Moving on with things

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80 Congratulations on knocking £2600 off the debt this month, bloody good considering you also had a holiday.

I will be honest I don't think you are the only one working crazy hours at present, I think the thing is the damn news, government and the Bank of England are constantly saying we are heading into a recession, people are too scared to turn work down, waiting for the absolute gloom that they are foretelling.   I will be honest at the minute I wouldn't mind a bloody recession, we've been up at sunrise and bed at sunset its nuts, I think its all around at present.

Sorry to hear the friend harassing you, remember he is doing it for his benefit, he needs a junkie buddy, this has nothing to do with having you as a true friend, this is his selfish junkie attitude, avoid and block at all costs.  

Interesting about you not having any personal money, I remember my hubby being the same, he was an employee at the time of his early days coming clean, and he used to give me all his money and just say to me "just pay for things", I guess it never clicked why, even now, he has multiple accounts for "money" investments etc, but doesn't want to know about them, he has a basic current account, he uses for "spends" - coffees/lunches etc, I still "pay" when we are out and about, he does have access to credit cards but only ever uses them for business, its interesting after over 20 years clean.

Keep communicating with your wife, its good you are contacting her when you are craving the 5hit.

As for the interest rate rise, its beyond your control, you are business man, its what you do, its what you're best at.  Step outside as if it wasn't your business and you were advising someone how to move forward, it may mean selling some of your portfolio - then so be it, it may mean getting rid of dead wood - so be it.  

Just remember your property portfolio are assets, it generates you money, not like living in a home with a mortgage that is a liability - big difference.

I do think the property market is going to be hit hard especially in the South East where we are, its visible to see now, but for me what I am so shocked about, is the amount of people in their 40s and 50s whom I thought would have paid off their mortgages that still have them, a lot on interest only and a lot more than they originally paid for their house.  Maybe a bit naive on my part, to be honest it's absolutely stunned me, some of my friends are looking at mortgage rises of £2-3000 a month, in the next 6 -12 months.   I have a few friends, who are in social housing claiming universal credits and at present their security and future is looking far better than my "wealthier friends".

I had dinner at a friends house the other day he's retired now at 71, he's an ex economic and business professor, and he said people are holding out for interest rates to come down, it won't happen as its not just ourselves that are increasing its world wide, if we were to decrease them, the pound would weaken and inflation would soar even more.  

He said the only way to solve this is for houses to become "affordable" again, for the average wage to mortgage ratio, back to 2.5/3 times salary, and he said that doesn't just mean house prices coming down, but wages do need to increase massively, to get the balance right and meet in the middle.

As for your therapy, if cold water doesn't work, or any other you've been recommended - ditch and move on, try something else.

Stay on the path, have a good weekend

 

poppy811

I do hope you can access extra professional help because you sound really unwell to me.  Good enough in life is OK, wishing you well

Iamouttheotherside

Also ditto to what the others have said.

In your last post you are ranting, also no spaces between sentences or paragraphs which based on past experience you are down a slippery slope.

Ring your wife get help before it's too late

alt80

@stymied I am struggling tbh my mental health is shot to the point of being offered pills to level me off a bit. 100% committed to staying drug free so that’s not an option as far as I’m concerned. Just about ok when I’m working - it’s a distraction and some of the work requires a lot of concentration on the task. Still go to bed with my own thoughts and wake up with them though.

My family is the most important thing to me now, if this past year has done anything it’s made me realise they are who matters. I want to give them long term security so they don’t need me anymore. I owe it to them. You are right about those carefree days with my family, I don't often have those so when I do they are days I fondly remember and look back on. Not an excuse but I’m completely whacked and drained of energy all the time, just about get through my work and that’s it. I don't want to let my son down by planning something and then not being able to do it and rn I'm managing very little other than work. 

@warby68 I know your words are meant kindly and thanks for that. My family is the only thing keeping me straight, so it’s very difficult to read your words - the last thing I want is to put pressure on them but iswyacf. I’ve had to confront the needing to do it for myself in various sessions etc. just can’t sustainably get there.

Someone I reconnected with through recovery who also has a business tried to persuade me to go to an event which I've been to many times in the past. I knew there’d be some people there who were good friends of mine but 100% guaranteed they always have some, so he suggested I say upfront the minute someone offers me a drink that I'm in recovery. Get it out there and move on. We haven't spoken since because I couldn't face the discussion, him persuading me to go and that leading to the inevitable. Come too far to hurt my family like that, not something I'm willing to risk for a social life so I stay away from people/events and anywhere where I know it’ll be around because I'm not someone who can just say with confidence that I'm in recovery and move on. I am aware of people who can and it doesn't bother them. Also would mean if my wife wasn't with me I'd have personal money which I see as one step closer to potentially !!!!!! up.

I don’t put this on my wife, she’s out tonight enjoying herself, try to actively encourage her to have a social life. Why I’m still up now ha.

@Iamouttheotherside thank you, we are away again this month - Paris/ Disneyland if it isn’t cancelled with all the unrest and with the in-laws to Centre Parcs. So I think it’ll be end of August until I’m back the higher amounts again tbh August could go either way too with son being off from school, my wife likes to do quite a lot of days out with him. October my wife and I are renewing our wedding vows, we are renewing our rings and I plan to buy her an eternity ring too. So going to be a spendy one. Son’s birthday and Christmas of course fall into that last quarter too. Rn the rest of the year is looking like lesser amounts biting away at the remaining balances. I’m very conflicted about taking an additional dividend to clear them at the end of this year or whether to just continue to tick along as we are for a little longer. I hate drawing money from my business these days. I know you’ll say ‘who else is it for’ ha.

Agree with you re working hours tbh I am putting a bit of it on myself that could be redistributed elsewhere for the distraction from my own head. Not exactly astute, I know, just writing it down I’m thinking what the !!!!!! am I doing there. Follow a recovery TikTok he always ends it with ‘what’s that about?’

You’re 100% right re being harassed. We block as much as we can but he’s a !!!!!! pro at it, his ex-wife has had the police involved for years and he’s just getting worse. We go back a very long way and it’s !!!!!! heartbreaking. 

I still manage our family finances and know exactly what is where, more so than ever before tbf but I don’t allow myself access to my personal credit or debit cards. My wife pays too when are out as a family these days. Only the other week someone made some quip about I must be a ‘kept man’ not so long ago I’d have completely spoiled our day and caused a massive scene over that. 

Whilst I know it will be hard in different ways I’m somewhat envious of people like your husband who were able to move away and start over. I had a week or so that I seriously considered how I could get my business into a position I could run it without needing to be here as much and moving my family to a very quiet place but it was’t right at all. Hearing of people 10/20+ years clean like your husband lets me dare to dream it’s possible. Some people I’ve got to know through recovery I don’t know how they did it but they did and have really good lives now, not just financially some aren’t that well off but are at peace with themselves. Idk that’s what’s important too but seems impossible for me. 

My property portfolio was built on ego and beyond the first few units not considered in the way it should have been directly due to my addiction. Certain other aspects of my business are similar. Fortunately things are ok but I’ve had to face up to a lot since last year, things I didn’t want to confront personally and otherwise. It’s been a !!!!!! traumatic time so I would prefer if any comments on this are with kindness or not at all.

You don’t surprise me at all regarding the impact of the rate rises on some of your friends. It’s too late for me to get into where I believe the housing market is going but there’s not a chance rates are coming down anytime soon. We all knew at some point the artificially cheap money would end but it’s still a shock and it has happened much more quickly and in a less controlled manner than I believe most would have thought. 

Was really struggling the other day (and writing on my phone which didn't help tbf) but I’m still on the path. Have a good rest of the weekend.

@poppy811 I wish I could get into that mindset re good enough but thank you. Things are a struggle rn but I haven’t given in. 

NeverendingDMP

I can see over the last few posts you have had some inner turmoil and a tough week. You have come so far, keep with it. And don't forget the simple moments that can bring you joy and a good old belly laugh. Run into the garden in the pouring rain(on a warm day!!, build a den, watch a comedy show on TV.

And if you don't feel ready to go the event then don't. It's just extra pressure on yourself at the moment. And yes it will be possible to be clean for many years and to be more at peace. Not easy but totally possible. Trust how far you have come already.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend. 

alt80

Been a lazy Sunday after wife got back at a ridiculous hour, no surprise she's felt like hell most of the day and never drinking again lol. Not spent any money today at least, she somehow managed to spend just over £250 last night fml. I don't begrudge her a night out with friends once in a while part of me wishes I could still do it every now and again until spending the day today being her nursemaid ha. Have managed a bit of work, a walk, a kickabout and a bit of cooking with my boy too. 

@NeverendingDMP thank you. It's not been a great one, I've been struggling a lot, had a dark couple of hours today but getting out did help. I do need to start trying to make time and commit to some things that aren't just work related I do know that. 

The social event has been and gone. Tbh some of the people I've lost it's my fault - they aren't all cokeheads. Those I obviously have to keep away from but certainly one who isn't I am massively guilty for ignoring. Know each other through cars, I now own his old car and we used to be really good mates. Wife still speaks to him and takes son and the car to the odd show - my son loves cars and it should be something we enjoy together but I can barely drive anymore. Idk I'm rambling ha. I am determined to beat it this time, hope I will find the peace I have seen others achieve, ultimately it would be better for my family if I could do it for me but just staying off it is better than where I was.

alt80

First Monday in a while that I've made a conscious effort not to work stupid hours, still got plenty done but spent some time with family this evening, decent walk and first time in a !!!!!! long time I've done some exercise. Just home gym but a step in the right direction.

I had been letting myself get lost in work, not facing up to other responsibilities / therapy etc. Spoke to one of my recovery mentors this morning it helped a lot. Not looking after myself and family also being neglected. Had the what's it really all for discussion with my recovery mentor who is retired now but was in business.

Speaking to him I realise I got really tripped off when my parents made some comments about me not being able to switch off from work and having no sort of life. Should have prompt me to hold my little family that little bit tighter but I ran away to my office. Actually helped reading back something I put on here about not wanting to make plans in case I'm too whacked; I should be able to spend time with my family or what's the point. Getting back to that !!!!!! fisherman story again haha.

RelievedSheff

You sound in a much better frame of mind this morning. 

Well done for realising you needed a bit of help and seeking it out.

poppy811

Sounds like you caught yourself in the nick of time.  Make sure you enjoy your down time, that will mean a lot to your wife and son far more than lots of money end and an absentee father. Keep going and well done

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80 - Phew! You sound so much better now.  You are going to have really tough times, each time you get through though, that's one step further.  I would love to tell you my husband found it really easy, but I would be lying, he had terrible paranoia and anxiety, he had no confidence in himself and thought people hated him - stupid reasons really, like being a northerner down south for one.  Even when we had 2 kids even though we were 9 years into him being clean, despite being in a really good place for years all of a sudden he couldn't cope with them, (he coped with one but not with two), it was too much and caused him anxiety, the bloody doctor at the time prescribed him diazepam, which he was taking behind my back (Only had a couple), but I noticed it when he came in from work with his eyes like pi55 holes in the snow.  I was absolutely fuming and totally lost the plot not only with him because of his addiction traits but because of the doctor who prescribed them to an ex addict, I sent an absolute scathing fax (yes that's how long ago it was!) to the doctors.  I made hubby flush them away and said if he ever takes a prescribed or unprescribed controlled drug again I was gone.  I understand the doctor probably thought oh clean for 9 years but there was no way I was taking a risk, when the anxiety could be overcome just by having a little more faith in himself.    From then on every Saturday I went out and left him with the kids, so he learned to cope and realised he could cope, he used to beg me to stay with them, but I knew he would never get over his anxiety unless he did it himself, within a month or so, he was taking them to soft play, the park, swimming, out for lunch he soon learnt.  Now he is an amazing father and the kids adore him.

What I am saying is, is that things will come to challenge you, but it will happen every 2 weeks, then every month, then every 3 months, then 6 months etc etc, maybe even years later but you just have to stay strong.  One thing I can say in all truthfulness it is all worth it in the end.  

As for people saying you're a kept man, my husband openly says "I only get pocket money", and if people say to him oh you're a kept man, he replies "I hope so, I want her to keep me"  That tends to shut them up.

I notice you are looking at your life now through a set of clean eyes and brain, its so different to see, you are looking at work differently, you are prioritising your family, yes you may work too hard sometimes, but I can say I am sure most people are guilty of that too, just get the balance right - work hard and love hard. 

As for your friends that you have lost some good, some bad, prioritise yourself first, don't think about what they think, when you have proved to yourself and your family, the good ones will come back, the bad one(s) will probably be totally ducked in the head by then.  Time is all it takes.  With the good friends, you will be able to be honest about your journey, they will not judge you, once you have proved you are clean for good.

continue on the path and have a good week.