Moving on with things

enthusiasticsaver

I wonder if your wife realises how much mentioning these expensive "wants" triggers you? I thought the vow renewal was an attempt to move forward from the old ways of designer goods and the equating money and things with love.  Your wife has been looking after you which shows she does love you but then every now and again the old default comes back of her wanting to buy something expensive and you feeling you  are not good enough because your budget is stretched paying back historic debt. The feeling not good enough probably comes from past regrets of substance  abuse, spending binges and the things you have done in the past. As we have said many times though and no doubt counselling has reinforced.  You cannot change the past, just learn the lessons and move on from the self destructive behaviour. 

Your budget is very different to many on here @alt80 but no doubt the COL and interest rise increases has hit you and your business too. If I were you, I would say any money raised from selling stuff goes towards buying these two "wants" given you both still seem quite fragile but eventually moving away from that stuff altogether seems better. .  I don't know if that might mean conflict with your wife but you need to learn how to deal with that too in this new life without the constant highs and lows. 

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80 the new version has removed the subscribe from your diary, so I've just caught up.

Good to hear you had an amazing holiday - good memories for your son to keep forever.

What you are experiencing now is what the majority of the U.K. population experience on return from holiday, no matter how much money you have, - spend too much and return to the doom and gloom of our weather and have to return to the day to day grind.

To smash another 2k plus off your debt is amazing, well done! 

With regards to your spending guilt again, here's my opinion ...

Your wife has already agreed to sell 8-10k of stuff, that in itself is good, yes you could pay it off cards to make you feel better, but your vow renewal is a brand new start for all of you and I think to let her spend 2k of that is not unreasonable (preparing myself to get slammed on here!).   Imagine her face when you present her with the gift, not just only for being a supportive wife, fantastic mum but also for your renewal.  You could make it really special opening event for you and your son to do, a treasure trail or something?

As for taking more money out of your business to totally pay your debts off I don't think this is a good idea for you, debt busting is addictive and when we had to pay our debts off (our minimum payments were 4K a month, I used to aim to pay 6k), it was a buzz I loved the challenge and for my hubby it became his addiction too.  I will never forget when we paid our final balance off from a loan we had, it was 12k, we were both sat at the dining table, I put the phone down and was expecting a feeling of euphoria, unfortunately it was very mundane and we said "is that it?".  The next challenge began when we started to save and invest, but that is boring compared to debt busting.

I think you need to look at your target date, and then allow 2k a month to pay towards those debts to get to that date, and the balance take that out of the business, hope that makes sense! A compromise..,

You have addictive traits and at present your debt busting s your addiction it's keeping you occupied.

Keep on the track, you're doing amazing!

MatyMoo

Just thinking about your level of debt and when it could be paid off without taking funds out the business…..

Assuming your wife sells her stuff for £8k and uses £2k to treat herself to the bits she wants for the vow renewal and pays the balance off the debt. You would be left with £24k ish, at £2k it will be paid off 12 months from now, £3k and it would be 8 months. You could challenge yourself to get it paid off in the 8 months without drawing from the business 😉

alt80

Managed to get out for lunch as a family today around work which was nice. 

@poppy811 Thanks, iswyacf although I don’t want my family going without because I’ve !!!!!! up. You made me think about my own childhood, idk whether we were loved poor kids or not ha. My parents either had significant amounts of surplus cash or were in really !!!!!! dire straits.

@RelievedSheff I’m ok, getting through and yes still in therapy probably will be for a !!!!!! lifetime ha.

I just want it gone once and for all mate. In most circumstances I agree with your take on it shouldn’t be a punishment but I am punishing my family with this, have been for years. My personal debts aren’t and weren’t built through unfortunate circumstances other than me being a !!!!!!. The position my family would be in now would be really good if it wasn’t for spending stupid amounts of money on things. As it is, I’ve got an income from my business, some equity in my residential home, and a property portfolio that come the discounted rates running out may well be making a small loss in the worst case scenario. I have no money elsewhere, no traditional pension, and no personal savings whatsoever. I know I earn fairly well for around here but if it weren’t for me !!!!!! up my family would have some security. I take 100% responsibility for time and time again !!!!!! up, none of this is my family’s fault but they are suffering for it and it’s not right.

@maddiemay thank you, it’s not something that I’m going to do today, tomorrow or next month and not without consulting my accountant either.

@enthusiasticsaver she isn’t trying to deliberately trip me off and it’s not she fancies buying this stuff because she has seen it on IG. She still likes browsing shopping online and saves in wish lists before deciding on things - it’s not a whim of hers. There’s many reasons we are renewing our wedding vows, a move away from our marriage being about image and things is one. I don’t think that should mean she never has anything though. I always try to avoid conflict these days which I know isn’t entirely healthy but 100% it’s better than me letting my temper get the better of me. Can’t think of anytime I’m glad that I lost it.   

I am acutely aware I cannot change the past. I wish I could, 100%. Some of the reason I am still having therapy is to try to come to terms with choices I made in the past and the consequences of those choices.

In terms of COL / interest rates, yes we have and will continue to be very much affected by this. It’s !!!!!! with my mental health 100%. Our utilities are ridiculous. My commercial is now at a 9% rate, btls locked in rn but not looking forward to those discounted rates running out. Actually have a strong off market deal on the table but will involve significant additional borrowing. The impact of the rates means the amount the bank will see each month in interest is offensive, even so a fresh start is appealing.

@Iamouttheotherside the new version is !!!!!! annoying ha. Thank you, he had a brilliant time, talks about holidays all the time, !!!!!! loves them like his mum. Experiencing a !!!!!! holiday comedown myself  lol tbf the weather has been terrible.

She would love that, it’s something I’m planning to do with her eternity ring which she doesn’t know about. She has been selling stuff that she doesn’t want any longer mainly because of memories associated with it. Been on the back burner recently I might help her with getting started again this weekend. 

I don’t mind the debt busting personally and ikwym re the challenge. !!!!!! love beating the month previous, but get a massive low when I don’t which has been the case for a few months now. Probably is to do with my addictive traits as a reduction of £2k a month I shouldn’t be sad about, I know. I’m actually dreading being debt free for myself but not for my family. I’ve got a feeling I won’t have the euphoria from making the last payment to the cards either. I’m trying to get there by the end of the year because it was my super aggressive but doable had we not gone away target and I !!!!!! hate failing. Failed in life I know but still hate individual fails ha. That said possibly not right to ‘cheat’ but seems right for my family to be able to give them more, can do that even with the bigger mortgage before you mention it.

@MatyMoo iswyacf and should be thinking that sounds like a good option. Tbf I have gone from ‘not caring’ if I actually meet the super aggressive target to ‘needing’ to.

RelievedSheff

You shouldn't see not clearing your debts by the end of the year as failure. That is just your addictive mindset focussing too much on one thing again. So long as you are reducing the debts you are not failing.

Perhaps something to talk over with your counsellors? You most certainly do not "need" to clear the debts by the end of this year and the way you are going you will end up making a decision you will regret further down the line. 

alt80

@RelievedSheff I do see where you are coming from. Idk thoroughly fed up with it and what seems like a lack of progress. I do find things difficult when I'm not 'ahead' of the month / year previous in business so not really surprising this is similar. Our time away has put me behind where I'd like to be, it trips me off. Enjoyed the times away and anyone else I'd be the one in your position saying stop being silly about it, making good progress and using a bit of money to have a good time, what's the problem ha. 

Not going to wind up making a decision I'll regret over it, as it will be thought through. 

katsu

@alt80
If its not triggering, look at how far you've come. You'll be DF in a year and then you can look at what your future plans are; do you want some conventional pension savings? Paying down more rentals... I'm sure you've got great choices with your wife. 

You didn't wreck everything, you and Mrs Alt both had your challenges but you've both changed. You are achieving multiple massive achievements  from your business to getting clean.  I'm sure in time you can be proud of yourself.   We are

Just keep on keeping on and the months will fly past. 

Helping your wife sell her stuff so she gets the positive stuff for the vow renewal sounds lovely.

Yankee24

I love your openness.   I think you are deluded with what happens when you pay off the debt. Logically,  You will then use that 2k a month to put into a pension or other investment.  Your family will probably see no difference day to day.  If you just splash the cash on stuff, I think you will be as empty as you feel now… your family won’t be any more provided for.      So why fret?    Just keep plodding.   You are amazing 

alt80

Been on the chicken salad diet all week apart from tonight, had pizza cheat meal and both wife and I feel ill now ha great start to the weekend.

@katsu some things have improved I do accept that, thank you. I don’t think I’m ever going to be 100% right ha. Looking forward long term getting the rentals and my commercial LTVs down is important. I want to also have some level of pension, interested in building up a SSAS pension with a view to getting the commercial off the expensive mortgage. Bit boring but building a little cash reserve, 6 months or so income to just keep in a high interest account. If I go for the potential house purchase getting that loan down will be important - looking at c£2.5k /m IO idk on that yet will have to make my mind up soon.

Quiet weekend, I’m going to help set up some sales, some work and some family time. Think we are going out for lunch on Sunday too. 

alt80

@Yankee24 ha I don’t have much of a filter haha probably years of if things aren’t right in business saying !!!!!! that and moving onto a better deal. I was a !!!!!! employee years back couldn’t deal with the authority lol. You’re right I’ve got a lot of plans that don’t involve buying stuff. Idk I just want my family happy. I’ve caused them so much misery that I just want to give them the world which I can’t and know I’m not really good enough for them. Just wind up feeling a let down not being able to give them an envious lifestyle.