Moving on with things

lucielle

Has your wife actually said “you promised me x y and z and not delivered”?  Or are you assuming she’s thinking this?  Have you sat down and had a talk about how you feel you’ve failed her (I don’t think you have by the way). Relationships change and evolve over time and priorities and goals along with them. 

We had a horrific year last year which certainly changed how we view a lot of things and made us realise what’s important to us. 

L

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

My mental health isn't in a great position, the pros haven't been able to fix me 

The pro's are only there to help. Only you can "fix" you.

alt80

@Baileys_Babe / @lucielle over this past year she reckons she isn’t bothered and would rather I didn’t work quite so much, spend a bit more time together as a family. Whatever I can give her it needs to be sustainable, with a plan to be paid for- I couldn’t carry on as I was, above anything I need to work towards having financial security for them, this means I can’t always give them the best of everything. She watches these Dubai housewives TikTok videos best of everything multiple seven figure properties on several continents, supercars, boats, planes, all the best clothes, bags etc. I’m not going to be able to give her that, realistically when we move, that’s as much as I am going to manage residential home wise. I suppose I’m thinking if I eliminate anything for myself there will be something more for them. I’m too !!!!!! to level up, just can’t do it anymore so am basically at maintenance level. I am trying to give her a break from looking after the house etc but even that and the business I’m just whacked. 

@RelievedSheff you are not wrong, the wellbeing, healthy lifestyle things I did try to take on board all take time out of the day and I find gives me time in my own thoughts. Still do the counselling but it’s not really going anywhere now. Probably should call it a day, I have the barriers in place to keep me away from relapse and personal money.

lucielle

Just because she watches them doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to emulate them. I think you’re being way to hard on yourself. 

L

stymied

Is your wife not bored stiff now you’ve taken away all her jobs? 

You’re a clever guy, you know that hiding from your thoughts forever is unsustainable and you will have to do the hard work of confronting and at a minimum learning to live with them, or better reframing them to at least partly positive. You gave your wife what she most wanted, a family.

Sumof999

hey @alt80 you really are doing so well please stop beating yourself up give yourself some grace.  I read this during the week and it resonated with me

 ' Focusing on the past is like driving on the motorway with your eyes fixed on the rearview mirror. An occasional glance is beneficial but you need to concentrate on the road ahead'.

I'm really rooting for you and your family x

alt80

Had a little better end to the week and a very cheap weekend so far. My wife organised for me to go for a massage Thursday after work, that helped a little, I physically hold a lot of tension in my shoulders. She wants me to look after myself, convinced I’m going to make myself ill with stress. Tbf I wonder if she’s right I’m constantly whacked, catch every !!!!!! cold going and have some other physical issues that have been investigated years ago but have been put down to stress/ anxiety. I was trying to start looking after myself and kinder to myself after fully admitting how bad things were. A part of me thinks I’m not fully committing to recovery rn, not touching the stuff and absolutely no intention to go back to that but my mental health is not in a good place. Had to deal with unexpected cravings a couple of times recently after that really not being a problem for a while. 

I’ve spent the time since agreeing to buy our new home selling whatever I had personally of value. My watch that I keep thinking about selling is one of the very few things left personally and I’ve forgone any of the things I should have been doing to look after my mental health to clean this house. It’s gone beyond general household maintenance, my in laws saw me this morning and wondered what the !!!!!! had happened to my hands. Wound up ringing the !!!!!! health line but been a bit better after acknowledging why I’ve been doing it.

The pros think I need to start learning to live with having some access to personal funds. I have said I don’t think I can do it but I do see the logic in living in a more normal way and it is tempting. Although it’s a bit of a head !!!!!! for me to really understand how I can be expected to fully abstain from one addiction and moderate another. I get there’s a distinction and tbf one fed the other and I do think I can be sensible with money now I’m clean. Idk.

@Lucille she wanted a lifestyle certainly prior to her having therapy idk now, she tells me it doesn’t matter but I just want to be able to give her the best of everything, I get some people probably think I’m mad  and I know it’s partly driven by my lack of self worth. Had to spend time analysing it with the pros ha.

@stymied she does keep telling me to stop, her job to look after our home etc. Idk she has done so much for me I just want her to not have to deal with anything. I know you’re right about avoiding the thoughts, just !!!!!! hard to deal with. Trying to find peace has led to me !!!!!! crying in front of my son, his friend and his friends parents. I dread to !!!!!! think what they really think of me. Emotion just carries on pouring out of me when I let it.

@Mickeymacca thank you, that comment really resonates with me. 

lucielle

@alt80 quote “she wanted” past tense. Things have changed massively. You’ve both changed massively. Embrace this and who she is now   

L

alt80

@lucielle probably need to give my head a wobble tbf idk.

mark55man

Hi Alt80 - just checking in - will catch up and say something profound later when I've read a bit more of this, but until then glad to see you are still around and keeping on