old days” of conditional selling all kinds of protection insurance and if you weren’t so lucky they’d build it in the deal hoping you didn’t read the docs fml.