Moving on with things

Willowtree222

It does sound like a realisation for the better. I hope you manage to keep that in your mind now x

ladyholly

Just keep thinking the above and I think your life will become much more balanced and you will all be happier. If I can give one piece of advice -  keep telling your wife how you feel and what you are thinking when you are struggling. She cannot read your mind.

alt80

Well it looks like the bike is definitely happening- she passed her test with no minors. I’m so proud of her tbh probably sounds ridiculous but she had people telling her that she would struggle with her size and she just didn’t accept that, got on with it and smashed it. She is buzzing with confidence. Going back for the enhanced of course so more money to spend ha. 

Today’s happiness challenge is to get outside and note five beautiful things. I do actually quite like getting out of my house/ office so I can do that. 

@PollyWollyDoodle / @Willowtree222 / @ladyholly thank you. I know that I need to sort my head out once and for all and yeah, keep talking to her. I do until things get tough then idk I think no one can help me. Keep having to try until I get it into my thick skull ha. 

I focus too much on the negative sometimes. My wife said about our son he doesn’t need testing he’s an 11 year old I thought maybe she is right. I had a work ethic even at that age but maybe it hasn’t done my mental health much good. 

Willowtree222

Congrats to her for passing the test. That's some achievement! 
Often things are easier said than done, but I think you're very aware of yourself now.

Cherryfudge

Congratulations to your wife - and going straight on to do advanced, too! That confidence is one to be built on, I think perhaps previous negative experiences have reduced her ability to trust herself to cope.

Working_Mum

Hey Alt80 I want to reassure you about 11 year old boys!! My son was not bothered about anything at about 11/12/13/14 years of age - he played rugby and cricket and liked the easy life. I was a divorced solo parent and worried endlessly about him. He is now a hard working, smart 26 year old who is in a steady relationship and loving his life. He is good with money, owns his own car and has savings. He has his head screwed on and takes regular holidays with his GF. He has a plan and is making it happen. I'm really proud of the young man he's become and feel you will be of your son too.

Each child simply matures in their own time and your son is a product of both you and your wife. Your wife is displaying some very solid and dependable behaviours but is also open to feedback and changing them. You come across as a hard working and tenacious chap who (despite the overthinking) is changing his life for the better and working incredibly hard to maintain his sobriety. These are all wonderful things your son is made up of (with a few of his own thrown in).

Keep working with the pros and well done to Mrs Alt for passing her test - that's a fab result.

alt80

I’m made up for her and have dealt with her being friends with the lad she’s passed with. I just lost it and let jealousy take over. !!!!!! dumb really. Thank you @Willowtree222 @Cherryfudge. @Cherryfudge yeah I don’t think you’re wrong and at least some of it was my fault I know that much. All I want is the best for her, she deserves it. I’m trying to slowly guide her to do something with the nails whether paid or on a voluntary basis as I think that would be good for her too.

I suppose she is in many ways a single parent to our son. She does everything with him, mum and son stuff, dad and son stuff and kid stuff she’s not bothered but he’s getting a little more selective about when he wants her around ha. She decided to get her bike test to take him on trips with my old friends (now hers really). They’ll love it. He loves anything with an engine and being outdoors. I do always read to him every night. When things got bad I went home to read to him and back to the office but apart from that I just pay for things. It’ll be just paying for things soon, I know the reading is already on borrowed time. Idk when I do make myself confront being little other than an ATM to my family it just makes me so !!!!!! sad and then I start panicking about their future when I’m gone. 

daisy_1571

I think workingmum is right.  Very sound advice there from someone who knows.  I'm sure we all have parents (if they tried to do a good job that is, some parents of couse don't care at all) who are probably feeling guilty about things they did or didn't do when they were pregnant (even further back to when their own parents were pregnant if modern science has it right), when we were young and developing, when we were teenagers.  However, the child does grow up and once they are late teens for sure they are making their own decisions and have the power to go one way, go another, try different things etc and will eventually settle on their way of living.  Or, hopefully, will go on learning, changing, growing and developing through their own lifetime.   

We can each only give what we think is right and within our powers to give at any one time.   None of us can go back and try it another way to see what happens.  So unless you want to blame your parents for every single one of the bad choices you now feel you made as if you had no consciouscontrolof yourself, you can't really assume you will have a bigger role in his future decisions.  Main thing, let him know you are always there, you always will be there to talk about any future problems he has, talk now about his daily life, how his friends are, ask what does he think of x's decision to do y, dont feel you have to fix everything, let him explore his feelings and make his mind up about his current life issues, then as he grows keep trying to do that.  That will give him the tools to do like workingmum's lad has done and hopefully make good choices in his future.   And it will give him coping strategies for when things inevitably go awry as they must do in everyone's life. 

You are the very best role model for this.  You made some decisions you liked, then didn't like.  So you are changing them.  Its great to see an example where someone isn't doubling down on wrong choices and saying I'm stuck with this way of life now.  No, you've said I want to improve this.  Youve changed working practices, distanced yourself from influences you don't want in your life, and you are sticking at doing the difficult things.  In time, in age appropriate ways you can discuss this sort of mindset and it can help him.  

Oh and congrats to Mrs alt re the test

Daisy xxx

katsu

She's not like a single parent Alt, she's a parent without a job so has all her time to spend with him. 

Your wife and professionals say not to worry about your son, so maybe that's your mind making your life hard and you can accept that it is one of the ways it's beating you up. He will grow and learn in time. 

You, your son and Mrs Alt are all growing as people, we all are. 

You are coming back out the other side of this latest challenge so here's to life on the other side! 

RelievedSheff

Congratulations to your wife. 

Your son will be fine Alt. Let him be young while he is still young. It won't last forever.