Moving on with things

Working_Mum

@Working_Mum I’m sorry you went through that, know it doesn’t mean anything coming from some stranger on the internet, idk life is cruel. Thank you, I do want to renew my vows, just the doubts about myself really and hope you have a good week too. I have looked the book up, seems it’s about forgiving others rather than learning to forgive yourself, do you think it would be useful when the battle is within rather than with others?

It helped me in many ways Alt80 - it's filled with stories from people who've suffered devastatingly at the hands of another and how they chose the path of forgiveness. It's one of the books which changed me and how I view life. I now have a saying "forgive every f****er everything" - it doesn't mean I stay in challenging situations with people it means I step away to a safe distance and move forward without worrying (and thinking "what if") which enables me to focus on the important things in life (my kids, my family, my health and relationships).

I am self employed and now work one day per week which means I can spend quality time with my Mum who's got dementia - I don't think you ever regret spending time with family. It's the one thing you can never get back: time.

Sending lot of positivity to you.

WM

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80 Crikey we never hear from you in weeks then we can't shut you up - ;-)

Re your boy and the affect you think you may have had on him, I can assure you, he will be fine.  My husband has a boy by his first wife and when he was little he was in the height of his addiction, he is 30 now and has not got a clue about his dads past.  My husband left him when he was 5/6 and moved away but the years before that was a serious addict as you know.   His mum was, and still is a good mum and did everything to ensure he had a good upbringing.  Please take this the way it is meant to be, and that is to reassure you, not put you down, but your wife will have done the same, she would have known when you were on a binge (hence the weekends at the in-laws), she would have know your downers when you were in bed all day (daddy isn't well today), so that your son will only have good memories of you like for example the reading every night, please be reassured he will be fine, don't carry any more guilt that really shouldn't be there.

Yes I did chuckle when you said moving hours from 8.30 -3.30 - god I love it when I'm right - just go for it!  To be fair one thing about paying for private education when you can go into breakfast as a parent (ours costs £3) its equivalent to a 5 star hotel with the full buffet selection!  He won't want you to join him in a few years, they grow up so quickly, so grab the opportunity to have breakfast with him, while you can.  Cut your hours down, pass the responsibility on, it will do your mental health a world of good, just make sure you do things with your time and not just sit there with stupid thoughts whirling round your head.  You've built your business now reap some rewards with it.  

Anyway half term from tomorrow, 2 weeks I presume - pay more get less!  Have a wonderful time in Greece, you deserve this, you have totally turned a huge corner, cherish your vow renewal, make wonderful memories get lots of photos and give your son the job of making an album and most of all I want to hear how long you cried for!  

Keep on the path!

alt80

Well we've made it to the end of the week. Stuck to the plan although we didn't get out for lunch. The weather, as with everywhere else, has been awful so just didn't feel like leaving the house. Looking forward to getting away now - bit better weather there ha. 

@Sarahwithlove thanks, I need to start implementing more from rehab/therapy etc. I've gone backwards in the sense I have been trying to run away from my negative thoughts working - some of the time on someone else's job, or on the house. I've been in a really awful place some days recently, couldn't talk about it at the time. 

@stymied thanks, you definitely have a point re thinking about doing something a couple of times a week although I'm not sure whether you realise how far we are away from the coast haha. I do have to work to a schedule else I tend to just find myself getting stuck in not being able to leave the office, long finished what I had planned for the day and wind up working through things I passed on / shouldn't be doing in the first place. I know I do it to try to escape the negative thoughts. 

@RelievedSheff you have some brilliant plans already; are you going up to the Scottish isles over Easter? I think you were talking about it a while back. Isle of Wight will be nice over summer and a trip to Belgium and Germany sounds like an adventure. We are considering Bruges for a long weekend and the Norfolk broads over summer. Planning to go to Greece in May and October as usual and potentially Christmas. My parents aren't getting any younger but have a bit more time as we've been working to get their business less hands-on. Looking forward to getting out there and seeing how things are working in person; if things are working well it opens doors for my parents to get away a bit more often so we are planning a few days on the mainland in May and in October a week with them (well in a nice rented villa, they like that) and taking them to either Italy or Croatia for a week or so. If we do get to Greece next Christmas we'll just rent a villa again.  

@Working_Mum thank you, I will have a read of the book and hope it helps me as it has done you. I have been reading a couple of books which were, I think, meant to help but just tore me to bits. Writing that reminds me I should try to deal with some of it with the pros. 

Unfortunately I have learned time is something you can't get back, there's so many things I would have done differently had I mine again. Good to hear you are spending quality time with your mum, I have only learned to cherish those closest to me in recent times. 

@Iamouttheotherside ha trust you to make some smart comment. Hope you've had a good part time break up Friday, I've certainly made the most of it.

The guilt I am finding very difficult to overcome, equally I know it is bad for me to dwell on it. Hard to read re weekends at the in-laws, I know it is what it is but seeing it written in front of me is tough, confronting it in a different way I suppose. 

!!!!!! knew you'd love being right haha. Have been for the breakfast before, it's good and you're 100% right he won't want his mum and dad around too many more years. We're still mummy and daddy rn but next year will be his last as a Junior idk time moves very quickly. He will be staying on until he's 18 but more kids join for Year 7 and some go to other schools both Year 7 and Year 9. His best friend is likely to leave, they are planning for their son to board, have lofty ambitions in terms of his future. We're dreading our son one day deciding to go to uni far away ha, will be what it will be I know. I need to work on my mental health, I did think getting clean would be a cure-all (lot of that peddled about, I think your 3-5 years is more realistic) but it just hasn't been that way, my mental health sometimes spirals. 

Got in one re pay more get less lol, yes he's off for 2 weeks assume yours are off now too. Thank you, we are looking forward to going on holiday and to our vow renewal. Our son is excited about taking photos, we've given him a little job to do but he would love to be in charge of an album, thanks. I'll surprise my wife for Christmas. I !!!!!! know I'll cry idk why but emotion just pours out of me these days.

Not getting off the path mate. 

Sumof999

hey @alt80 how are you? Have you had your vow renewal already? Hope you are doing ok x

alt80

We got home in the early hours on Sunday but had no real time for anything since getting back with the business and preparing for our house move which is getting closer by the day. Had the best time with family, my wife and I renewed our vows and I can truly say it was the best day of my life. First time around my commitment wasn’t sincere, that was the main reason I wanted to do this. I managed to convince myself that my wife was going to tell me she didn’t want to renew our vows, pure paranoia but I barely functioned in the days and weeks leading up to it. 

Parents delivered a pretty decent fine dining experience for family only and a really good party with half the !!!!!! town. Also managed to spend Halloween and son’s 10th birthday there. My parents didn’t get to see either my sister or I marry and never been there for son’s birthday either so it’s been amazing for them. They even put on a !!!!!! proper Halloween party for the first time since they left the UK. So many memories I will treasure forever, lot of laughs, fair few tears, too much food and too much wine but had a really good time. Back to !!!!!! reality now ha, freezing cold, dark at just gone 4 and the house is !!!!!! chaos.

I've stuck to the reduced working schedule, finding I'm fitting in the things I need to do and letting staff just get on. It's what I need to do at least until Christmas. My secretary said something really quite nice to me the other day and I'm still planning to meet with the older chap about business/ family balance. Still planning to spend additional time with my family. Sounds mad but I think I was given a bit of a gift to see how important time with loved ones is before my boy grew up and I’m some old man wondering how things would have been if I had put my family first. Idk what the future holds but rn I need to learn to deal with the chronic stress/ burnout one and for all. It has blighted my life and tbf my wife and son's lives having to put up with me. Haven't massively let the mask of being 'ok' slip in the office but my family suffered for my behaviour for far too long. Acknowledged to the pros today that a big turning point for a bit of fun turning into addiction was when I turned to it to deal with moments my confidence was low. In turn any confidence I did have that wasn’t !!!!!! bravado I allowed to be lost quite some time ago, couldn't do without it then. This past year or so has been a massive battle in part because I just couldn't admit that. Yep taken this long and tbf it is embarrassing. 

Hardly spent a penny over the past couple of weeks on holiday but I had forgotten how expensive moving is ha. 

Have a few targets for the next few weeks health/ personal finances wise:

8k steps a day. Unlikely to get to the gym much, home gym sold up (wasn't going to work at the new place). Going to try to get to the yoga once a week. 

Cut down on the coffee. Was down to about 4 a day on holiday and felt better for it. Back here, straight back to constantly drinking it, can't sit through an hour's meeting without needing a !!!!!! and not helping the stress levels either. Wide awake past midnight too.

I have access to a personal card through my apple wallet for the first time since coming home from treatment. My wife can see what I'm spending on it and I also go through the transactions each evening even just to say I haven't touched it. 

We are reviewing and being sensible about what we need and what are longer term wants for our new home. We are going to put a bit of a plan together. I'm also conscious I want to get the remainder of my credit card balances cleared asap and thereafter start to pay down the capital on the interest only component of the new res mortgage. Looking to move the lot onto a repayment basis when possible. Never sought personal financial security before but have quite a different mindset now, I want our home paid for and to not have personal guarantees against me rendering a paid for home useless if the worst did happen. I know these are very long term goals with no quick fixes apart from a !!!!!! big sell off which isn't my preferred option. I did have fleeting moments of wanting more security before but thought the solution was found in the powder rather than in sticking to a long term plan and actually having something to show for the work other than a !!!!!! load of debt.

lucielle

Alt, I love the post above. You are doing incredibly well. So pleased you had a marvellous time away. L

RelievedSheff

Good to hear from Alt and good to see that you are in a much more positive frame of mind.

maggiem

Very pleased to read that your holiday and vow renewal was a big success. Hurray. Good luck with the move too.

Baileys_Babe

It is good to hear from you. Your holiday/vow renewal seem to be just what you needed.

You sound positive with a well thought out realistic plan.

I hope your house move goes smoothly.

warby68

That's a lovely post @alt80, really lovely. 

Well done for making all of it happen and for having an open mind to all the changes despite it being extremely difficult for you.

You are right, the gift of time will always mean more than money.