Moving on with things

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80 Did mean to respond earlier, but life got busy.

Anyway good to hear you're still chipping away at the debt, every little pound makes a difference.  

As for recovery it will take a while, stick with it, it will be worth it, one day you will go to bed and think "that was a normal day", I never thought about the past.

As for the difference that you and your wife have with your future income, I want to ask what do you want out of your business? When you are older what exactly do you want to happen to the business? How do you see your life?

The reason I ask someone once sent me a link to a story about a businessman and a fisherman, I will try and find it and paste it below, it's a bit of an eye opener.
Life is about balance, and for once I am going to side with your wife.  You need to start enjoying the fruits of your labour, before long your son won't want to socialise with you both, or go on holiday with you, so start to make memories now because the time will go so fast, where he will be driving, have a part time job, going to festivals, concerts, parties, not needing you or your wife and making plans to go on holiday with his mates (I speak from experience this summer!)  So grab that time while you can, give him good memories, be a good role model, be his best mate.

As for your mental health only you knows what you feel and everyone is different, do what is right for you, but do get out into nature, switch the laptop off - also when on holiday it helps to go to areas sometimes where there is no signal.  Or as my hubby and I do, is leave our phones in the safe and just let the kids take theirs in case of emergencies, some days its needed on holiday, we can't wait to retire we are going to chuck our bloody phones in the sea, have a ceremony from the highest point on the Isle of Wight!  We do joke that when we get the ferry back to the mainland our phones will be on the shore ringing!

As for the news you received I am suspecting it maybe about your junkie friend, whatever it is, I am glad its inspired you even more to keep you on the path.

Keep it up, you're doing really well.

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80
This is the story..

As he sat, taking a brief break from the stress of his daily schedule, a businessman saw a fisherman rowing a small boat back into the harbor. In the boat were a few large fish.

Impressed, the businessman asked the fisherman, “How long does it take you to catch so many fish?” To which the fisherman replied, “Oh, not so long.”

The businessman was confused, “Why don’t you fish for for a longer time and catch even more?”

“More? This is enough to feed my entire family and even offer some to my neighbors,” the fisherman replied.

“So what do you do for the rest of your day?” asked the businessman.

The fisherman replied, “Well, I usually have caught my fish by late morning, at which point I go home, kiss my wife, and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I take a nap and read. In the evening, I go to the village to be with my friends, play guitar, sing, and dance into the night!”

Putting his entrepreneurial hat on, the businessman offered a suggestion.

“I have a PhD in business! I can help you become much more successful. From now on, you should spend longer at sea and catch as many fish as possible. When you’ve saved enough money, buy a bigger boat to catch even more fish. From there, you’ll soon be able to buy more boats, set up your own company, build a production plant to can the fish and control distribution, and move to the city to control your other branches.”

To this, the fisherman asks, “And after that?”

The businessman laughs, “After that, you’ll be able to live like a king, take your company public, float your shares and be rich!”

“And after that?” asks the fisherman once more.

“After that, you can retire, move to a house by the sea, wake up early in the morning to go fishing, then return home to play with your kids, kiss your wife, take a nap in the afternoon and join your friends in the village to drink, play guitar and dance into the night!”

Puzzled, the fisherman replies, “But isn’t that what I’m doing already?”

alt80

Haven't really stopped working since coming back from holiday. Absolutely whacked but it does help me to take my mind off things and better working than the self destructive stuff. Have some family time planned this weekend on Sunday and going to keep Saturday to a half day. Kept away from spending anything and still on track recovery wise.

Yesterday was a difficult day with what happened here. My first home was on Magdala Road where the man in his 50s was killed and don't live far away from there now. I have been thinking about the fragility of life itself and those students over the other side of the city just starting out in life. 

@RelievedSheff glad you enjoyed it! 

It is nice being able to give them good memories and listen to them talking about it. They both love holidays and visiting other places in the UK and abroad. 

@Sun_Addict you deserve every single one of those holidays and memories of time with your family, tbh if I were you I wouldn't regret a penny spent on them either. I don't comment on your diary much but I find your dedication to your marriage admirable. Giving my family happy memories is important to me, I hope they will continue to talk about the places they have visited for years to come too.

@MatyMoo I do want to give my family those memories.

Are you still on the right track? If so, well done and those thoughts will pass and if not each day is a new opportunity. It is not starting over when some of the groundwork has already been done. 

@curly_moose thank you. I checked him out the other day when I thanked your post and will be listening again so thank you.

alt80

@Iamouttheotherside ha life has a habit of doing that.

Thank you, I am looking forward to getting the card balances cleared but you are right every single pound is one step closer to that goal. Being in recovery already is worth it. My family are happier and more secure. That's worth fighting for.

Ha you sound like my parents re my business. When we were away I was told by them they worry I have 'no sort of life' that was related to me not being able to stop thinking about work. Idk they've always been hard workers so that was a bit low. Regarding the business I do appreciate that whilst I never want to retire I'm not going to keep this pace when I'm into my 70s/80s so the goal is to get to the point it is managed by staff but so I can still work. Ideal world my son would work his way up through the business but who knows, that would have to be solely his decision. 100% wouldn't hand it to him, he'd have to work for it seen a few people completely !!!!!! destroyed through family wealth / businesses being handed to them without working for it. Better league than I'm in granted but still applies imo. 

We know our son will sooner than we think start to reach that stage in life. It's something my wife has had to deal with in therapy she was struggling with him growing and that wasn't helping him either. I worry all the time I've completely !!!!!! his life chances, was listening to a podcast about early childhood and negative things affecting a person throughout their lives and idk it !!!!!! breaks me that I've been a !!!!!! dad. Hate myself for it and that no matter what I do now those early childhood years are what they are, can't change the past. He deserves a lot better than me as his role model and best mate but I'm doing my best for him. Can hardly get over him wanting to take it in turns to read to each other before his bedtime so the thought of him going off on holiday with his mates on one hand I'd be made up for him but on the other I !!!!!! know I'll be in bits when the day comes. 

Ikwyacf re the phones. We try to have the odd bit of time technology free.

News wasn't to do with him, it was a former tenant of mine.

I think you posted that fisherman thing before on my previous diary on here but thank you, it's quite amusing.

RelievedSheff

You sound so much more positive in so many ways.

What happened in the city is truly horrendous.

alt80

Worked in the morning on Saturday and went to Rufford in the afternoon with my son which was brilliant once I got there. She was visiting a friend and encouraged me to take my son and dog out for the afternoon. He is nervous of me driving - don't blame him I used to drive like a complete !!!!!!. I haven't driven my son without my wife being in the car for a long time. Tbf I don't really drive much at all anymore especially when we go out as a family. Had access to personal money, couldn't wait to get rid of it again. It's a reminder of how I've wasted it over the years and it's much harder for me to go backwards without access to personal funds.

I asked my wife not to buy anything for me today or make a fuss, she didn't listen to me as usual, my son gave me a photobook, they took me out for lunch and wife has booked a long weekend in Manchester over summer to go to the sea life and lego place and visit RHS Bridgewater. I don't deserve to have them and have been working so much I've hardly seen them. I've been using work to take my mind off things and it's not fair to my family when some of it can be done by staff. The question of what do I actually want from my business has been playing on my mind this evening. My initial reaction idk whether it's fear and my head telling me that money is all I can offer my family although I've resigned myself to it being less than I would like them to be able to enjoy. Also think what the !!!!!! would I do with my time. Said that to my wife and her answer was 'enjoy it' ha. 

@RelievedSheff We are still in shock. 

enthusiasticsaver

Glad you had a nice fathers day and good that you are thinking about what you want from your business in the future. Hopefully eventually you will find a good work-life balance.  It seems to make sense that you gradually take a step back and work less hours to spend more family time.  Your son will soon get to the age where they don't want to know you and will be off with his friends. That is the natural order of things but they usually come  back (often when they want something )

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80
Superb to hear that you and your son had a lovely "dad and lad" day, but what you must also take out of that, is that your wife trusted you, she obviously sees your recovery now and knows you have probably come further this time than ever before.  She trusted you with your son on your own and with money, that is a huge step.  Also you trusted yourself!

What is also nice to see, is that your wife is now buying "memories" for you all as presents, a few years ago I am sure it would have been a very expensive watch, that would have looked good on instagram, now she is putting thought into it and making amazing memories for you all, and the photo book is personalised and thoughtful, that itself is a huge step for her.

You both are cracking it together its so good to hear.

As for your business, you've got a few years left yet, but I can assure you when you reach your next decade if not late 40s, your priorities really do begin to change.  Also would your son want the business?  Our kids have made it categorically clear they do not want to work in our business or take it over, they both have their own path they want to follow, both uniquely different but its what they want to do and we fully support them.

Anyway have a good week, keep on the right path, you are doing so well.

satchmo1

@alt80
If a friend or business associate asked your advice about their (successful) property business, who had overcome tremendous odds to get clean and rebuild their family life, what would your advice be? I bet you'd be far kinder to them than you are being to yourself! It's no mean feat in this financial climate to be able to continue being profitable.

I know how hard it is to build and expand a business. I also, sadly, know how quickly it can all fall apart after my (then)DHs head injury changed his personality for the worse. 

alt80

I have been struggling with the news on interest rates today, rates are fixed for now and tbh I thought by the time those rates came to end we'd be past the worst of this. Now there's talk of the base rate reaching 6%, or even 6.5%. Appreciate there isn't a lot of sympathy for people like me with property portfolios carrying significant amounts of debt. Today has been a reminder of how bad it got tbf thinking about how I was and for how long. Everything was a problem other than myself back then, I didn't think I was an addict that was some poor soul in a much worse position that I looked down on. It's something I struggle with now, how I treated and looked down on others. Looking back at how I was this evening crying my !!!!!! eyes out, I've been through a lot and had to face up to mistakes I've made fuelled by addiction. Not just being reckless with money, I put my family and myself through hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's left me with consequences to deal with. It is what it is and can only move forwards. I know I can't really say if I'd have taken a more cautious approach and taken on less debt had I got clean much earlier but I don't think I would have got into the position I did when I refinanced to deal with !!!!!! horrific levels of personal debt.

@enthusiasticsaver thank you. I discussed my relationship with work with the pros, it's not great to realise why I am like I am about it. My boy is closer to that age than he is to being a baby now. I want him to have a safety net, possibly sounds odd to you but it would mean the world to me if he could come to me when he needs something not in a free ride kind of way but I want to be able to help him navigate the world. Maybe it's likely he won't be quite as driven as a consequence but I think it would be better for his mental health. I didn't have that option and that's not blaming my upbringing for anything, my parents are good people that had their own struggles.

@Iamouttheotherside thank you, it's late so happy part time Friday lol. Last Saturday was good, sounds !!!!!! mad but I still look back on the day before the NG tier 3 lockdown I took him out for the day. I have come further than ever before wanted to stop on and off since we knew we were expecting our son, couldn't and should have been !!!!!! glaringly obvious to me but it wasn't, then it was and I still wasn't honest with myself or anyone else. That completely !!!!!! my relationship with my in-laws because I was lying to their faces about being in recovery.

My wife tries to stay away from IG these days and that type of lifestyle. She still likes nice things and always did like the holidays and family days out, making memories.

I will never force my son into the business. If it's something he wants and has an interest in it would be really good but if he doesn't want to that's fine. Right now he loves coming to work with me sometimes so it wouldn't surprise me but he's 9 and who !!!!!! knows. With you 100% re supporting whatever he wants to do as you are with your kids. 

@satchmo1 Hard reading your post, tbh I wouldn't speak to a friend or associate like I do about myself. I'm not kind to myself and I know a part of recovery is being kind to yourself, forgiving your own mistakes etc. as well as making amends. People say I should be proud of myself these days, I know no one is perfect and I'm far from it but I judge myself fairly harshly. I'm sorry to hear about your ex-husband. Hope things are better for you and for him now. 

Need to get to bed now rather than staring at this post making my mind up whether or not to click post comment fml could have done with this hesitation when I used to go out of my way to say !!!!!! you to someone or other ha.