Moving on with things

Sarahwithlove

I think you need to go back and read what your wife said. She wants you to spend time together as a family. I'm sure she would rather you used the time doing all the jobs for her with her and your son. She doesn't work, her only job is to look after the home. Have you considered that you may be taking away her sense of purpose? Instead of assuming what your wife wants and needs, try and listen to what she says and focus on being kinder to yourself. 

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80
Just caught up over the last few weeks, the positive bit is that you're still clean, the negative bit is that your head is not in a good place.  I have told you before I would love to say to you its easy but it isn't, my hubby had paranoia, negative emotions, low self worth, didn't feel he could cope with little ones, the list goes on.  Thinking back now (you are probably going to scream at this), I think it took about 3 years clean, before he was more positive then negative, after 5 years he was transformed, now loves life and knows he deserves the happiness he has, please stick with it, try and keep busy, but not overdo it, you need to book some holidays for next year for something to look forward to, its becoming that miserable /dark time of year again when everyones moods are affected so try to keep positive.

As for you thinking your wife "Wants" more, that's a load of tosh, if she was going to leave you, she would have left at the height of your addiction, took your house, your son away from you, half your business and just quite frankly rinsed you dry.  She didn't, she stayed, she saw something in you worth staying for, and it wasn't the money as she could have taken that anyway.  She wants you, she wants a family together, a nice home and a nice life but WITH YOU.  

As for watching women with "nice lives" I can assure you seeing "some" uber rich people at school, their lives may look amazing on social media, but in reality they rely on husbands for money, they have no purpose in life, they are as boring AF because they do nothing!   Their husbands are out doing all sorts, they are aware but put up with it for the lifestyle, one mum is seriously verbally abused by her husband but from the outside has the mansion townhouse in London and the 7 bed country manor with a housekeeper/driver and all the rich trappings, she will never leave, she's just hoping it will pass, that's no life.  Just don't believe all you see on Socials.  Happy people don't put their lives all over social media, they have nothing to prove.

As for the watch - keep it, I too have a nice watch all be it a limited edition Cartier, I love it.  It can be hidden so as not to "gloat" but is also there to remind me how bloody hard we work and for that we can get nice things, paying debt off doesn't mean you have to be miserable too.

As for the debt keep plodding on, when its paid your savings will build up before you know it and your money worries will be history, just keep on the path.

Have a good week

alt80

Had a couple of quietish days. Sunday we went out for lunch and for a nice walk. Yesterday and today I have worked 9-2 both days, rest of this week there is not a lot I need to get wrapped up before we go to Greece next week so I’m going to go in 9-2 tomorrow and Thursday and finish at lunch on Friday, take my wife for a nice meal before our son breaks for half term.

One of the (many) reasons I’ve been struggling is I’ve been reading a book about how childhood trauma affects people, I do know we all have it to a degree, my sister and I have often jokingly recited Philip Larkin when we see each other ha. Anyway as much as I tried to avoid my son for years, to avoid my influence on him I know I will have hurt him in some way. He lets me read to him or he reads to me every night at bedtime but I know that will stop sometime, !!!!!! breaks me wish I could turn the clock back tbf. I see some of my traits in him and some of my wife’s too, !!!!!! breaks my heart when I see glimpses of myself in him.

Also read an article about a father, now grandfather who’d worked so much he hardly saw any of his family and children grow up and profoundly regretted it. I want to provide the world for my little family but I’ve also realised I’m happiest and most at peace when I’m just with them, we’ve had some amazing holidays this year, nice weekends together etc. those times I can just switch off from all the !!!!!! going on in my head. I’ve always seen my whole existence being for the purpose to make more money. Idk it’s a complete head !!!!!! - the pros say finding peace and being able to live in the present is good for me and also for my family but that’s all time away from either focusing on business or on sorting the house etc. out so my wife doesn’t have to. Everyone is telling me I need to learn to be kind to myself but I can’t see myself as being worthy of being kind to. 

alt80

@mark55man good to hear from you mate.

@Sarahwithlove I do see where you are coming from and tbf have a point. My wife is quite lucky to have quite a few interests that aren’t looking after the house or working. She is currently also mentoring three girls who are losing weight and doing a brilliant job with teaching them about health/ fitness and getting them confident with their makeup etc. All three have had some difficult circumstances but are doing great.

@Iamouttheotherside Good to hear from you. Hope you’re doing well? Yeah my head isn’t in a good place at all, relate to an awful lot of the things your husband went through after getting clean I also have bad anxiety and panic attacks. Tbf 3-5 years as much as I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be ok, I !!!!!! hope 3-5 years is the case for me too, I’ve convinced myself I’ve permanently completely !!!!!! my mental health so tbh you actually give me some hope there. 

Certainly agree re the nights drawing in. Freezing cold here too. We haven’t yet confirmed anything for next year as yet, my wife would really like that to sit down and plan some holidays. Tbf I enjoy the planning and whilst I’m always a !!!!!! mess leading up to anything positive, we had some amazing days when we were on holiday this year.

I find it really hard to think about what could have been, I know a lot of women would have left me and I wouldn’t have blamed her had she just said she’d had enough. I will never forget when she agreed to therapy, I’m proud of her for that and she has never stopped making me proud since. I love her to bits and I’m so proud of her. I don’t care how !!!!!! over the top others think that is either. However it’s horrible to think yourself wholly unworthy of your better half, it’s not in a I think I’m punching kind of way, it’s I am completely unworthy and really messes with my mind. I don’t think she should have agreed to renew our vows, I know she’s better and deserves better. I get she has and that’s her decision, as it edges closer I’m convinced I’m going to !!!!!! it up, stand there and !!!!!! cry.

Definitely agree re social media, she mainly looks at dances, make up and fitness stuff on there so it’s not like that’s all she’s going on there to look at. Suppose I’d like to give her what your associate has been able to give his wife without whatever the negative stuff is that’s going on. 

As for watches, my wife bought me a lovely Cartier Tank for my birthday last year, I would never sell that. She has a Cartier watch too but only wears it when we go out for dinner - can’t stand not being able to track her activities day to day lol. Had the Sub for years and years, predates my wife ha it was a present to myself for landing my first decent contract in business. Idk I was having some quite dark thoughts about not wanting to leave my family with things they will have to deal with of mine when I am gone as well as trying to raise cash.

We are getting there with the debt payoff althoughI won’t reach my intended target of being entirely free of it by the end of the year. I keep trying to sit down and revise my spreadsheet to account for the new mortgage, some holiday / days out etc. spends but it messes with my head when I think about doing anything enjoyable for myself - don’t deserve it thoughts just creep in. 

PollyWollyDoodle

I’m delurking because I have read your diary for some time and I wanted to thank you for your honesty and to say what a huge achievement you have made. It’s all a matter of perspective and I realise that’s not an easy thing to change.  You are still seeing everything through a cloud of thoughts about your previous actions

What I’ve learned from reading your diaries is that you’re a very loving husband and father, someone who actively makes time for his wife and son. I love the idea of you and your son reading to each other. Yes he’ll grow out of it, but there’ll be other things you can enjoy together. And when he’s a teenager you’re going to be better placed than most to understand some of the stresses he’s under. 

You’re a successful businessman, a good employer who does his best to mentor and encourage his staff, and a decent and fair landlord. I appreciate that it’s hard for you to acknowledge those good parts of yourself against the bits that you know haven’t been so good, but I’m sure you wouldn’t talk to a good friend in the same way that you talk to yourself.  Keep the watch, because you deserve to have it and it’s a reminder of your success. I hope you have a great holiday.  

Working_Mum

Hello there,
I have been following your journey but have de-lurked to suggest a book for you; Forgiveness is a Choice by Robert D Enright.

It is a fascinating and insightful book which can take you on a scientifically proven journey into forgiveness. It was life changing for me when I had not only a violent and abusive ex-husband to forgive but the huge need to forgive myself for the impact of his actions on our children. They're now aged 22 and 25 and absolutely thriving but it took a lot of hard work and consistency on my part.

I wish you well with the vow renewal next week.

Have a wonderful week.

Best

WM 

alt80

Had another quiet day. Stuck to my work schedule and spent time with my family. Keep seeing these articles / posts, mainly older men around retirement age basically saying that they regret not taking more time for their families, missed their kids growing up etc. one I actually know but not particularly well posted something on LinkedIn about it today, he’s in the same industry in a very good corporate position. I actually messaged him and we had a good conversation, going to meet before Christmas. Sounds !!!!!! mad but I’m seriously considering starting to restrict my work to Mon-Fri 8.30 to 3.30 for a bit, go to son’s school breakfast with him and my wife and pick him up with her. @Iamouttheotherside I !!!!!! hear you laughing from here after my part timer comment a few months back lol. The fact is we are not going to have our boy the age he is forever and my business is well staffed. Idk a part of me is disgusted with myself for even thinking this but I’m !!!!!! exhausted, have been for years and good management doesn’t really come from being completely !!!!!!. 

Appointment with the pros today, possibly why I’m in thinking mode ha. I was ready to give up with the counselling but I still think I need it, although I need to reframe to action rather than reflection. Wasn’t an easy session but explaining what has been going on in my head over the past few weeks idk got a bit of a release. Get back on with trying to look after myself again. Talked over the finances, remaining card balances and that I’m still entirely restricting myself from any access to personal money, actually spoke to my wife about it too. Something I need to consider more when we get back home from Greece. I still haven’t got my revised budget together, it’s something I’m going to look at when we get back with my wife and work through it together. 

@PollyWollyDoodle thank you, idswyacf re perspective and it being very difficult to change. Can 100% confirm it is very difficult to change perspective on yourself and can be !!!!!! torturous when through counselling you realise you’re doing it ‘wrong’ but can’t help it. 

@Working_Mum I’m sorry you went through that, know it doesn’t mean anything coming from some stranger on the internet, idk life is cruel. Thank you, I do want to renew my vows, just the doubts about myself really and hope you have a good week too. I have looked the book up, seems it’s about forgiving others rather than learning to forgive yourself, do you think it would be useful when the battle is within rather than with others?

Sarahwithlove

I think reduced hours is a great idea, more family time and less stress. Hopefully help you find other coping mechanisms than burying yourself in work 

stymied

As with everything it doesn't have to be all or nothing @alt80 - it's a lovely idea to do the school pickup but once or twice a week would be more special then you could pop to a cafe, pick up a McDonald's, go to a playground or have a tennis knockabout on the way home or even pick up in the MG and take a run out to the seaside - you couldn't do that every day x

RelievedSheff

Be interesting to hear your holiday plans for next year 😀 

Something for you all to look forward to. 

We have a few plans for next year. We are in Scotland at the in laws for Easter, our summer holiday is looking like the Isle of Wight and we are heading across to Europe again later in the year. Probably Belgium and Germany this time.