Moving on with things

alt80

Rest of the week so far have been harder than Monday going to try to have a slightly more balanced day today though said sat on the !!!!!! phone waiting in a long queue ha. We are going away this weekend for basically the whole week with our trip to France and then back and straight to Centre Parcs with in-laws. We try to get away before all the state schools break up for summer, bit cheaper but also much more pleasant than going to places that are heaving. I know these times should be something to look forward to, in a way I do but my !!!!!! anxiety just goes into overdrive 100%. I know I'm going to have to do some work whilst away but I am going to try to limit it.

@RelievedSheff thank you. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be at the point I don't need help, genuinely think I did it for so long it's !!!!!! me up and I wasn't 100% right to begin with lol.

@poppy811 thank you. That's a lot of my problem tbh yet I know money/things are a dumb way to entirely measure yourself by. I tell my son it does matter and is important but equally how he treats others, kindness, a good friendship group, looking after his body and giving to others less fortunate are of equal importance to money and what it can buy. I don't want him growing up with my mindset, it's a !!!!!! horrible place to be. 

@Iamouttheotherside Thank you for sharing. I pray I can stay strong as it’s a road I really don’t want to go down again it would destroy my family.

Life in recovery is tough with no more temporary chemical induced relief. 100% know that's very temporary and not worth the lows or anything else that goes with it but my brain still craves it more than I had hoped this far down the path. It has eased tbf but definitely is still there on a more frequent basis than I hoped. Can relate to the paranoia and anxiety. Have better coping strategies for the former but struggle badly with the latter. My regular GP who I’ve been honest with won’t prescribe diazepam to me anymore, I get why tbf. Used to be a !!!!!! hypochondriac but am now actually addressing the health complaints rather than me convincing myself I have something and seeking a load of medical opinions/ advice anymore.to ‘prove’ me right. I’d spend stupid amounts of money after appointments as I was 100% convinced I was right and they had conspired to not diagnose me so what was the point. !!!!!! madness looking at it now I’m clean. Learned in recovery it was me being paranoid, always happened when I was really heavily using but I didn’t put the two together. Probably on every private and NHS doctor’s patient records as nothing wrong, just a cokehead. Try to make a joke of it but not really that funny, now I’m paranoid every time I have to see them that they’ll dismiss whatever it is.

I’m trying to do the exposure therapy with getting out driving again. After what happened I stopped driving altogether for a time.

I want my wife to keep me too she’s my rock. People’s inner beauty can grow, her’s has I’m so proud of her, she had some destructive habits of her own but working through therapy has changed her life for the positive. Keeps me straight; don’t want to let her or my boy down again.

You’re 100% right about work and getting that balance. I have written ‘work hard and love hard’ down I really like that thank you again.

Have a good weekend.

warby68

So very glad you appear to have weathered the recent storm @alt80

You caught it and got the help - your addict brain will always try to pull you in wrong directions but you're wily enough now to outwit it. A close run thing perhaps but a win is a win.

I think work is as much a safety blanket for you as it is a bad habit of excess. Its the place you're most in control and that probably helps you battle the other stuff. You retreat into work when you feel weak. Its not perfect but it could be worse. I guess Mrs alt is empowered enough now to support you when you need to do it and to put her foot down when it gets too much. 

So impressed by the number of holidays you're going on btw - I hope you've impressed yourself a bit too. 

Balance is coming, slowly but surely. None of it will be linear so try and see how you're doing over a decent amount of time and don't be put off by bad weeks.

alt80

@warby68 thank you. I am afraid it will never leave me and my addict brain as you say will pull me in wrong directions. It does seem that way.

100% you're right re work looking back I've always been the same even when I was a kid. Why I was so hurt by my parents' comments about my working - they always encouraged it, proud of me for earning well etc. Couldn't make either mine or my sister's wedding but always said the day I buy a seven figure home they'd make the trip to see it. Shouldn't hurt but it still !!!!!! does idk.

I want to give my family memories, that's why I'm making the effort with the holidays for us. I enjoy the planning and when I'm there I'm ok generally. My son and wife love getting away to different places, it's wonderful to see them so happy. Son is absolutely buzzing for the coming week and my wife is still a big kid sometimes so it makes the money I'm spending on these trips worth it. 

Humdinger1

@alt80 well done on navigating this.  I am shocked that your parents didn't get to your wedding or your sister's: that, combined with their attitude that they'd come when you bought a 7-figure house is telling you something about where some of the attitudes you're now unpicking have come from, no?! You are valuing what really matters: your family.  It can be difficult to relearn deep lessons from parents but you're doing it.  Keep going, your attitude is incredibly impressive.   Love Humdinger x 

alt80

Been a really difficult morning and early afternoon. Dealing with some business finances and thinking about the next steps. When I decided I wanted to sort my personal finances out once and for all I couldn’t really imagine that now we’d be dealing with such high inflation and the impact on interest rates. Idk, made me realise there’s a right place right time aspect to anything as much as the elements you do have control over. Had things been a matter of months at worse or a couple of years at best different I’d be done. As it happens things likely aren’t going to be great over the coming few years but all being well won’t be as bad as they could have been. Some my own fault, decisions I’ve made and some a matter of timing and circumstance. Bit of a reminder that efforts don’t necessarily result in significant financial rewards and there are people at all levels of the income scale who are working hard, good people that are being !!!!!! shafted by the government and the BoE whilst those with the good fortune to not have had to continually leverage are being protected from the worst of it. Know this is a bit of a Friday afternoon rant but it’s also a reminder that if all your self worth is tied up in how well or not your business is doing, how well or not you are earning, the things it buys and the home you live in, that’s a !!!!!! sure bet you won’t ever be at peace. I’m not. 

@Humdinger1 yeah we all have a past and things that shape us that !!!!!! with our head. Fwiw I doubt they would have ever made the journey had it worked out that way. I’ve offered to pay for them to come over to see our homes, visit my in-laws and sisters in-laws, see our children’s schools, go to London again, all sorts. My sister built her own house and they refused to visit her place. As for the weddings, they are really looking forward to our vow renewal. As I’ve been helping with the repositioning their business for them to slow down we’ve talked about their future and we are quite aware they won’t ever come back even if they need care etc they will stay in Greece. It’s not us they have a problem with, it’s the UK which has taken me a long time to realise.

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80 didn't want to read and run, but just wanted to wish you a lovely holiday with your family, one bonus for the school fees we pay is cheaper holidays!

Have a great time, make great memories.

enthusiasticsaver

Have a nice holiday with your wife and son in France and at Centre Parcs. Bonus to go before state schools break up. 

A few good insights from you re your anxiety, health and attitude to work. I am just so pleased you addressed your spending habits before the current economic situation hit us and you can now see your self worth beyond being a businessman and provider. You are a good husband and father and believe me in the end that is what counts. Your wife also sounds like the last year or so has really changed her attitude and made her see life is not all instagram and influencers. 

RelievedSheff

Hope you are enjoying your holiday and family time. 

alt80

Thanks @Iamouttheotherside @enthusiasticsaver and @RelievedSheff didn’t get chance to post last week. We are having a brilliant time although it has been like taking two kids away on holiday, my Mrs is like a kid sometimes, not sure which one has been more excitable haha love it really lol. Spending a !!!!!! small fortune on tat though for them. Wife reckons she’s being a ‘saver’ buying kids clothes and hair bands (for herself, don’t ask fml) telling the !!!!!! counter staff she’s pleased with her “cute and VAT free” purchases. Not had a classic from the Mrs in this diary yet I don’t think but first for everything ha. Love her to pieces but fml she’s 35 going on !!!!!! 13 sometimes. 

Anyway what the !!!!!! has happened to the forum? Not sure if it’s my phone but looks like it has been overhauled?

RelievedSheff

I really don't like the new look forum. It's going to take some getting used too.

Glad you are having a good time.