Moving on with things

alt80

Not had much time to think over the past few days, not necessarily a bad thing ha. Friday today, looking forward to the weekend - little rest from work won't be a bad thing.

@RelievedSheff thanks, I am really trying to keep on the right path of recovery. Some days / weeks are more difficult than others but had a bit of a realisation the times I am really struggling do (eventually) pass. @satchmo1 made a great point about forgiveness and forgiving yourself. I find it extremely difficult, hold myself to standards I wouldn't expect of others.

@lucielle yeah, it was nice and they know it meant a lot for someone to say that. I'm doing my best for them which should be enough idk not to me unfortunately. 

@Iamouttheotherside thank you. Quite often I don't post when I am in a bad place or writing something and delete before posting ha. 

The materialistic things I struggle with, !!!!!! racked with guilt these days. I know that's not really healthy possibly no more than the materialistic things being the only things that mattered. Haven't been able to stop the drive for more knowing I get to that and it won't be enough. I do sometimes accept it for what it is though these days rather than being convinced I'm right and every one who tells me to be happy with enough is wrong. I treasure time with my family these days, means everything them still being with me and here for me. 

Had a similar conversation about other's views of me and tbf my own views of myself in therapy. I let it in to destroy me in many ways and I hurt a lot of people. Idk it's emotionally very difficult, a long road, one without a real end point apart from death. Until that point we're all just trying to get by in some sense or another. As for the sleepover, the boys would love that.

It's a wonderful thing to have a solid family unit. I haven't always had that, it's something I feel awful about but my wife and I have only recently found genuine love even though we've been together for 15 years. To climb out of the kind of situation you were in with money is !!!!!! hard graft, I hope you are both really proud of yourselves, you should be. I'm made up for anyone who has got there largely self made, always have been, always will be. The stuff didn't take that from me. Would like to think being a grafter is one of the only positive traits I have though I have come to realise I am really a second rate businessman, the best have got further than I have 17 years in business. Sounds like you've been in business less time and done a lot better.

I've had times much closer to the breadline than I'd ever like to admit. Hid it from my wife and likewise the amount of debt both personal and business as well as the amount of mortgage/ secured debt for many years !!!!!! killing myself with the pressure waiting for her to leave. She was with me for a lifestyle, tbf in different ways we both were. It's not like that now so I can say you are really lucky to have always had that solid family no matter your financial circumstances. 

My outlook on life has changed. It's changed a lot but I know where you are coming from re once I am debt free. Started to believe the possibility it will actually happen and acknowledge that it just couldn't have happened without making a proper commitment to recovery.

Ha, yeah I think he'll love something like that. He loves being outdoors, sports, still likes his garden too.

Thanks, my wife is proud of me as I am of her. My little family deserve some happiness, I owe it to them.

foxgloves

What a lovely ideal to build a garden den with your son. Those are the sort of positive experiences he will remember. It's a chance for some fresh air, to do a bonding activity & get a bit creative. 
F

Baileys_Babe

Over the last week, I have read all of this diary @alt80 I am pleased to see how much your behaviour and honesty with yourself and your loved ones have changed since your previous diary.

I have noticed that healthy eating, yoga, meditation, exercise, cutting down or cutting out alcohol, being out in nature, spending time with your family, going on holiday and having therapy all affect you positively. When you have been doing some or all of them you come across as calmer, happier and more accepting of yourself. Commit to investing time and energy in yourself. You are worth it, and your family think so too.

The chicken salad theme of the past is hardly mentioned now which must make meals at home more enjoyable. 

I wish you well with your continued recovery.

enthusiasticsaver

Good  to hear from you and glad you are still enjoying spending time with your family outside and valuing things that really matter.  Nice to hear your sons friends parents  really rating you as a Dad now. I think it is your self esteem which needs building now as you are a hard worker and no matter what you say I would not  rate you as a second rate businessman given your success so far.  Not many bring home the amount you do and are able to afford your lifestyle with your wife being a SAHM and with the debt reductions you are making each month.  

Money is not everything but as others have said it does give you choices.  I would rate health higher though and good family relationships. People can live on much less than you earn but it is always nice not to have to worry about money. Keep going with the nice family days, working hard on your business and having some downtime for yourself. Of course getting the credit card debts down is also good.  Is your mortgage fixed for the forseeable future? 

satchmo1

Hi Alt, I'm heartened to read a much more positive mindset lately :-) 

You comment that your lovely wife was with you for material things, but I think that was her hanging on by her fingertips and praying for your recovery! She hung on, and you've recovered. 

And yes, forgiveness is an ongoing activity, not a "one-off" action.

Cheering for team Alt

lucielle

Hi Alt, you've been very quiet, hope everything's ok?
L

RelievedSheff

Another one here just checking in to make sure you are OK?

Hopefully you are just busy making happy family memories.

Four_Seasons

Missing you Alt hope all is well.

alt80

I'm not doing great, meant to update before now tried to write a few times but we didn't manage any further reductions in August: I chose to buy my wife an eternity ring for our upcoming vow renewal. Still on the right track in terms of not touching substances and not spending one myself but apart from that I'm not really doing very well. I do what I can to distract myself from the destructive thoughts but it's a constant battle. Have started to take on responsibility for looking after the house/ garden/ cars alongside my business, keeps me distracted and my wife doesn't have to do anything. So !!!!!! exhausted I am at least sleeping most nights - it's good for me to keep busy.

@foxgloves thank you. He loves it and the weather has been nice this past week or so to for my wife and son to enjoy being outside too.

@Baileys_Babe thank you. I am doing this for my family and don't want to slip back into habits that were awful for them to live with. I have taken on cooking for my family over the past few weeks. My wife was getting obsessed with losing weight for our vow renewal but I seem to have got through to her that it's not healthy, she'd finally got to a weight that her clothes weren't !!!!!! hanging off her and is a lot healthier. She had a think about it and wants to maintain her current weight now.

@enthusiasticsaver thank you, I am doing ok in business although many get further than I have. My residential mortgage is fixed for another couple of years but we have decided to take the opportunity to move. The low interest part of the mortgage is being ported and the rest will, for the time being, be interest only which I will review when the current fix can be renewed and I won't have any card balances. It's not really a 'happy move', we are continually being harassed by my former friend and client as well as some of his mates. We have had the police involved and don't really feel safe here. Agreed a sale off market for my home for £675k and to buy the other property for £850k because we don't have any cash for the move, to pay stamp duty or to do some basic works we're having to finance more than I'd like to be. Moving to the part of the city I've always wanted to live in although compromising in that it's semi-detached with less outdoor space, doesn't bother me really although the circumstances / reasons are !!!!!! awful. Idk what to think.

@satchmo1 thank you, we'll get through this.

@lucielle / @RelievedSheff / @Four_Seasons thank you for thinking of me.

Sun_Addict

Alt I’m sorry to read you’ve been forced to move because you don’t feel safe. What if your former friend finds out where you’ve gone? What a nasty piece of work he is 🤬